How I am trying to find balance in times of uncertainty.

I get all my lessons from

1. Love and fear
2. My family and friends
3. My students
4. Animals
5. Nature

I need to focus on my gratitude for the above everyday.

My most influential spiritual teachers
In the order of which teachings were received.

1. Eckart Tolle
2. Jin Bodhi
3. Brene Brown
4. Deepak Chopra
5. Michael A. Singer
6. Pema Chodron

Most influential book for my creativity...
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

So when trying to find balance I think going back to the people and things that  gave me the best vehicle to get to balance is a smart thing to do. How about you?

When stressed, it doesn't help that the world is falling apart, economically and physically. Aside from global warming, we are nearing a global pandemic and economic recession. There is so much fear in the world. Personally, there has been too much on my mind that pertains to family. I've been trying to contain an outbreak in my family while ignoring the one in my mind. Instead, the problems of the world are all I focus on and see as I see them as a threat. I am very threat-heightened right now.
What is the acceptance that needs to happen here? Even if I do everything I can to keep me and my family safe the outcome will be whatever it will be. Preparedness is good but it doesn't change the inevitable. It just delays it. People get old. People get sick. Everyone will eventually die. Threats will also continue to come. As you get older, you have more to lose. I am grateful to have an abundant life which shields me from alot of negative things in this world. But no one is immune and though I dislike bad things happening in my life I know I need this. In some way... I need this to learn how to change and.. better at handling hard things that come my way.

After posting last night I read through my older posts and the most trying times in my life have been recorded on there with very little information on actual events. There are a few uplifting entries as well.  As the blog is for me and my emotional processing I know that many of those post were written in dark times. In times of saying good bye to loved ones or not being able to say good bye even. That pain never goes away and I guess when you get another chance you want to do all you can before it's too late. It's interesting how I forgot those same mental struggles I had then.

To be more open I want to share that my heart has  been breaking a lot lately. My great uncle whom I love very much had a health crisis. Yet now he is safe and in care. My great aunt is living on her own and I have to remind myself she is managing.  Though I wish things were different and that they could be together that may not be what is best. My parents are also older now and I can see their exhaustion. It's a hard place to be but everyone has moments like this in their life. And I have been asking myself lately why does this have to happen now. In a moment when visiting hospitals are the the scariest thing to do. Where staying at a hospital is risky. Where there is a virus taking over the globe that has a bad track record for the elderly. But what does that this constant thinking do? It just creates bitterness and it just victimizes you. This is just now life is right now. I can only work in the dimensions of what life is evolving in.

My sister tells me worrying does nothing. And she is often more anxious than me. She has an outbreak 15 minutes away from her home, in Kirkland. And senior home and a rehab facility, just like the kind my uncle is in. It's hard not to be scared. 50 people are suspected to be infected. No visitors are allowed. All I want is for my uncle to be released but my family says he needs to be there. If SHTF I dont want him to be alone and not with his wife. I don't want him to be in the rehab facility with no way to contact his family. In my own position, if I were that old I'd rather be with my partner and die together but I cant assume that bad things are to come.  I can only put my trust in our government and our health system. No one wants these things to happen. No one can do anything about sick people in hospitals.

Seeing people suddenly lose their gifts, memory, ability to do things for themselves and show dementia... it's hard. It's harder to not be able to help as much as one can. My parents have told me to take a step back bc I work in a school. They fear I can infect them and my uncle. I know they also dont want me to go to the hospital in fear I can get sick. Familial sacrifice is a double edge sword. I told them I would stay away for 1 week and see what develops. At the end of the day, it's risky in a school and I would not want to make him sick.

So every morning instead of watching the news updates to see what I need to do to get ready for coronavirus I will do something calming. Start the day off on a good note.

This morning I listed to some music from Bodhi Meditation. I didn't start the day with Dr. John Campbell's updates on the coronavirus. I didn't check global BC updates or the canadian websites for new data. So far I haven't gone out to hoard toilet paper. I didnt do that today and I havent done that yet. It's not like checking or buying toilet paper can stop it from coming here. Am I prepared? Yes. Is my family prepared? Yes. Is my aunt's house stocked? Yes. Is my sister prepared? Yes. Are my friends prepared? Most of them. Are we going to be ok? Who knows.

But I will be grateful today...

I am grateful for...
1. Modern science
2. The great minds of humans that can do good
3. All the love I have been given and also have to share
4. Ray... who has seen me cry so many times in a day and has learned to cope with this new phase in both our lives
5. The beautiful sunshine  we get today
6. Smiles from strangers
7. Warmer weather.

And I'll try to post a bit of gratitude everyday.

A letter to my fear.

Confession. I am suffering right now. Everyday I feel like I am suffering more and more. There are days where I pat my own back and tell myself I've done a great job and the next moment I feel defeated. I try to make this a softer place but sometimes making a softer place for others makes life more painful for me. I feel a lot of pressure.

Sometimes I feel like I am punishing myself because I think if I do all the right things, I can fix everything. We all do that, don't we?  In my family, sacrifice is love. I've learned this behaviour too as I easily sacrifice parts of myself for others. Parents do this all the time. Partners do it too. Sacrifice is one of the highest offerings of love. I don't regret choices I make when they come from a place of love but I know now if I am not careful with my energy it can hurt me back. I just want to acknowledge sacrifice also causes pain. My pain is temporary and I will be ok. But acknowledging that pain came from my own actions was sort of an "ah ha" moment for me.

Somehow you can feel pain from doing what's right. And doing what is right doesn't mean you can stop inevitable things from happening. Sacrifice isn't actually an offering that can pay you back what you have lost. It is an action that once given and taken,  that's it! No guarantees on outcomes. Somethings will happen no matter what. Now I see my sacrifices were not just for others but were also selfish.  Sacrifice is also a way of controlling the world around you. At some point, we have to admit we can't control everything. I need to accept the changes in life, as they are the natural order of things.

Without being careful, there is a new phase in my life now that is about battling my own intrusive thoughts that seem to grow more and more each day. It's my turn to feel anxiety and fear. That is a shitty ass feeling. Feeling a lack of control is a very uncomfortable. But instead of trying to fix it I will have to learn to accept it. So I'll do what I've always done in the past. I'll write and share my thoughts. I'll share the experience of processing my emotions, the way I like to do it. Did you know that whenever I used to feel strong feelings I would type it all out? I would read what I wrote over and over again and edit.  Editing the intrusive thoughts or the negative background noise in my mind helped me focus on more proactive behaviours or just more mindful. It made me more aware of how that voice just keep telling stories when nothing was wrong in that moment. With awareness I was able to change the script sometimes or have some brief relief from listening to stories in my head.

I also use to meditate a lot and I've stopped doing that for a while. Life got pretty care free. Life was super duper. I didn't need to meditate.  Meditation is a dedication and where I loved the concept of it I hated the discipline of it. It is a thing that is frustrating to begin and difficult to master. I remember my teacher saying not to give up. He always said that we may have better things to do now, things that are more fun even but the day will come when we will need that locus of control in our mind and like everything without practice the skill goes away. And he was right. So I'll be trying to find some balance in emotion, energy and mental processing. Most importantly, I am focusing on my thoughts and feelings instead of resisting them, instead of resisting what life has recently given me. And also to stop making everything about my suffering. I need to remind myself to be grateful.

In a small moment, so many things change but the past is not meaningless. There is goodness there. There is importance in the past and the future but the now is a moment you can't say no to. So you have to be in it and try to embrace it. Life didnt do something to you. Life is just life. This is just how it is supposed to play out. In general, life moves forward for everyone. Regardless if you like the place forward is heading to. No one gets to choose every detail. These days I try to tell myself nothing makes me so special that I don't have to ever experience pain or sadness because it's true.

Those things that other people have to go through, I never understood. I would always try to help if someone was sad but it's not the same as feeling sad and out of control.  With the lack of true understanding there is always room for judgment.  That is the gift pain can give, sudden understanding. When growing anxiety comes I try to soften my body, focus on my breath and to focus on something that's in front of me but of course it doesn't always work. I will accept that there isnt always a solution that feels good. There will always be good moments and bad ones. I must rely on coping strategies. Coping strategies are things I teach to others. Now I have to teach them to myself. I don't want anyone to worry. Things are as they should be. Everything is fine because nothing is wrong. It just feels wrong to me. But life is neutral. Everything is just neutral until we give it meaning. Life isnt  fitting into the box perfectly like I wanted to but who said i get to choose.

I am just like everyone else and on that note I finally know how so many others feel. Somehow that connectedness also makes you feel a little less pained. So many people in the world are hurting just like you and they get up the next day and live their life anyway. That's just the human condition. Now I am yet again experiencing something that makes me a little more human.  That is something to be grateful for I suppose.

Writing is how I process things. Somehow editing my thoughts and posting it online feels like I've sent my new, edited thoughts and feelings into the Universe, like... hey Uni, this is the good copy, scrap that other one. So please accept this final copy.

Sunday reflections

January, 28th, 2018. Sunday

I have a lot of emotions going on. I think it has to do with my period as my hormonal timeline is often mixed with a lot of strong emotions. Often I don't know if those emotions are legitimate or not. Either way I have to endure, along with those that are closest to me, until the tidal wave falls. The major emotion I am struggling with this time is fear. Funny how fear takes over for some people and for others it just evades them. Maybe that's a wrong perception or observation. It might be more accurate to say that fear must strike everyone hard in some way or other. The only thing that is different between people is subject matter.  Anyway, at this moment in time I feel as though I'm in the fear zone.

Funny that Fear is a kind of trickster. It has this maryter like quality to it. What I mean is that it tries to deceive you sometimes. At first, I thought the fear had a stoic ground to stand on. It was not for myself but just for the ones I love dearly and closely. Fear justified my insensitivity towards them because I was just a concerned person acting on their behalf. I feared for their pain. I feared for their lack of health. I feared for their emotional safety. As I observed their patterns of behaviour repeating over time it was made aware that I had to intervene for these poor helpless souls. It was as if lines of lessons and regrets were being drawn along the sands of Memory Beach only to be washed away by the waves of indifference. Why can't they see what they are doing to themselves? I asked. Why didnt they care? Well... my fear grew deeper and greater.  I started to suffer. It was then that I realized this fear was not for them. It was a fear for me. I encased my fear with glitter and gold to make it appear like it was a great sacrifice for me to care so much about them. In reality, they were all fine. I was the one not fine. Even with pain, even with possibility of heart break they carried forward, cheerfully. However, I was stuck. I was stuck worried about witnessing their pain. I was stuck worried about losing them in my life.  Though these were legitimate concerns they paid no mind. Why? I couldn't understand. But it's not up to me, is it?

Fear is never alone. My fear lead to me to fear based responses. The anger and the sadness were all indications of that. I tried to control their actions with my reminders and looks so they would remain safe, so they would remember the promises they made to themselves. I was there when we said we would change. I was there when we talked about how we had made choices that were great lessons. But we forgot, right?  I forget too.  I was frustrated and angry. I was unhappy. Was I frustrated with  myself or with them? Was I unhappy with myself or with them? Why did it bother me so much? How was that being helpful to anyone? I needed to reflect.

Whenever I have had rough moments or even just weak moments I felt the most nurtured when someone was there for me, without judgment. I needed to do the same. I want to be there for the people I love, without judgement. Can you have fear but no judgment? It's so hard to not fear when you have so much to lose. That just tells me how important they are to me. With that realization I asked myself if this was the mark I wanted to leave on their eternal souls? An enforcer, a controller, a guilt maker? I didn't want that. I wanted to be a love maker, beauty finder, a best friend, a soft place to land.  I needed to treat them better while we have this precious time together. I mean... in my mind... I think there is danger beyond... in the future. I feel worried that my fears will come true. If so, why would I spend this time before the storm making them feel bad, causing conflict, making life an unhappy place. No one changes unless they really want to. No matter how much we love them they don't change for us. They are also not responsible for our anxieties or fears. Only we are. So when you love someone a great task is just to learn how to separate yourself from them to know that although you are one in many ways... either friendship or romantic love you are still separate. And although people can cause ripples amongst the softness of the Universe, that comes with good and bad. Ripples are where the greatest laughter comes from. It's where the strongest love comes from. It's where you can feel someone next to you even though they are across the country. Ripples can cross time, land and space. It's powerful stuff. If you want the good, you must accept the bad. Otherwise we must do away with all ripples. Then life would be a flat, boring, vast and endless place.

I love so many people. I am so lucky to have so many people in my life to love. I am also so lucky to have so many people love me back. I must give some strong ass ripples and keep giving them! So for every good ripple, I know I might get a bad one in return and ... Vice Versa. That's life and that's actually a good life.

I need to remember.... A person will only change when they are ready and when they want to. Not when I'm anxious and worried and fearful for their health and happiness. No. Life doesn't work that way. But I can work in a different way. I can relinquish control and love more. I can wish for the best and fear less. I can turn a new page each time a page gets turned back. And I need to remember that the future can be taken for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. What's most important is the time spent together with the ones you love. Hopefully that time  is spent in love and kindness. Hopefully, every person you care to touch in a meaningful way feels those living ripples and that life is more worth living now, even if it's just for a moment, because it was a good moment shared between genuine souls in an unguaranteed world.

Saying good-bye

Another challenge. Another goodbye. This year there has been so much sadness. I just returned from the hospital today and a relative of mine will be passing away tomorrow. They are pulling the plug.  3 weeks ago he felt sick. Tomorrow he will die.  So fast.  Last week I went to a celebration of life for my friend's dad. Though I hurt I know so many people are hurting more than me. Their pain is so unimaginable and I don't want to feel it or know it. It's been one sad story after another. Then, personally, one mental hurdle after another. It feels like there hasn't been a break. I keep taking off into the woods with who ever will go with me. It's the only way to forget all the things that I have one my mind. Somehow looking into the campfire at night, hiking and just worrying about how to cook your food takes away so much anxiety. I am never in town. I'll leave on a whim.  But regardless of the escape you can't live in the woods forever. Running away is not a solution. You have to go back and face all the fears you have. I'll just escape for  this summer and try to find other coping skills come September.

RIP Gerd Mueller and Uncle Albert I feel lucky and honored to have been able to spend some time with you today. I hope the journey to your next destination is smooth and lovely. May you watch out over us here on Earth. 

reflections

It's summer vacation time and I am free but today I am all stressed again and unhappy. My life is pretty good but sometimes I can't help but focus on the negative. For instance, I am still working a little bit right now and I was enjoying that. My work hasn't been too stressful until today. I guess in many ways my job is like that of security guard's. Life isn't too exciting when everything is going well but when shit hits the fan... it's bad. Today one of my students physically assaulted me twice. The first time was a minor attempt and then the second time it wasn't. It shocked me as this student hasn't hit me for 10 years at least and leading up to it was minor aggression towards others. I am worried for him and his family and I feel extremely violated. I just don't understand things anymore. Why... why are you hurting me? Why are you hurting others? Things were fine for so long. It's so depressing... this back tracking... regression. Sometimes I look at him and I worry so much. He's changing... and not in a good way... in a scary way and I miss the innocence that he once had.  It really breaks my heart. I am getting older now and long are the days where I am willing to sacrifice my safety to make sure my student's make it through a behaviour plan. I think I am getting too old for this job. Perhaps it's time to change. This year has been the most physical year of my life. It's really put things in perspective for me.  I am so tired.  At school I have experienced just way too much violence. I was hoping I'd get a break this summer. Now I am sitting at home wondering why do I have to sit in bed, feel depressed, type and constantly be aware of the pain throbbing in various parts of my body. Sometimes I feel like there is no solution. I know that I can't control anything aside from just doing the best I can. I feel like I'm done.

I know I am just feeling this way now. I love my kids. I think this year has tested me a lot. I wonder if it's telling me to change direction to keep pushing through. I am not sure yet.

And this year the news has been so terribly depressing. Every week there is a massacre somewhere. In actuality, it's everyday. It's suddenly a different world. It wasn't the one I expected. All I can do is my best again. I need to do my best to love others, do my best to make my life full of my favourite things. I need to do my best to make it a softer place for people to land because this world has suddenly become harsher. Life is a precious gift. Maybe the world will change again soon and for the better. Sometimes a change happens so fast.  Let's wish and pray.


This year I did learn that a lot of my "suffering" is directly linked to my mind and stress. I am starting to believe that all physical suffering is a symptom of the mind. For example... I have some chronic pain... especially in my neck and shoulders. I also developed a cough that won't go away. My arms are always a bit sore and I have some digestive issues. Recently I've been feeling some sharp pain in my left heel. So I sound like a mess... but.... whenever I go hiking or camping 90% of these aches and pains go away, even my cough. How do you explain that? Camping is soooo relaxing. I never think of anything else except for the moment. I get this pleasant, peaceful stillness. I just feel so good. My body doesn't even know to hurt. I know that getting away is good for me. I am trying desperately to heal my life. My recent experiences have really broken the ground I was walking on for so many years. I am rebuilding my life a little right now because I do feel I've been slightly traumatized. I am realizing I need nature to heal me. I've booked so many camping trips this summer and have bought all the supplies I need to get away. It's worth every penny. I am so grateful for the healing power of nature and the lessons it tries to teach us everyday.

I wish for the whole world to be healed. No more pain or violence. No more hurt. Just peace and love. Just some stillness in our minds and hearts.

A painful release

This year has been a series of endless lessons. We are into June... and this may be the most difficult month yet. In any case, I hope it's the hardest and we can move forward now into a time of great joyful abundance. I wish for peace, and happiness. I wish for love, adventure and a safe place for everyone. I wish for a harmonious life for every human being on this planet.

Today I am blogging with my deepest sincerity and heart felt pain. This blog is my platform for the confused webbing of my thoughts and emotions. It's where I release it all.  This is a part of the Universe. It listens. It grants wishes. I whisper my wishes with the stillness in my being. I am still right now.

This weekend is the weekend of epic tragedy in Orlando. When they say bad things come in 3's it was not just a saying for those in Orlando. The death of the Voice star.... 49 dead and more injured in a night club... and the 2 year old boy who was taken by an alligator... All in one small region of this world will probably go down in history. All this suffering makes no sense. At least it makes no sense to me. To someone else in this world this is a cause for celebration. For another, it's an indifferent series of circumstances.  Some react in anger and disgust. Some react with tears and heartache. We are one human race but we are not connected on this ego-plane.  Somehow we have cut ourselves off from our brothers and sisters.

In BC, there are no forest fires, but massive flooding in the north east. In the rest of the world, the must be more natural disasters. Every year the weather gets more extreme. Maybe we are just waking up to the terrible nature of tragic circumstances the rest of the world is now used to. In the West we have been protected and so lucky that many freedoms of culture and lifestyle are granted and are of debate when elsewhere in the world there is no tolerance.  In general, even with disagreement, we are living in harmony. Sometimes I feel like we are District 1. We are the lucky and unknowningly spoiled. We think that there are injustices in our daily lives but it's only because we have nothing close enough to compare it to. Now, everyday, we know a little of global pain. We need to unite as a world. No more violence. No more pain.


In my own little niche of life, there is deep sadness. This Monday, my dear friend lost her son due to gang violence. Such unnecessary death. Such unnecessary pain. What are we fighting for? The media and social media is not the most compassionate in times like these. People make bad choices in life. We all have. People cause suffering. We all do. When all is done can't we turn to the side of compassion? A life is lost. There is humanity in every life. In every human life, there are moments of compassion and love. In every human life there is some softness. In every human life there is also great suffering. Now his family suffers. His mother suffers. She suffers silently because the world points fingers.

I love my friend dearly and my heart aches for her. Losing a child must be the worst loss there can be. That must be the greatest pain in the world. I know she is in pain but how much is something I will never be able to relate to. I will never be able to help her fill the hole this has left in her. My heart aches and hurts for her. Daily, I weep a little and I think her eyes must be stinging in pain from the many tears she's already wept. Her heart must beating as irregularly as the emotional wave that rush in and fade out of her body. She told me she had seen him days before his death. She didn't know that was the last day she would see him again. We take so many things for granted. We just assume things will be the way they have always been. Everyday however, we are reminded that it's not. We are the lucky ones at this moment. If we wake up tomorrow and our world is largely the same we are lucky. We should drop to our knees in gratitude. Everyday... we should do that.

My heart aches for her and her family.

My greatest comfort, for myself, is my belief that we are all beings of energy. This was just one life time. He will never truly be gone. And that goes for all of us. If we make a couple of mistakes here on our this journey we can try again later. We keep coming back. Life continues but just in different forms. Never have I believed in anything more. As this world becomes more uncertain I have more faith in my own beliefs of what we are and where we come from. I also believe more in what we need to accomplish.

RIP CH.

Another post about a difficult year

Lately my posts are so repetitive. 2016 has been a shitty year. Life is so unpredictable... blah blah blah. And that is very true. 2016 has been truly a more challenging year so far.

Let's list some of the challenges.
1) Difficulty at work began end of 2015 and into 2016
2) Had to delete some people from my life
3) Had a bought of digestive issues
4) Illness in family
5) Got injured at work 2x
6) Got supeoned to go to court
7)  and was forced by work to do something I really didn't want to do...

Life in general...around me
1) a handful my friends in education are having some anxiety issues with work...including myself.
2) some broken long term relationships
3) Trump being the candidate for Republican Party
4) Forest fires running rampant throughout Canada

That's the tone of the year... and it's continuing that way. I thought this must be the ripening of negative karma from the past. Or something is going on that I just don't understand because I had it good... I really did for many years running. Every year was getting better and that was my expectation for this year too. Every year I had more enriching experiences. I guess, I really dont' know, these trials i'm experiencing now may be some of the most enriching in my life after some perspective. In the end there are only two ways to approach these situations. 1) fixate on them and make life all about the negativity I see around me...or 2) fix what I see around me in whichever way I can by making changes....  and also trying to learn something from it.

So...here is the good of 2016... let's not just focus on the bad stuff.

1) At some point in the beginning of the year I remembered how much I loved my job that involves working with children with autism with intense behaviours.
2) I appreciated my coworkers more than any other time before in my life
3) I was very grateful to have practice and use meditation more consistently
4) Bodhi meditation Center was always available to me
5) Beautiful weather
6) Snowshoeing in Whistler.
7) Tubing in whistler
8) Went to Utah with Elaine in March. Saw the beautiful Arches. Experienced Zion. Had a wonderful time.
9) Visited my grandfather. Happily surprised and relieved that he was recovering well and was eating. Getting stronger everyday.
10) Will be going camping for the first time.
11) Every time I could have been seriously injured I was protected.
12) My mechanic was able to track down some recipts for my taxes.
13) I saw a hummingbird
14) lots of art and painting.
15) Saw Eckart Tolle.

There must be more i'm not remembering...



One thing is for sure... I learned a lot in this short time. I learned to appreciate time off. I learned to be grateful for the simple things I have because if I choose to be dissatisfied with life, life will show me how lucky I was. I learned to not let things control me completely... to solve problems rather than to be afraid of situations. I learned that even if you had to do something hard, in the spare moments when you are not doing that hard thing, you need to live your life as full as you can. Most of all, give what you can and help and love and be happy.  Life is ever so fragile and ever so precious. We can all go tomorrow. So today make it worthwhile.