Lighten up

What good does it do for me, in this current moment, to fixate on an old story? I asked myself that question while I felt upset about a situation that I took for an enemy. Today I was angered, hurt and felt left out during a situation. Those are terrible feelings and I was consumed.  Within a split second the had pitched a tent in the obsessive part of my brain and set up camp. They stoked the fires of complaint and self-righteousness until the smoke covered everything else. They gave me a driving force to go out and destroy friendships and yell foul but deep down inside, luckily, I still knew it was not the right thing to do. Instead I went to a trusted friend and tried to vent. She didn't allow me to make this a bigger situation than it was. So I had to sit on my own with my feelings. I had to just watch myself and reflect. Knowing they came from the accumulation of many moments in the past and not just this one incident I knew it was unfair to feel so terribly justified in my negativity. But it was still so hard to change my feelings. I was still illogically stuck. I had to help myself find my way back to appreciation and love for those in my life.  I ended up asking myself what difference does this situation really make in my life right now? A small event may have hurt my feelings but only because I chose to think the worst. I chose to hold it tight.  I was only making myself more and more miserable the more I consumed it. I made up everyone's reasons, I accused them all in my mind and at the end of it all, it really was all in MY mind. I really don't know anything and even if I did It really didn't matter. At that moment I was able to let go of it all and I had started to work on a project. But...My mind was a circus frenzy on autopilot. Without my consent I had moved on... But onto another old story. I didnt even realized I was thinking about anything until I realized I was still feeling unhappy. I stopped all I was doing so I could be the witness of my thoughts. What was making me feel miserable again? Upon observation it appeared that My thoughts were in a loop just playing an older sad story. A story that I often found was a default program that my mind latched onto.  I had to ask myself again.  Why? Why do you come up all the time and make me sad?  How does this apply to me now? What does this old story springing to life add to my current situation? The answer is always nothing but self imposed torture. I asked the story to go away. I spent some time practicing gratitude for the very thing that held so much pain in my heart. 

It's hard to stick to reality when your mind keeps playing old movies and puts you in a time machine. It's hard to remember where you are. It's so easy to forget to pay attention. I work really hard on staying present as I feel that I have a very weak mind sometimes, or at least a very loud one. My mind is petty too. It doesn't like to forgive. It's dramatic. It likes to cling to high emotion. It's a warrior. It always wants to be right. It always wants to win. It's also a victim. It feels life is unfair. But I know these are not truths.   Today I learned to ask myself what purpose does this hold? What is the use of this thinking at this moment? It made me dissect the movie reel. 

Maybe I'm still grieving over all the loss I've experienced in my life. I'm unable to let go of all the things I've done wrong or others have done wrong. Trauma comes in so many forms. Actions at first. Their remains become the horror movies of our subconscious. The past cannot be undone no matter how often My brain replays it. The pain, the lessons will always be there.  All I can do is look at where I am now. All I can do is try and learn my lesson. All I can do is be grateful for what I still have. I know that what remains are still little and big gifts.  Life is way bigger those little stories. And I must see the beauty of what I have now before I realize they too have gone to dust while I was unconscious. Living in the past is no way to live. I'm grateful for this lesson today. I'm grateful for bring the witness off thoughts. 

Who was it that said "when in darkness just lighten up!". Was it Brene Brown or Rhonda Brynes? Whoever it was I owe them a thanks. For those times I am clouded in a darkness I can't even see for myself I must remember the key is to lighten myself up. And that light will help me remain present... For a little longer at least. 

Today was a great day

Today was a great day. It wasn't supposed to be. In fact, today was the day that everything was supposed to go wrong. Today was a day that was supposed to be anxiety filled. What happened to the today I was expecting?

I am so grateful for today. I was looking back on it to see what went "wrong". There were so many unexpected surprised. Little joys to celebrate.

Listing some of the major players of the day
1) Started with coming up with a plan in the midst of chaos and everyone coming together to support this new plan. These are the best people.
2) Started driving to work while listening to The Power. Started writing a little book of inspiring quotes. Maybe it sets a tone.
3) Students were all in good moods. Even the angry ones were somewhat sedated today.
4) Met a lot of smiles in the hallways. Saw lots of smiles when eyes locked. It made each step easier. Made each problem seems smaller. Today I gave free food away. People really like you when you give them free food!
5) Made an effort to talk to some one I cared about. We talked about life. It was a nice shared experience.
6) A boy who usually shuts down on me opened up shared about his experience today. He shared his happiness. He asked about how his sister was doing. HE opened up. I didn't even have to try.
7) Made soup for a family I've worked with for a long time. I made it because the boy I work with can't have milk or wheat. I found a great recipe for a creamy soup that used rice and eggs. They ate it all up. Everyone liked it so much that they all got seconds and some got thirds. SUCCESS!

They all seem like little things but they made the day AMAZING. I'm so grateful for today. I guess it does make a difference if you give a little, if you share and if you smile at someone. So many people smiled at me today and it gave me the energy to be more patient and to give more love. I am going to smile... all day tomorrow.

Being the observer

The older I get the more I learn. Circumstances and situations really change in a blink of an eye. The situation could be yourself, someone else or an attachment to something. But whatever it is, it's not stable. I figure things change when the time is right. The Universe will mold itself around you so you go where you are supposed to go rather than where you think you should be going. 

I'm grateful for all things that have been presented to me and all the opportunities I've gotten. I know more are to come and I welcome all of it. I've now learned to trust in the way things work. There is so much available for you than what you can only imagine in your mind. The reality we create for ourselves can be so limiting sometimes. When the door swings open, walk through.