A story of overcoming anxiety

So... like I was saying 2016 not so great... I had my first  panic/anxiety attack on the way to work on Friday and was literally debilitated by it. Good thing I pulled over and was able to get some sound advice from a co-worker and tried my best to calm down. I made it and decided to solve my problem instead of running away from it.

As I have never experienced any work related anxiety at such a heightened level before I was contemplating how I was to proceed. I was miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the thought of returning to work and doing a certain task. The thoughts themselves appeared to be killing me so I know it was impossible for me to engage in said task in a professional manner. I also really didn't want to do it. Doing some self talk, I told myself that I ultimately have control over this situation and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. There are options. I will present my case and see what people say. They may agree with me or they may not. If they do, great. I can proceed to going back to work with focus on my other duties. If they don't and insist I must do a certain task my option was to quit. It was as easy as that.  At that moment I felt perfectly at ease with the thought of quitting my job even though I love my work place and I loved my coworkers. I felt good that I had a way out of this. I wasn't fearful of losing my job.  It's amazing that at times of desperation, one would not fear losing ones job. I guess it's not such an important thing afterall.

However, it worked out. They agreed with me. For now, I am still working there. I don't have to participate in a certain activity and I can happily and freely go to work. That day though, even though I was told that I was alleviated of a certain duty, I was still upset. I couldn't stop crying. When I finally got myself calm and thought I was feeling fine  my body would get all tingly and then tense up on it's own with tears leaking out of my face. It was literally uncontrollable. I had to take the rest of the day off  because I coulldn't work like that. I tried to calm down but I had these attacks until late afternoon. I was at the meditation center for hours. It was peaceful and soothing there but the attacks kept coming. I was getting worried. How was I supposed to go to work the next day and the day after if I couldn't control the tensing and crying? I asked myself... "why are you still crying and upset? You solved your problem.  You should be happy." A voice within applied with an answer. It said in a very still manner "It's because you are not present."

With that I woke up. It was correct. I wasn't present. I thought I was calming down and in fact I was calming down periodically, but also in between the moments of calm my mind was flashing back to the traumatic event that started up all this anxiety. It was also fast forwarding to future events of it happening again. I was so grateful for that realization. I told myself I was fine. There is no impending threat. I am safe now. I don't have to be scared anymore. The threat is gone. After that, I felt much lighter and I left the meditation hall. I went outside and took in the fresh air. I went and bought a sandwich. I met up with a friend and had dinner at her house. With that realization I became  stronger. I was more in control. If I kept allowing my mind to reenact a freightening moment in my life, that moment could last a life time. I could be living in this world but all the time my mind would be in the past.  As long as I stayed in the now I would be free from the suffering I was making myself go through. I am pretty sure that without all the work I've been putting into recognizing my spirit and quieting my mind that I would be developing PTSD now. Of course, no one wants that. I want to be functioning and not trapped in my mind. I feel so grateful for my wonderful teachers and like minded friends that keep me on the right track. I am so grateful.

So I'm thinking with all the struggles I've had this year... maybe they are there for a reason. To push me away from the jail of my mind and acknowledge the power within... it's stronger than any thought. It's stronger than any circumstance.

Asking the Universe.

It's a scary thought that perhaps the reason why I am still single is because I've given up way too many times and far too easily when met with the challenges of being in a relationship. I've always put my hands up in defeat, and put up my offence and defense game up too fast before there was even a war. I was always getting ready to burn the bridge. Recently it occurred to me that this was my pattern and my contribution to the downfall of my relationships with others.

I am going to put the blame on my emotions. Being single is an oddly comforting state, you know where you stand, you are always emotionally safe though sometimes you may feel lonely. Perks are if you "single" the right way you can have a wonderful time.  The only person that you depend on for your happiness is yourself. And you also have little expectations from others so little disappointment follows. But let's be honest here, we all hear you need to find love in yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to be happy being single otherwise being in a relationship wont' make you happy either. I don't think that's true. I can be perfectly happy when I'm single but extremely unhappy in a relationship. I blame it on emotions. Falling for someone is like being placed on beautiful tropical island that has random storms. As a person who is used to being single, you don't have the equipment handy to deal with such storms. You don't know how to build a shelter to weather a storm and you don't even have an umbrella. Hell, you were standing there wearing shorts and it was sunshine one minute and suddenly the sky turned gray and lighting blasted through the sky and you said " oh shit... I ain't dressed for this kind of weather". That's what being in a relationship is like for me. So I run out of there with my flip flops and wait around until I'm dried off and then feel scared to go to that strange land again. I think I have a relationship phobia. My emotions, especially fear, is the greatest obstacle for me being a good partner in a relationship and I recognize that.

The greatest emotional pain I've ever experience was through a break up and the floor basically fell from beneath my feet when an unearthing fear rippled through my body. I know that my fear drove me crazy and broke the relationship. After the break up, I learned I had a wide range of emotions as I fell really deep into an emotional black hole. If one were to compare this experience to the storm analogy it was more like being swooped up into the eye of an hurricane and thinking you were going to die. The vortex of emotional technicolor engulfs and traps you. There is so much range and so many frequencies to emotions. They can be so intense and they can be so eye opening. They can make you fight so hard for your previous calm life. You have to fight hard against your own mind to stay afloat, to go to work and just to make it through any daily activity. I felt so pathetic for even being there but I learned how human I was and what the human experience was like. Emotional suffering was terrible.  I understand how pain is the catayst to enlightment. I mean, what other choice do you have. Either break through or die. When I broke through, which took nearly half a year, I was so grateful and I never wanted to go there again. Since then, I have to admit, I've never felt that same amount of pain. In fact, when a relationship falls apart, it still hurt, but with each break up I became more and more numb. I thought that meant that I had learned from my past and I hadn't let my emotions take control in subsequent relationships but now I see what it truly is instead... mind numbing fear and intentional sabotage to relieve myself from a relationship that spells impending doom.  My friend Dickson said we are all damaged goods. It's true. Now I know how people can go through life numb to horrible things. You just shut that part of your body off. We'd rather not feel? But I am an emotional and loving person. I want to feel, just not the bad things. I've been single for a year now and I miss being in a relationship. I want to start looking again. I also want to stop jumping off the ship when things get rough.

I am asking the Universe for yet another opportunity at love and to give me the strength to do my part of being a conscious and equal partner. I wish for myself to be understanding to my own emotions and recognize their purpose of protectiveness and say thank you but at the same time I wish to be released from the emotional pain of my past that holds me back from being able to love. I also wish to be a kind and compassion companion.

Writing this tonight is due to the fact that I recognize the dark hole from my past was a life changing moment. I learned a lot and I grew a lot. I also numbed a lot. I am grateful for learning more about myself and I hope to change it and have the opportunity to be a good partner to someone else soon.

My practice of direct gratitude. A glimpse into the many grateful moments I had this weekend.

This Friday was a mess but what I can say about Friday is that it will not have a hold on me. Moving along, I had a fantastic weekend. Saturday started with the Vaisahki Festival in Vancouver and I went with some friends to enjoy some culture and food. So many people were there and it was a big celebration of giving and sharing abundance. If you don’t know what Vaisahki is, it is a Sikh tradition where they celebrate giving and helping the community. There so many stalls open between two main streets. Families gathered to serve the crowds with free vegetarian food. There was music and there was dancing. Near the end there was a parade as well. People of every race and religion were there. I feel so lucky to live in such a diverse city where people of many different religions can harmoniously exist and can all be celebrated. I also feel grateful that the Sihk community is always open to people everywhere to celebrate and learn about their culture. Learning is great! You could tell that love was in the air.

The great day continued into the evening because I went to An Evening with Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart Tolle a great spiritual teacher. In fact, he was my first spiritual teacher and I always end up turning to his books when I need guidance the most. It was an exciting opportunity to be able to hear him speak. It was a two hour talk where Eckhart sat by himself on the stage with nothing but a chair and a small table that had a vase of flowers and a glass of water on it. I had never seen the Queen Elizabeth Theatre so bare. I guess the less distractions there were on stage the more we were able to be present and listen to him. He had his standard khakis, shirt and vest on and talked for the entire two hours. His main message was to remind us that it was in our hands to change the world by opening our eyes. It was up to us to stop the negative thoughts that precede suffering, pain and violence and to start helping and caring for one another instead. He wanted us to see each other as pieces of ourselves and also as connected pieces of the fabric of the Universe. I was taking notes on the points that were especially thought provoking or inspiring. My top three are:

1) How do we know that the Universe is conscious? We know because we are conscious and that we are part of the Universe. As the Universe’s energy is manifested in many different forms, such as a rock or color, the Universe has manifested it’s own consciousness and awareness through the human mind. We are aware that we exist. We are aware that we are alive. We can perceive the many different forms of the Universe around us. I think that is a breathe taking thought.

2) When we face challenges, do no resist them. Instead accept them as part of the evolution of our consciousness. Be grateful for them. Thank them. Practice this process of evolution with the big and the small challenges. Don’t argue with the “isness” of the moment. Just allow it to be.

3) Gratitude and gratefulness should not always be external. You shouldn’t just be grateful for what you have. We should practice direct gratitude in the present moment by appreciating what is. Appreciating the beauty around us by giving it attention and to notice it’s essential aliveness.

Today I practiced such a thing. I had a wonderful day with friends exploring the Cleavland Dam on the North Shore. I stopped and stared and tried to give my surroundings attention. I tried to feel the aliveness of nature. That is easy in a place like a forest. However, it was when I got home that I felt a stronger connection while sitting alone in my backyard. I guess having a goal at the Cleavland Dam made it harder to really let go of the thoughts. I got home I sat in my backyard without my phone and was enjoying my dinner. I wasn’t intending to notice anything and I had no goals at the moment to pay attention to anything in particular. In that moment I was just looking around and then I noticed a crow. The crow was staring at me and I was wondering if it was hungry. I had some steak fat on my plate so I threw a chunk towards it. It hobbled by and picked it up ever so cautiously and watchful in case I were to make a move. He flew away but came back, eyeing me. I continued to chuck food towards it and it continued to collect food while looking rather anxious. I was trying paying close attention to his behaviour and gestures as they seemed quite meaningful. He wasn’t sure of me but he wanted to eat. He was a little scared. He perched far enough away so it was safe but he stuck around while cleaning it’s beak incase I was feeling more generous. Then I noticed the most amazing thing. As it was “cleaning it’s beak” on the wooden fence a noise was also forming out of it’s beak. It was a mild and soft sound. Not so much a chirp but like a bubble popping, almost like a burp but seemingly intentional. It was such a minute thing but such a revelation. I never knew crows made any other sound than the loud and rhythmic cawing. I realized I knew nothing about them and never noticed much about them except for when they would huddle in large groups and look scary and maybe swoop down towards my head in the Spring. But I felt it’s delicate nature tonight. Intrigued, I started feeding it some corn chips and also learned that crows like to stash their food. This little crow took my Tostitos and buried them around my backyard and my neighbor’s yard too, cleverly I might add, by covering up the pieces with dead grass. I love noticing this world around me. It has many mysteries and many stories that are not so apparent at first glance. You’d think that being in my mid thirties I would have noticed a common city crow’s delicate sounds and hoarding behaviour but no… not until today. Took 36 years to push away useless thoughts on a Sunday night in order for me to open up my awareness briefly enough to notice this. It’s like Alice through the looking glass. The funniest thing is that you don’t even need to drive into the mountains to connect with nature or to let go of thoughts. Apparently, you can even do it in the city or maybe just anywhere as long as your cell phone is far far away.

We only see the very surface of it. If we are only seeing the very obvious things in front of us and missing all the little nuances and tenderness of life what are we missing? If I had only noticed the beauty of a crow today, I wonder how many times I missed the beauty of a person, the moon or tree even if I was staring directly at it. I don’t want to be blind anymore. Is that what we are doing with our emotional and social experiences, only touching the surface? I guess we all have to pay a little more attention to see the true beauty of things.

Night rambles

I was doing so well with meditation for a while but it appears I've forgotten how or I've lost the connection. I guess I need to go to Bodhi in order to continue my practice at home. Without,  the discipline falls to the wayside. Now I know why the 3 jewels are the center of Buddhist practice. The 3 jewels are... the Buddha. .. Dharma. .. and sangha. One needs an example to look up to hence the Buddha. One also needs some rules of engagement and moral codes which is the dharma. Last, one needs the community of believers that keep you on the same path when you stray, those that are walking the same path as you... that is the sangha. It all makes sense now.

Though im not meditating Eckart Tolle has been on my playlist frequently. He says to listen to the silence, the unmanifested. He says to pay attention to the space between objects just as we are to attend to who we truely are which is the spiritual essence between our mind constructs.

As I am having a hard time sleeping and it's a quiet night I will tend to the quiet and the space... the gap before a thought and see what it's all about.  If there are any revelations I'll take note.