January, 28th, 2018. Sunday
I have a lot of emotions going on. I think it has to do with my period as my hormonal timeline is often mixed with a lot of strong emotions. Often I don't know if those emotions are legitimate or not. Either way I have to endure, along with those that are closest to me, until the tidal wave falls. The major emotion I am struggling with this time is fear. Funny how fear takes over for some people and for others it just evades them. Maybe that's a wrong perception or observation. It might be more accurate to say that fear must strike everyone hard in some way or other. The only thing that is different between people is subject matter. Anyway, at this moment in time I feel as though I'm in the fear zone.
Funny that Fear is a kind of trickster. It has this maryter like quality to it. What I mean is that it tries to deceive you sometimes. At first, I thought the fear had a stoic ground to stand on. It was not for myself but just for the ones I love dearly and closely. Fear justified my insensitivity towards them because I was just a concerned person acting on their behalf. I feared for their pain. I feared for their lack of health. I feared for their emotional safety. As I observed their patterns of behaviour repeating over time it was made aware that I had to intervene for these poor helpless souls. It was as if lines of lessons and regrets were being drawn along the sands of Memory Beach only to be washed away by the waves of indifference. Why can't they see what they are doing to themselves? I asked. Why didnt they care? Well... my fear grew deeper and greater. I started to suffer. It was then that I realized this fear was not for them. It was a fear for me. I encased my fear with glitter and gold to make it appear like it was a great sacrifice for me to care so much about them. In reality, they were all fine. I was the one not fine. Even with pain, even with possibility of heart break they carried forward, cheerfully. However, I was stuck. I was stuck worried about witnessing their pain. I was stuck worried about losing them in my life. Though these were legitimate concerns they paid no mind. Why? I couldn't understand. But it's not up to me, is it?
Fear is never alone. My fear lead to me to fear based responses. The anger and the sadness were all indications of that. I tried to control their actions with my reminders and looks so they would remain safe, so they would remember the promises they made to themselves. I was there when we said we would change. I was there when we talked about how we had made choices that were great lessons. But we forgot, right? I forget too. I was frustrated and angry. I was unhappy. Was I frustrated with myself or with them? Was I unhappy with myself or with them? Why did it bother me so much? How was that being helpful to anyone? I needed to reflect.
Whenever I have had rough moments or even just weak moments I felt the most nurtured when someone was there for me, without judgment. I needed to do the same. I want to be there for the people I love, without judgement. Can you have fear but no judgment? It's so hard to not fear when you have so much to lose. That just tells me how important they are to me. With that realization I asked myself if this was the mark I wanted to leave on their eternal souls? An enforcer, a controller, a guilt maker? I didn't want that. I wanted to be a love maker, beauty finder, a best friend, a soft place to land. I needed to treat them better while we have this precious time together. I mean... in my mind... I think there is danger beyond... in the future. I feel worried that my fears will come true. If so, why would I spend this time before the storm making them feel bad, causing conflict, making life an unhappy place. No one changes unless they really want to. No matter how much we love them they don't change for us. They are also not responsible for our anxieties or fears. Only we are. So when you love someone a great task is just to learn how to separate yourself from them to know that although you are one in many ways... either friendship or romantic love you are still separate. And although people can cause ripples amongst the softness of the Universe, that comes with good and bad. Ripples are where the greatest laughter comes from. It's where the strongest love comes from. It's where you can feel someone next to you even though they are across the country. Ripples can cross time, land and space. It's powerful stuff. If you want the good, you must accept the bad. Otherwise we must do away with all ripples. Then life would be a flat, boring, vast and endless place.
I love so many people. I am so lucky to have so many people in my life to love. I am also so lucky to have so many people love me back. I must give some strong ass ripples and keep giving them! So for every good ripple, I know I might get a bad one in return and ... Vice Versa. That's life and that's actually a good life.
I need to remember.... A person will only change when they are ready and when they want to. Not when I'm anxious and worried and fearful for their health and happiness. No. Life doesn't work that way. But I can work in a different way. I can relinquish control and love more. I can wish for the best and fear less. I can turn a new page each time a page gets turned back. And I need to remember that the future can be taken for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. What's most important is the time spent together with the ones you love. Hopefully that time is spent in love and kindness. Hopefully, every person you care to touch in a meaningful way feels those living ripples and that life is more worth living now, even if it's just for a moment, because it was a good moment shared between genuine souls in an unguaranteed world.
