reflections

It's summer vacation time and I am free but today I am all stressed again and unhappy. My life is pretty good but sometimes I can't help but focus on the negative. For instance, I am still working a little bit right now and I was enjoying that. My work hasn't been too stressful until today. I guess in many ways my job is like that of security guard's. Life isn't too exciting when everything is going well but when shit hits the fan... it's bad. Today one of my students physically assaulted me twice. The first time was a minor attempt and then the second time it wasn't. It shocked me as this student hasn't hit me for 10 years at least and leading up to it was minor aggression towards others. I am worried for him and his family and I feel extremely violated. I just don't understand things anymore. Why... why are you hurting me? Why are you hurting others? Things were fine for so long. It's so depressing... this back tracking... regression. Sometimes I look at him and I worry so much. He's changing... and not in a good way... in a scary way and I miss the innocence that he once had.  It really breaks my heart. I am getting older now and long are the days where I am willing to sacrifice my safety to make sure my student's make it through a behaviour plan. I think I am getting too old for this job. Perhaps it's time to change. This year has been the most physical year of my life. It's really put things in perspective for me.  I am so tired.  At school I have experienced just way too much violence. I was hoping I'd get a break this summer. Now I am sitting at home wondering why do I have to sit in bed, feel depressed, type and constantly be aware of the pain throbbing in various parts of my body. Sometimes I feel like there is no solution. I know that I can't control anything aside from just doing the best I can. I feel like I'm done.

I know I am just feeling this way now. I love my kids. I think this year has tested me a lot. I wonder if it's telling me to change direction to keep pushing through. I am not sure yet.

And this year the news has been so terribly depressing. Every week there is a massacre somewhere. In actuality, it's everyday. It's suddenly a different world. It wasn't the one I expected. All I can do is my best again. I need to do my best to love others, do my best to make my life full of my favourite things. I need to do my best to make it a softer place for people to land because this world has suddenly become harsher. Life is a precious gift. Maybe the world will change again soon and for the better. Sometimes a change happens so fast.  Let's wish and pray.


This year I did learn that a lot of my "suffering" is directly linked to my mind and stress. I am starting to believe that all physical suffering is a symptom of the mind. For example... I have some chronic pain... especially in my neck and shoulders. I also developed a cough that won't go away. My arms are always a bit sore and I have some digestive issues. Recently I've been feeling some sharp pain in my left heel. So I sound like a mess... but.... whenever I go hiking or camping 90% of these aches and pains go away, even my cough. How do you explain that? Camping is soooo relaxing. I never think of anything else except for the moment. I get this pleasant, peaceful stillness. I just feel so good. My body doesn't even know to hurt. I know that getting away is good for me. I am trying desperately to heal my life. My recent experiences have really broken the ground I was walking on for so many years. I am rebuilding my life a little right now because I do feel I've been slightly traumatized. I am realizing I need nature to heal me. I've booked so many camping trips this summer and have bought all the supplies I need to get away. It's worth every penny. I am so grateful for the healing power of nature and the lessons it tries to teach us everyday.

I wish for the whole world to be healed. No more pain or violence. No more hurt. Just peace and love. Just some stillness in our minds and hearts.