A frustrating moment...need to let it out.

I've been feeling frustrated lately and a little down. No matter how hard I try to be positive and put on a happy face I don't feel it. There are moments that I do feel happy but they are fleeting. However, so are all emotions. I just want to feel at peace. I just want to feel complete and like I belong somewhere.  I have fantastic friends and family, I live in a beautiful city but I don't always feel like I belong anywhere?  So often, I feel like I am just wandering and not too sure where to go. This is the little frustration that seems to remain after all the other feelings go away. That is something that's hard for me to sweep under the rug. Is this a universal thing or is it just me?

Sometimes you find a place of belonging because it's a place of love. It is a place that nurtures you and makes you feel safe. Why is that place not always there? Shouldn't it be? No matter what shakes your life your place should always be there. You should always have a emotional home you can go to that will take care of you, love you and cherish you. I wish for everyone to have that. That's what everyone deserves. Everything I am reading right now speaks to how important it is to love yourself. I suppose that place should be YOU. But it's so hard to love yourself. It's much easier to see the good in others. It's much easier to admire others. Even when others see the good in you, you know there is so much more they don't know. What's hard to feel is the internal struggles I know we all go through. I've had so many special people in my life who have taught me that pain runs deep in all of us, however, on the surface we all just smile. Maybe it's an insecurity we all feel. According to research most people hate themselves more than they love themselves.

Brene Brown, a shame, vulnerability and wholehearted living researcher says you can't love others more than you love yourself. So if  I want anything in life that is important I need to love me first. That's the only way I can love my job, love my passions and love a partner wholeheartedly. She termed wholeheartedness as being all in, all in for life, and all in for circumstances. Someone who is wholehearted is unafraid of being vulnerable and allows others to see their imperfections, owns them and empathizes with other. It's like living in a truth that accepts all circumstances. Sounds wonderful. Wholehearted people don't have rose colored glasses. They haven't gone through less painful circumstances in life than others. However, what Brene Brown found was that wholehearted people were grateful. They weren't born with a grateful gene or were more inclined to being grateful.  They mindfully practiced gratefulness all the time. They chose to be grateful when there were times of difficulty. Wholehearted people also made time for play. They tried to enjoy life. She termed play as when you do something enjoyable and you can lose track of time doing it.

It shows me I have a long way to go for self development. But if I look at my old self I know I have already walked so many steps towards who I am to become. I still struggle, in fact, I think I struggle more now as I am always trying to evaluate what is going on inside and being mindful of that. I am also way more aware of others and their needs. My younger self was pretty blind. My younger self was pretty arrogant. After reading some of Brene Brown's books I had a lot to think about. I must love myself, right?  Sometimes when you sit around feeling decent you think that's self love but now I don't know if it is. Maybe it's just a moment of relief from the talk going on in my head all the time. Sometimes I think I just tolerate myself. I know sometimes I hate myself. Other feelings I have towards myself self are impatience, anger, disappointment, and feeling proud to name a few.  But when do I ever feel like I LOVE me? That's a hard one. When I think about it I can't think of any moment where I really loved myself. I never felt that I am fine just the way I am, and that even the things I don't like about myself is OK because I love myself that much. That's how I would feel towards someone else. It's also way harder to forgive myself that to forgive another. There were very few moments when I felt like I was so glad that I was here. I know I have felt grateful for many people I have encountered in my life but that feeling I've never had for myself. How do you love yourself? What are the signs that you love yourself? Loving yourself now has become a foreign concept to me.

Another popular book on Amazon.com call "Love yourself like your life depended on it." said to repeatedly say to yourself in your mind "I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... etc..." the entire day instead of festering in negative thoughts or replaying stories in your head of things you didn't want to happen. It's to be treated like a 24/7 mantra. I tried that today and I feel that focusing on "loving myself" made me feel so frustrated. Although it did help me curb my thoughts from negative thinking or negative stories repeating in my mind, or finding solutions to stories from the past that have no resolution the moment I stopped saying that I felt kinda dumb. Then I felt bad about feeling dumb because that was not loving myself. Ugh... Where's the reward? They say there is a reward when you do these things? All these things will magically happen for you. You will meet all these amazing people. Your dreams will come true if you set your intentions and emanate love. Your body will heal all of it's diseases. Your relationships will improve in quality. This guy swears miracles happened after weeks of repeatedly saying "I love myself... I love myself" I didn't have the patience to last through the morning. I feel like I'm losing faith in love. I've tried to be a generator of love. I've tried playing fair. I've given and helped people in need. I do things for others. I do things for myself. I go have a good time.  I've tried to do to learn from my past but it seems like it doesn't make a difference in any actual life situations. The same circumstances come up. Any different approach I try always leads to the same results.

I know my life is full. It's full of so many things. I've had great experiences. I am not being ungrateful but I do feel down. I am trying to make sense of all my experiences and all that I've tried to accomplish. So many things don't make sense to me. I'm sulking right now because I think I haven't really dealt with some pain recently. I thought I dealt with it but it's obviously still here and it's invading my mind. The stories won't leave me alone. But I've been through wayyyyyy worse than this story so I don't know why my mind can't let things go. I've let go of so many things...why not this? Why doesn't it get easier? Seriously... after a while, with enough practice, things should be easier... like practice makes perfect...so not true when it comes to emotions. They don't go right away. You don't bounce back quick enough. It's just really hard. I am getting frustrated with myself for not being able to heal faster. I have never been a quick healer, but there should be some improvement...

 Tomorrow I will tell myself I love myself again and again and try to create that safe place that's always there for me so that I will always be emotionally available for those around me because right now and for weeks now... I don't feel I have been. If I am there for anyone, it's through much internal struggle of putting on a happy face. I'm so tired. I feel distant and emotional.  How do you not get just get jaded. Why do things still mean so much... ugh...

At the end of the day, maybe this is just a very egoic day and I have lost the battle to my ego. It's probably over inflated with these new stories.  It's probably tapped into every emotional trigger I have so that I will go crazy.  I can deal with this... I love myself... I love myself... I shall be grateful for whatever is causing me frustration and pain because ultimately it helps me understand myself better and helps me become a better person. When I come out of this I'll be stronger than before and I can be there for others the way I want to be. Right now, I just gotta be there for me because I think I really need it.

Something put my mind at ease just now so I wanted to add it onto this post. Thoughts: Where I've been has definitely brought me to this place right now. It did not take me down a dark road, in fact all things have only been good for me. So, although I'm struggling right now this is where I need to be and what I need in order to get to my ultimate destination. I gotta keep that in mind and not get get stuck in my mind instead. I need a little more trust. 

Thanks to whoever posted that message. 

I am saying no to gossip. Consider it a spiritual cleanse.

Gossip. We are all guilty of it. We have all been at the brunt of it or the instigators of it. We have all been within the circle of gossiping or on the outside looking in. Gossip is something that connects us. Gossip is a good excuse to relieve stress. It is a good excuse to "express emotions" and release some frustrations. But in reality it's just an ugly act and it's an immature way of dealing with emotions. I don't want to be ugly anymore. When we are gossiping we are spending our time and energy focusing on what we hate, what is horrible in this world and what offends us  that we don't focus on being happy instead. Why do we take such joy in criticizing others? We are not perfect beings. What gives us the right to point out someone's imperfection and then snark at them for it?  Every time we gossip we only create negativity. We might feel we are growing strong as a group and seeing the light but we are really creating a bond of hate and this flow of negative energy spreads farther than the circle it was born in.  

There are lots of reasons to stop gossiping. For one, it sends the wrong message to the Universe. Do we want to be on the vibration of bad things in life or the vibration of good things in life? Just because gossiping makes you closer to someone and makes you laugh it does not generate goodness.  When you gossip sometimes you feel a false strength. For one, your strength is only based on someone's weakness, not because you are actually strong. Secondly, your strength is based on group validation, not from any kind of achievement. When someone agrees with your hate you it can feel like you are winning something but  you are just winning more hate. That is no prize. Realize, you can't talk trash without having trash in you. You  also can't expect good things to fall into your lap when you only give others bad intentions . Whether they are close to you or not, view someone else not as separate from you and act with compassion because what you do will eventually come back to you one day. We are all connected.

I've been on the gossip train in one way or another and too many times to count. I've been pulled into it before and I've also led it. I am not proud. Sometimes when people hurt you it seems so justified but you end up hurting them and yourself. The damage done is unmeasurable and sometimes you can't repair it so be careful with your actions.  Sometimes you only have one chance to make the right decision. One moment of gossip, leads to subsequent moments where anything an happen. Isn't it funny how one negative thing a person does suddenly defines their entire character when it's gossiped about?  Things that didn't bother you before can suddenly become so meaningful. It makes everything personal. Gossip creates so much negativity that maybe it started at work, but then it can show up at home later that day, or in a cherish relationship somewhere else. Save yourself the complications of carrying around all that negativity and try another route. Instead of tearing someone's character take that time to build up yours.  Think with your own mind, instead of relying on others to validate your feelings and existence. Try to be an observer finding a open door for healing and helping rather than a reactor. Don't become a victim. Learn to listen. Support, rather than spread hate. Lift others up and don't judge.  Forgive when people hurt you and treat others how we want to be treated. You can also get a high from great acts of love.

We are individual forces that can choose to propagate love in the world or propagate hate. Those who gossip are not that different from those who spend their time hurting others in the name of religion. We gossip in the name of a different religion... the religion of self righteousness. Rather than using lethal weapons we are using lethal words.

Use your energy to create love instead.

I think Dr. Wayne Dyer was on the same wave length as me today... on my FB today he posted this tidbit of advice...love it.. thank you to all my teachers.

Embracing it all.

This year I decided to go old school by picking up a paper calendar. This came out of a deep seeded insecurity of losing data on my phone. Although electronic calendars are extremely convenient I've had the experience of my entire schedule being wiped out on more than one occasion due to technical glitches. I've also had my phone broken and stolen. Those were all very traumatic experiences. For my own peace of mind I decided to go back to paper.

After searching Chapters up and down during the New Year I found the last remaining calendar that wasn't a giant wall calendar or a mom's guide to this or that calendar. In fact, it was exactly what I had wanted.  It was a beautifully decorated book small enough to fit into my purse and was made by a company called Paper Blanks. They make beautiful paper products with a wide array of elaborate and funky designs to choose from. My design is called Safavid and was inspired by the Islamic Golden Age marked by the gold filigree. It seems that each Paper Blank design has a name and a historical source of inspiration.  The moment I saw the calendar I felt a deep connection with it. Maybe it was because of it's beauty. Or maybe it was because it had fit the journal in my mind so perfectly.  From that day on I used my calendar vigilantly with a conscious mindfulness. I tried to record as much of my daily events and used it almost like a journal. Little did I know this little book and this process served a greater purpose for me than just organizing my client sessions and social events.

This morning, while looking through my calendar for upcoming wedding events, I thought about something that had happened in the recent past and went in search for the date. While flipping back I decided to do a review of my year in progress. I started from January, reading each and every entry. Most of the entries were full. Each day was dappled with detail. I was amazed at all the things that had taken place in the last 3 months. I felt a bit of awe mixed with sentimentality. My eyes widened as I re-experienced all my days. There were those notes I wrote when something had touched me that day. Some words jumped out at me more than others. Other days I had adorned events with only symbols and pictures. For instance, the day my nieces were coming for a visit I drew a little heart. On another day I had gone on a date with special someone and I drew a little smiley face. I still remember the feelings I had when I drew those pictures. With those memories, doors were opening to other memories that have been put away. Conversation flash backs occurred in milliseconds. The delicate features and gestures of talking faces blinked in and out of my mind.  Moments of fun and laughter came in and out. Like a picture I saw snow on my face and frost on my nose. The cold white snow blizzard was blowing around on a frozen lake. Moments of excitement and moments of shock happened all at once. Then there were moments of  comfort and trust and moments of fear and pain. It was like they reminded each other that they were part of the same memory. Just like a flip book those pictures kept appearing, only for a moment, but felt in the whole. Chunks of events, buckets loads of emotions, all in one go. The passage of time was passing through my fingers as I turned each page. How strange it is to relive life that way. How wonderful it was to appreciate those things that gave you so much joy again.  I was very grateful for all those memories. It was heart jolting and heart warming.  Though it was only April, so many things have already passed.Thousands of moments had come and gone. Many of them were once cherished experience and then had somehow gone to the waste bin of my mind, forgotten and discarded until now. Others, were vivid flashing neon signs that fought and screamed for my attention. Those were the memories I had not been able to let go of just yet. I realized how unjustified that was.

I felt thankful for all those little tugs at my heart. If I didn't have a moment to reflect today I would have forgotten how precious all my moments were.  It gave me an appreciation that I haven't been able to feel lately. Sometimes it feels like you are just chugging your way through life like an exhausted engine going from one place to another. Parts of the journey seem so pointless and rather cruel.  But after reviewing my notes I realized my life wasn't a bunch of wasted experiences that never added up to anything... and life wasn't exhausting and meaningless. It was, in actuality, really great and full.  It was like a bunch of ripe citrus fruit exploding with juices and flying through the air. It was a tropical fruit salad! This calendar was just a little chapter in the chronicle of my life and the 3 month snippet was inspiring. It gave me a reason to celebrate.  I saw what I have been given and felt happy. I am grateful of my full life. It is full of hard work, exploration, fun, play, lessons and most importantly love. You have to make ALL things count.

They say don't look into the past as it is gone. They say it doesn't help to open up old wounds. But there are more than just wounds in the past. In the past, there is light, there is love and there is the essence of your creation. Looking into the past can give you the wisdom to unlock the restraints of rigid thoughts, at least for a moment or two. It can help you forgive and it encourages you to move forward. It can give inspire greatness and it can remind you of the amazing life you have if you look away from the bright neon flashing signs.  Sometimes it offers a memory filled with happiness and sometimes it offers one filled with pain. But if you look with a mindful heart you will realize that these feelings are equal. One is not greater than the other. They are all just part of the fabric of life. What I got from today was an overwhelming sense of gratefulness... true gratefulness for the fullness of my life. I AM GRATEFUL for the good and the "bad". Alone, memories can make time stand still. If you focus on one particular memory too much the others get lost. However, if you put them together time moves again and life looks dynamic, monumental and vibrant. So don't get stuck in one moment. Look at the big picture. Put all the pieces together and be in awe of the puzzle that is your life. It is a true masterpiece.

Every droplet of water is small and insignificant by itself even if 1 drop can cause a ripple. However, when a multitude of droplets come together they lose their identify and form lakes, oceans, and sustain life on Earth. They create abundance where there was once nothing. Our experiences, good and bad,  may seem daunting and meaningless on their own.  However, when you put those droplets of existence together they provide the great abundance of knowledge and direction that enable us to flourish, elevate and grow. This is our unique recipe. It is the sweet and the spice of life. Embrace it all and be thankful.

Happy Easter

How does missing someone serve you?

What does it feel like to miss a ghost? A ghost is nothing more than an image and a memory, or a symbol that lives in your mind. Missing it does not make it real. Missing it does not bring it to life. Missing something that's not there only makes you suffer. It may be a mild suffering, or a suffering so wide that you fall in and can't get out... but the only thing we get from missing something is suffering. So why have we been wired to miss things that don't exist yet... or miss something we once had. If you continue to miss this or miss that... you are really just missing out on a moment that can otherwise be great.

In the case of romantic love, I've been told it's based on chemicals. It's a chemical withdrawal from the absence of love. We miss it only because we are hooked on this high that comes from a deep connection with someone else. They always say... you don't miss the person... you miss being in a relationship. Another one is... time heals all.  Apparently, with time you lose the dependence and become yourself again. Back to yourself again...that's an interesting statement... as every moment we change...we can never go back to who we once were, yet that is what we are told. I am not even the same person I was 2 minutes ago. How can anyone go back to who they were before when they met someone that had changed their life experiences? You can't wipe it all out.  Personally, I know you don't always forget someone and you can still miss someone even after a considerable amount of time passes. It's not always just a fear of being alone. However, with time, you either let it keep bothering you or you gotta let it slide. You just give up on letting that feeling of missing someone matter. The feeling of missing that person becomes a passing thought and nothing more. I don't think time heals all. I think time just wears you down. Like a brand new mountain, it's sharp and jagged but with time... even the sharpest ridges smooth right down. The resistance is what makes everything so much harder. But still... why?

In the case of missing someone who has passed away... sometimes I think that's easier because you know they are really gone. They are probably someone you love, someone who was important to you, and someone who didn't hurt you, or they could be the opposite. Missing them still hurts but the closure is in the death itself. You know you will never bump into them. You know they can't come back and spend time with you. There is a real finality there. It makes more sense that missing them hurts, but could hurts less. It still serves no purpose as it creates such great suffering but it makes sense. They are really gone. I have lost only a few loves in my life. My greatest lost love is my grandfather. When I think of him sometimes I still get a slight teary eyed... he died when I was 16... that's nearly 20 years ago and my mind is still so attached I can't think of him without an emotional reaction. There are those who have lost children, their life partner, their parents...and the loss is great. The loss is inconceivable. But why must we suffer so much along with the loss?

I guess my real question is... How do these emotions serve us? If we are a formula designed to outlive and outsmart the rest, to survive, and to move on, why would our brains collect and hold ghosts that haunt us. Why would we be held hostage by emotions? Why do we have a brain that limits our ability to live in the moment?

I mean negative emotions are not always a black hole you can't escape. With maturity and having enough experiences in life those emotions are often what drives people to change. It teaches you to be compassionate. They drive you to help others. They tap into a well within hat you were unaware of before...the shared well of the human experience. Joy and suffering...things we all feel... all in the same well. It can create great growth and change.  But that's not the case with everyone. Many are held hostage by their fear, anxiety, and sadness. They have no tools to break free. In dark times dark emotions take over and they can hardly see the light. Why do we have this powerful tool developed by evolution that serves to create all we know today and also debilitate us all with just one thought? I don't know...

With a blink of an eye your world can turn upside down.  What you thought was once there is now not. What you thought was reality, is now just history. The world can be unknown and scary...or it can be a journey that is exciting and new with every step...


I guess... try not to take your moments for granted.

Mindful March

March is here, and I'm a little late in posting. This month is Mindful March. I like where this trend is going. It is a good way to remind people to stop and ground themselves in the moment. It's time to pay attention. It won't be that hard. The beauty of spring is in Vancouver. Currently, it's spring break for me. I have already enjoyed 1 week of holidays on vacation in the Yukon, Northern Canada. I went to Whitehorse to enjoy some winter activities and hoping to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. No such luck. I still had a great time though. I went ice fishing, dog sledding and it snowed like no tomorrow there. I also went up to the Alaska for a short visit in the tourist town of Skagway. It's a port for a lot of cruise ships. It was low season, so the town was dead. Luckily there was a restaurant open. We had a snack and went back on the road for the 3 hour drive back to Whitehorse.

It was an interesting trip. We had a lot of new experiences there.

I will post some photos when I get around to it.

So this idea of Mindfulness March got passed down to me from my dear friend Michelle who tagged me in an Instagram photo that was posted by Mala Collective. Mala Collective is a Vancouver based Mala retailer. They have come up with a list of mindful goals for people to engage in for the week. Yesterdays was a mindful meal. Today is a mindful moment of bliss. I sat down for a moment at a coffee shop and thought about that today. A mindful meal is something I can understand.  You sit down, look and smell your food. You taste every bite. You show gratitude and love towards the food and yourself, and those that made it for you and got it to your plate. A mindful moment of bliss is harder. How do you just find a moment to capture bliss? Bliss is a very unique feeling. It doesn't come around all the time. Most of the time when you feel bliss it's a surprise. It also comes and then recedes. When you are feeling blissful do you want to waste that moment and pull the phone and take a picture? Maybe right after you capture it, it will be gone.  I took a picture of a peaceful moment instead. Peaceful moments are easy to find. In any situation you can find peace if you quiet your mind down. If you look at whats around you it's easy to feel peaceful. Bliss... that's a hard one. I will need to find a way to get there. To find it for myself. Whenever I've experienced bliss it was a shared emotion with someone else.

I haven't been writing in my blog that often because, for one, I had forgotten my password for a while. I also met someone new and was spending some time with them. Recently, we have separated and moved on to new chapters in our lives. I read my previous post on being single and I have some more thoughts on that now. Romantic experiences teach you a lot about life.  Most importantly it teaches you to move on with it.  Being involved in a romantic connection is a great feeling but it always comes with risks. It comes with the risks of being vulnerable and being hurt. It comes with the realization that someone you like and care might not be the right one for you even if you want them to be. So then what? When two sides can't overcome hurdles then you let that go and move one. I always wonder so much pain must come out of so much happiness? But now I realize it's part of the process. Joy and pain come from the same place. You can't have one without the other. If you don't to experience pain with someone or from someone, then don't engage in joyful experiences with them. Connections create disconnect. Caring creates hurt. It's two sides of the same coin. Success comes with failure. I'm going to work hard this month on being Mindful of this new experience and see it for what it is and let it be. I want to be grateful for the good times and to understand and accept the pain. I am also going to do daily practices of mindfulness so I can appreciate more of what's here and now. I don't want to miss those little moments that can be astounding just because I wasn't paying attention.

There was a poster I saw on Instagram that said something like this... if you had a bank account that gets a deposit of 1,000 dollars everyday but whatever is remaining is gone by midnight...would you withdrawal all of it each day or loose some of it everyday? The logical answer is to withdrawal daily, because if you don't it's gone. Too late, bye bye. Everyday is like that with time. Spend the time on what you want...find out what is at the root of your happiness.Then spend your time make the world a better place by making yourself a happier person.

Mindful March came to me at a very needed time. I am so grateful.

Sunday morning giggles

When the going gets tough I will remember this. 

Heehee. So there is always something to be grateful for. 

Rainy Friday evening: The ramblings of a 30 something single woman.

Today is my parents 40th anniversary. In times like these that's a big deal. It's a great achievement. We celebrated with a home cooked dinner. Nothing too special, but we did have a unique kind of food that my mom made just for tonight. After all these years their love was still worth celebrating. Though when  I am around them love is not the first thing that is evident. It is there, I guess, in the commitment they give to one another, the things they do for each other and the life they share together as two separate people. They tolerate one another. They work through problems together. However, there is no hand holding, no kissing,  nor any tender moments. BUT my mom did make this special dish... maybe that is her way of showing her love. My dad ate it, maybe that's his way.  This is what love looks like at 40 years for some people. For others it looks different. It's such an important thing. It's something we all need and something I think we all want. Yet between two people, it's defined so uniquely there is probably no same exact definition.

I feel a little numb when I think of this sometimes. I guess because I'm single I feel like I've lost my belief in the reliability of romantic love. True love also seems like something so far away I can't even tell if it's real. All romantic love in my life has proven to be an illusion but one that leaves you striped in some way. It's like when a storm comes and blows all the leaves off a tree. The tree looks different. The ground is a mess. You go around with a rake and rake everything into little piles and when you aren't looking a kid comes by and kicks up a pile... or a wind gently blows and there goes another... You are always tending to those leaves. You can cover the piles up with garbage bags, you can guard those leaves with your life but something will come along and stir things up and you will constantly be cleaning up messes that you thought were done with. You get really good at picking up a rake though. You start watching out for that kid with a stringent eye. But in some ways you become the grumpy old lady that is hovering around her pile of leaves with a rake all day long. You are too busy raking leaves to take time to prune and fertilize the tree... 

Personal experience...Right now, dating and meeting people feels like walking through a land mine. I really love meeting new people and spending time getting to know others. But sometimes that's as far as it goes and you've had an entertaining date or two. It's too weird to stay friends so you move on. Sometimes it's not so entertaining. Then you just go your separate ways. You never know what you are going to get. You might find someone attractive but they don't feel the same or vice versa. They may not be ready for a relationship but attempt to anyway...   Someone you thought you'd click with creates no heart sparks at all.  Sometimes you meet someone wonderful but you know it's not the right match for some reason. There are so many risks involved with dating...all which include feelings of dread, disappointment, sadness, wanting, fear...etc... But I  remind myself I must take things one step at a time. I learned that in this journey and in every relationship I have encountered I have insecurities lurking around dark corners waiting to be discovered. I run into obstacles that really tests my limits of tolerance.  The journey of finding love really puts you in sticky situations in order to make you see yourself. It's not an easy journey but you grow from it. The self doubt will always come in and out... until the force of love teaches you to love yourself. Loving yourself and putting your needs before others is actually a really important thing when you are dating. It keeps you on the right track especially when tempting prospects come around and try to steer you off course. Can you love yourself to walk away from situations and people that are clearly not right for you? Recently, I have learned about boundaries more than anything else. I value that lesson very much. Though I am also learning that rigid boundaries bring with it incredible fear. That is also something I must be extremely careful about. I don't want my fears to rule my dating life.

In reality, love is everywhere around me. Love is what you do for yourself. Love is what you do for others. Love is a choice beyond anything else. Just like today, there is love there right before me and it has been maintained over 40 years. It just looks different from what I think love looks like, or the kind I'm looking for. I'm still looking for a love that doesn't get boring, and one that doesn't hurt. A love that seems unconditional. To me, sometimes "love" only looks like tolerating someone else but there is a lot of commitment and choice involved in tolerating someone else. Maybe that force that allows you to tolerate someone else forever is true love. I often think of a fantasy love. I wish to hold hands with my partner until we our last days together.  I wish that we will always explore new things and have fun even when our bones are too weak to move for long distances. I wish to be with someone that I can laugh with and can see the world with new eyes with even when our eyes can hardly see. I wish for a love where even on the coldest and darkest days we still be there for each other unquestionably. Maybe there is a love like that or at least one that is mostly like that because there will always be ups and downs. It really sounds like a fantastical kind of love life.  Maybe that is what we are supposed to find out about in life. Find our kind of love and make it happen in this world? Or maybe find out what love really is rather than just live in our fantasies? What is love to you? It seems like a very hard question to answer when in fact it should be very easy. 

Maybe it's this groggy weather making me think. I just feel kinda pensive.I went on a couple of dates this week and I'm starting to feel fearful that what I want does not exist anymore. I say any more because at one point in my life I believed wholeheartedly that it was here. I guess I feel confused and a little bit worried about being able to navigate any kind of romantic relationship without it ending up an emotional disaster. I know I'm fearful of relationships now. But they say you receive in life what you give. My energy in this segment of my life is not generating the best feelings. I must stay hopeful that someone is out there looking for me and the same things I want.  If I exist so must he right? We just gotta find one another. In the meantime, I will walk through this land mine to get to my destination.

Wish me luck people. 

Love this encouraging horoscope. Will refer to it for all things in need of encouragement.