A letter to myself.

2016 has been a challenge so far. It's hasn't been atrociously difficult but there have been some bumps in the road. There has been some losses, some battles, and some terribly anxious moments. They are also consistently spread out through the months. Unlike previous years, there were blocks of time where I might have been going through something but this year it feels like this it's a running theme. I am more negative this year in general. It's funny how at the very end of 2015 I spent the day on my own to celebrate the new year coming in. Spiritually, I felt I need that space and freedom around me. I thought that I would be welcoming a joyful and fruitful year because 2015 was incredible. It's very ironic or maybe the expectations were too high and naturally disappointment follows. You also never know what is around the corner. As this year has brought up some difficult circumstances and my overall general emotional state is not at it's best there has also been huge dissapointments towards at myself. I am disappointed for not being able to do more, to be more for others and to do more for myself. But I have resolved that this is a year for me to take things slow and do the best I can where I am. I will try my hardest to give but if I can't, I just can't.

Though for some perspective, there have also been great things this year and it's also only March, or near end of March. It's too soon to write the whole year off. But it's been up and down, up and down. And at times I felt despair, loneliness, frustration, desperation, sadness and fear. Lots of negative feelings. I have also felt elation, excitement, hope, accomplishment, wonder and awe. It's been so up and down for me I'm starting to wonder if I am bipolar. But I feel like what it truly happening is a crop up of emotions that I have not worked through are blossoming because circumstances have provided the fertile grounds for them to bloom and hopefully be released. 

In the past couple of years I've worked very hard on my awareness and for the most part it has only brought good things to my life. But, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I have to be happy and always positive. So when something knocks me off my feet, it's hard to get up immediately and be that person again. I've forgotten what it feels like to be sad or negative for long periods of unwavering time. Recently, I had to give into the fact that the negative feelings I have are real and I can't ignore them. They are there for a reason. How I use and interpret them is important though. The most common feelings that have been coming through recently are resentment, anger and regret and guilt. They are often directed both myself and others. I have also been feeling this is an unfair world, a world where there is no insurance you can buy to protect you from. Then I also feel disappointment from the fact that no matter how hard I try to change, I am reverting to the same person with the same reactions and same fears.  I see a side of myself I don't like.  Then I wonder which is my true self? Is my true self the one with all the emotions bubbling under the surface or is my true self that state of peace and happiness I work so hard at accomplishing? All I can say is that I am not a Buddha. It's hard for me to turn the other cheek and I can't pretend that what others do is not hurtful. Recent circumstances made me think about a person in my life that once told me they don't think people really change. At that time  I thought that people changed if they wanted to and if they took their life lessons seriously. Now I'm starting to wonder.  Maybe it's true. Maybe you can try all your life to be a particular kind of loving saint, one that never gets hurt, offended, or angry, one that always takes the high road and acts with love and compassion but it's all but a futile journey because you are human and you will fail... at least once in a while.

But now it's been a day and a half and though these thoughts crop up I am now cooling down and sitting here thinking that what someone has done to me is no different that what I have done to others in the past. So someone has hurt me, they have bruised my ego and they have crossed my personal boundaries. I can feel hurt. I can feel pain. But to be honest, I have done the same exact things to others. This is what I realized after sitting around in negativity for 1.5 days. I have done the same things to others. And did I feel bad about it? Yes. Did I want to hurt them? No. Did I know what I was doing? No. Did I feel like I had any other options at the time? No. I was just trying to make myself feel better because I was in pain. I know this world can be a dark place sometimes and we do whatever it takes to make it a warmer place for ourselves. Why do I get to sit in judgment? Whether it ends up hurting someone is not a consequence we are thinking about. I need to forgive those who have hurt me because I need to forgive myself and I need to replace it with understanding and compassion. We are all human. We don't always do the right things. In fact, we often do the wrong things. Nothing makes me immune from being on the other side. What comes around goes around. We call that Karma.  I deserve to be loved, to be respected and to be treated fairly as does anyone else but I also deserve compassion when I am making desperate choices and so does someone else.  Afterall, those choices come from a dark place where there is no light. Sometimes it feels like there is no other choice. Like The Arcade Fire said "we are just a million little gods causing rain storms, turning every good thing to rust. That's why we just have to adjust." Something like that...

I was getting pretty down and out and hating the world for a hot minute and looking for validation of my negative feelings from outside myself. I wanted a harem of anger. I wanted a revolution but I am no Hilter. I can't gather a crowd of hate. All my friends are also extremely spiritual and have worked hard on their own demons. My demons weren't going to drag them down. And even if I had my crowd of hate it would help little. It would just stoke a fire and when the fire burnt out the pain would still be there. Sometimes you just need to sit with yourself and let the feelings pass. We are all guilty of something. We have all been unkind, selfish, and hurt others intentionally and unintentionally in the past. This is the way the world goes around. The cycle of pain has to stop within myself first before i expect it of others. There is so much negativity in the world that if I dived into this ocean I would never get out.  I found some online posters about depression and man are they accurate. They truly reflect the hurt. I had gone through a painful journey many years ago and remember the numbness I felt.  I felt like I was an alien in this world. I couldn't smile genuinely, I couldn't pay attention to conversations, I couldn't laugh with my friends without really faking it. It was a rough time. It's hard to be an imposter. I was stuck in my mind and I couldn't leave the past alone. Though I'm past that dark place it will always be a part of me now and I will fall down that pit again.  But I can't live in that hole for very long because I built myself ladders and I left a flashlight down there because I desperately learned my own way out. Today for a hot minute I felt like I was there again and then, snap yo' fingers,  I came out. I am so grateful for that.  The fact that I am here now in a state of peace is a sign that I have grown from all these lessons.  The old stories are lessons, but not every story is the same but still the shadows cast far and wide. We need to walk away from the past as it may serve to teach you lessons you but if you take those lessons literally they can hurt you. I am hoping that writing out this story has opened up room in my heart so I can let it go. I don't want to be angry or hurt anymore. And I don't want to continue this cycle of throwing daggers and pain down the time space continuum. Maybe, for once, this  pain will teach me to do things differently, rather than just think differently, act differently to save myself and others from further pain.

Spring break. Ahhhh

Spring break is finally here and I can finally take that long sigh that my mind and body had been needing to take since New Years. 

It's been one stressful year so far. On Friday night after getting home from meeting up with some friends I slept for a full 12 hours. I am not one to sleep in but without any expectations for the next day and looming responsibilities my body was finally able to relax. Today is first day of spring break. MONDAY!!! OH! How I love this Monday. I have a list of things to do today but the first thing I did was plant much ass down at a coffee shop and do nothing. I forgot how much I love sitting in a coffee shop and doing nothing.  I need to do this more. I'm not even reading.  Sometimes I look around and other times in texting my friends. I feel so free!!!

I feel happy and I realize I feel more empowered.  I'm stress free right now and all I had to do was do something I love. I just had to take care of myself. I have currently put aside all of the things that have been on my mind and realized they don't need to be on my mind all the time.

I'm so grateful for having this time to myself today.  So so grateful.  Thank you public education system! !!

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. It's a day to celebrate women and strengthen women related causes in this world. I am fortunate to be able to write a long list of the amazing women in our lives. I am lucky to be able to celebrate today and any day with freedom. It's a wonderful privledge to be a woman but especially to be a woman in North America. With the day in mind, there were reminders everywhere of all the amazing miracles women bring into this world. Not just through child birth or taking care of their families (though these are truly important things) but in the how they change things in the little worlds around them, how much love they can give and how so many women have changed the entire world with their bravery.


Today I celebrated International Women's Day doing a Zumba class with one of my best friends that was in support of new cancer research. The entire class was filled with women. The teachers were women. There was a 88 year old survivor of breast cancer 2x over sitting in a chair and watching her grand daughter lead a class for the rest of us. Our instructors, who were women, smiled all through the class constantly increasing the vitatlity and energy of the space. I felt so grateful that all around me were amazing women who lead as examples of how to live their life. Survive, love, smile and stay healthy... support one another and have fun. Enjoy life.

Happy International Women's Day.

Sad

Today I am sad.  Someone told me something today that really hurt me. Then I said some things in anger.  Now that has changed everything.  Funny how, in the moment of anger, you feel like you will always feel strongly about something one way or the other.  Once your anger goes away it's not so.  But you can't take back words and I will not apologize.  And the person who told me her truth told it out of love. But I rather her not tell me.  Then today there would have been no daggers thrown.  Today there would have been no bridges burnt.

When your planner makes you look like a nerd.

How did time come and go like this? It feels like it's the beginning of the new year but we are already heading into March. I looked at my calendar and realized that the adventures I've planned for spring break are coming so fast. I know the next 3 weeks, whether they go smoothly or with some bumps, will fly by. Time seems to move faster when you get older. Does anyone notice that? If you don't make a strong commitment to make certain priorities in your life manifest they might just slip away without noticing. Time waits for no one.

My planner is like a journal I keep with all my life's events. It's not just for organization but also historic accounts of my life. It helps me remember fun times and it puts my life in perspective. It also shows trends in my interests, the people I spend time with etc... I like to review it. So far, I feel this year has been tame in personal matters, but occupationally, very challenging. Last year, my social life was so abundant, and work was so tame. How do things switch like that so fast?  I had two different types of readings from the Buddhist temple for 2015 and 2016. Last year the reading said that my karma had ripened and fruit was ready for the picking. This year my reading said I needed to sow some more seeds of intention and wait for the conditions to be right. Apparently, my karma is not as good this year. I need to work a little more the dharma. Most importantly, I need to make some changes in life that include getting rid of a bad habit. I do believe in these readings as they appear to suit the signs of the times.

I want 2016 to be full of life but not just during spring break. I need to make more of an effort to liven things up. I find that I am getting lazy. On weekends I don't mind staying at home. I want to just relax. I don't exercise as much.  I eat out less. I meditate. These are all good things. However, they don't add much variety to my life. I want adventure and I want peace. I want excitement and I want relaxation. I want friends, family, and a love life, but I also want my own time. I want a little bit of everything.  I don't want to look back at my planner at the end of the year and see that I only had fun during spring break and summer. I will do it all! I will remember to say yes to life at least once a week lol.

Happy and calm.

Every day is getting a bit better. Today I was actually quite happy throughout the day. First thing in the morning I was smiling and on my toes ready for work! Whatever the day was to bring to me I was determined to greet it with a smile! And guess what? It was a perfect work day! It was such a successful day I couldn't believe it myself. My heart was shining and beating so loud today even the heavens could hear.

This week I also got two gifts, kind of out of the blue. I got a SCOBY(a starter for making Kombucha at home) and milk kefir grains. I will have a little probiotics factory working out of my cupboard soon. I am happy for the fresh kefir grains even though I was a little bit reluctant to accept them at first. I use to have kefir grains and they pretty much took over the basement. Eventually, I had to let them go and it felt like a failed venture. But at the same time I am buying kefir now in a bottle to use in my smoothies and fresh probiotics are probably better than bottled ones so I am grateful. Maybe it is time to try again.

I got my Scoby from my cousin whom I got to know better last year. I didn't even know she enjoyed home fermentation. I was pretty ironic because I had bought a bottle of Kombucha the day she got in touch with me about her home brew. Now I have my own Scoby. Kombucha was something I've wanted to brew for a long time at home. Woot! I looked at my Kombucha today and it was already a little fizzy. I took a taste but it was pretty bland. Just gotta wait a little longer for more fermentation to take place and then i'll start experimenting with flavours and the double fermentation process. I feel a little in love with that SCOBY. It is alive after all and it's going to give me millions of beneficial bacteria and yeast that will only make my life awesome! Maybe the more I love it the better it will ferment for me. I am very grateful for my two gifts of probiotics. I must pay it forward once my babies start to grow!

On another note, the last two months I've been extremely stress. In the last two weeks, my sleep quality had gone down hill. The last two days was feeling like back in the day when I had full fledge insomnia. However, both times I slathered my insanity on Cheesefight and both nights I slept into the night afterwards because of it. For whatever reason writing releases my anxiety. I truly write for myself as no one reads my blog. Somehow it acts as a release even though it's not all that different than repeating stories in my head. The only audience afterall is me. Maybe it's the act of publishing it into the world wide web that feels like a form of letting go. I have private entries too and when they remain unpublished and hidden from sight those problems don't feel as far away.  I find it an interesting process. There are so many things to be grateful for. Good night world wide web. Thanks for listening to me.

Why??!!

Today by mid afternoon my anxiety had gone down. I feel good and positive. I felt more capable of dealing with different kinds of stress. After work I came home, ate dinner, watched tv and meditated for a bit. I was sooooo tired. For sure I was going to fall asleep. Why?! Why?!?!!!!! Why can't I sleep? And I keep thinking about things too, especially things I can't change or have control over at this very minute. It's frustrating not being able to rest. 

Yesterday after typing out my thoughts onto this blog I was finally able to sleep. I just cAnt get certain things off my mind. My mind knows it's not good to peserverate but the heart won't let go. 

While meditating today I did have an epiphany and it was how my body truly is the Universe. It kinda clicked. I am soothing myself. I am healing myself with the power I have within. It's not from something out there. All I need is within me as I am as big as the entire Universe bc I am a Universe. And I am the only Universe in my life that's real.