How does missing someone serve you?

What does it feel like to miss a ghost? A ghost is nothing more than an image and a memory, or a symbol that lives in your mind. Missing it does not make it real. Missing it does not bring it to life. Missing something that's not there only makes you suffer. It may be a mild suffering, or a suffering so wide that you fall in and can't get out... but the only thing we get from missing something is suffering. So why have we been wired to miss things that don't exist yet... or miss something we once had. If you continue to miss this or miss that... you are really just missing out on a moment that can otherwise be great.

In the case of romantic love, I've been told it's based on chemicals. It's a chemical withdrawal from the absence of love. We miss it only because we are hooked on this high that comes from a deep connection with someone else. They always say... you don't miss the person... you miss being in a relationship. Another one is... time heals all.  Apparently, with time you lose the dependence and become yourself again. Back to yourself again...that's an interesting statement... as every moment we change...we can never go back to who we once were, yet that is what we are told. I am not even the same person I was 2 minutes ago. How can anyone go back to who they were before when they met someone that had changed their life experiences? You can't wipe it all out.  Personally, I know you don't always forget someone and you can still miss someone even after a considerable amount of time passes. It's not always just a fear of being alone. However, with time, you either let it keep bothering you or you gotta let it slide. You just give up on letting that feeling of missing someone matter. The feeling of missing that person becomes a passing thought and nothing more. I don't think time heals all. I think time just wears you down. Like a brand new mountain, it's sharp and jagged but with time... even the sharpest ridges smooth right down. The resistance is what makes everything so much harder. But still... why?

In the case of missing someone who has passed away... sometimes I think that's easier because you know they are really gone. They are probably someone you love, someone who was important to you, and someone who didn't hurt you, or they could be the opposite. Missing them still hurts but the closure is in the death itself. You know you will never bump into them. You know they can't come back and spend time with you. There is a real finality there. It makes more sense that missing them hurts, but could hurts less. It still serves no purpose as it creates such great suffering but it makes sense. They are really gone. I have lost only a few loves in my life. My greatest lost love is my grandfather. When I think of him sometimes I still get a slight teary eyed... he died when I was 16... that's nearly 20 years ago and my mind is still so attached I can't think of him without an emotional reaction. There are those who have lost children, their life partner, their parents...and the loss is great. The loss is inconceivable. But why must we suffer so much along with the loss?

I guess my real question is... How do these emotions serve us? If we are a formula designed to outlive and outsmart the rest, to survive, and to move on, why would our brains collect and hold ghosts that haunt us. Why would we be held hostage by emotions? Why do we have a brain that limits our ability to live in the moment?

I mean negative emotions are not always a black hole you can't escape. With maturity and having enough experiences in life those emotions are often what drives people to change. It teaches you to be compassionate. They drive you to help others. They tap into a well within hat you were unaware of before...the shared well of the human experience. Joy and suffering...things we all feel... all in the same well. It can create great growth and change.  But that's not the case with everyone. Many are held hostage by their fear, anxiety, and sadness. They have no tools to break free. In dark times dark emotions take over and they can hardly see the light. Why do we have this powerful tool developed by evolution that serves to create all we know today and also debilitate us all with just one thought? I don't know...

With a blink of an eye your world can turn upside down.  What you thought was once there is now not. What you thought was reality, is now just history. The world can be unknown and scary...or it can be a journey that is exciting and new with every step...


I guess... try not to take your moments for granted.

Mindful March

March is here, and I'm a little late in posting. This month is Mindful March. I like where this trend is going. It is a good way to remind people to stop and ground themselves in the moment. It's time to pay attention. It won't be that hard. The beauty of spring is in Vancouver. Currently, it's spring break for me. I have already enjoyed 1 week of holidays on vacation in the Yukon, Northern Canada. I went to Whitehorse to enjoy some winter activities and hoping to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. No such luck. I still had a great time though. I went ice fishing, dog sledding and it snowed like no tomorrow there. I also went up to the Alaska for a short visit in the tourist town of Skagway. It's a port for a lot of cruise ships. It was low season, so the town was dead. Luckily there was a restaurant open. We had a snack and went back on the road for the 3 hour drive back to Whitehorse.

It was an interesting trip. We had a lot of new experiences there.

I will post some photos when I get around to it.

So this idea of Mindfulness March got passed down to me from my dear friend Michelle who tagged me in an Instagram photo that was posted by Mala Collective. Mala Collective is a Vancouver based Mala retailer. They have come up with a list of mindful goals for people to engage in for the week. Yesterdays was a mindful meal. Today is a mindful moment of bliss. I sat down for a moment at a coffee shop and thought about that today. A mindful meal is something I can understand.  You sit down, look and smell your food. You taste every bite. You show gratitude and love towards the food and yourself, and those that made it for you and got it to your plate. A mindful moment of bliss is harder. How do you just find a moment to capture bliss? Bliss is a very unique feeling. It doesn't come around all the time. Most of the time when you feel bliss it's a surprise. It also comes and then recedes. When you are feeling blissful do you want to waste that moment and pull the phone and take a picture? Maybe right after you capture it, it will be gone.  I took a picture of a peaceful moment instead. Peaceful moments are easy to find. In any situation you can find peace if you quiet your mind down. If you look at whats around you it's easy to feel peaceful. Bliss... that's a hard one. I will need to find a way to get there. To find it for myself. Whenever I've experienced bliss it was a shared emotion with someone else.

I haven't been writing in my blog that often because, for one, I had forgotten my password for a while. I also met someone new and was spending some time with them. Recently, we have separated and moved on to new chapters in our lives. I read my previous post on being single and I have some more thoughts on that now. Romantic experiences teach you a lot about life.  Most importantly it teaches you to move on with it.  Being involved in a romantic connection is a great feeling but it always comes with risks. It comes with the risks of being vulnerable and being hurt. It comes with the realization that someone you like and care might not be the right one for you even if you want them to be. So then what? When two sides can't overcome hurdles then you let that go and move one. I always wonder so much pain must come out of so much happiness? But now I realize it's part of the process. Joy and pain come from the same place. You can't have one without the other. If you don't to experience pain with someone or from someone, then don't engage in joyful experiences with them. Connections create disconnect. Caring creates hurt. It's two sides of the same coin. Success comes with failure. I'm going to work hard this month on being Mindful of this new experience and see it for what it is and let it be. I want to be grateful for the good times and to understand and accept the pain. I am also going to do daily practices of mindfulness so I can appreciate more of what's here and now. I don't want to miss those little moments that can be astounding just because I wasn't paying attention.

There was a poster I saw on Instagram that said something like this... if you had a bank account that gets a deposit of 1,000 dollars everyday but whatever is remaining is gone by midnight...would you withdrawal all of it each day or loose some of it everyday? The logical answer is to withdrawal daily, because if you don't it's gone. Too late, bye bye. Everyday is like that with time. Spend the time on what you want...find out what is at the root of your happiness.Then spend your time make the world a better place by making yourself a happier person.

Mindful March came to me at a very needed time. I am so grateful.

Sunday morning giggles

When the going gets tough I will remember this. 

Heehee. So there is always something to be grateful for. 

Rainy Friday evening: The ramblings of a 30 something single woman.

Today is my parents 40th anniversary. In times like these that's a big deal. It's a great achievement. We celebrated with a home cooked dinner. Nothing too special, but we did have a unique kind of food that my mom made just for tonight. After all these years their love was still worth celebrating. Though when  I am around them love is not the first thing that is evident. It is there, I guess, in the commitment they give to one another, the things they do for each other and the life they share together as two separate people. They tolerate one another. They work through problems together. However, there is no hand holding, no kissing,  nor any tender moments. BUT my mom did make this special dish... maybe that is her way of showing her love. My dad ate it, maybe that's his way.  This is what love looks like at 40 years for some people. For others it looks different. It's such an important thing. It's something we all need and something I think we all want. Yet between two people, it's defined so uniquely there is probably no same exact definition.

I feel a little numb when I think of this sometimes. I guess because I'm single I feel like I've lost my belief in the reliability of romantic love. True love also seems like something so far away I can't even tell if it's real. All romantic love in my life has proven to be an illusion but one that leaves you striped in some way. It's like when a storm comes and blows all the leaves off a tree. The tree looks different. The ground is a mess. You go around with a rake and rake everything into little piles and when you aren't looking a kid comes by and kicks up a pile... or a wind gently blows and there goes another... You are always tending to those leaves. You can cover the piles up with garbage bags, you can guard those leaves with your life but something will come along and stir things up and you will constantly be cleaning up messes that you thought were done with. You get really good at picking up a rake though. You start watching out for that kid with a stringent eye. But in some ways you become the grumpy old lady that is hovering around her pile of leaves with a rake all day long. You are too busy raking leaves to take time to prune and fertilize the tree... 

Personal experience...Right now, dating and meeting people feels like walking through a land mine. I really love meeting new people and spending time getting to know others. But sometimes that's as far as it goes and you've had an entertaining date or two. It's too weird to stay friends so you move on. Sometimes it's not so entertaining. Then you just go your separate ways. You never know what you are going to get. You might find someone attractive but they don't feel the same or vice versa. They may not be ready for a relationship but attempt to anyway...   Someone you thought you'd click with creates no heart sparks at all.  Sometimes you meet someone wonderful but you know it's not the right match for some reason. There are so many risks involved with dating...all which include feelings of dread, disappointment, sadness, wanting, fear...etc... But I  remind myself I must take things one step at a time. I learned that in this journey and in every relationship I have encountered I have insecurities lurking around dark corners waiting to be discovered. I run into obstacles that really tests my limits of tolerance.  The journey of finding love really puts you in sticky situations in order to make you see yourself. It's not an easy journey but you grow from it. The self doubt will always come in and out... until the force of love teaches you to love yourself. Loving yourself and putting your needs before others is actually a really important thing when you are dating. It keeps you on the right track especially when tempting prospects come around and try to steer you off course. Can you love yourself to walk away from situations and people that are clearly not right for you? Recently, I have learned about boundaries more than anything else. I value that lesson very much. Though I am also learning that rigid boundaries bring with it incredible fear. That is also something I must be extremely careful about. I don't want my fears to rule my dating life.

In reality, love is everywhere around me. Love is what you do for yourself. Love is what you do for others. Love is a choice beyond anything else. Just like today, there is love there right before me and it has been maintained over 40 years. It just looks different from what I think love looks like, or the kind I'm looking for. I'm still looking for a love that doesn't get boring, and one that doesn't hurt. A love that seems unconditional. To me, sometimes "love" only looks like tolerating someone else but there is a lot of commitment and choice involved in tolerating someone else. Maybe that force that allows you to tolerate someone else forever is true love. I often think of a fantasy love. I wish to hold hands with my partner until we our last days together.  I wish that we will always explore new things and have fun even when our bones are too weak to move for long distances. I wish to be with someone that I can laugh with and can see the world with new eyes with even when our eyes can hardly see. I wish for a love where even on the coldest and darkest days we still be there for each other unquestionably. Maybe there is a love like that or at least one that is mostly like that because there will always be ups and downs. It really sounds like a fantastical kind of love life.  Maybe that is what we are supposed to find out about in life. Find our kind of love and make it happen in this world? Or maybe find out what love really is rather than just live in our fantasies? What is love to you? It seems like a very hard question to answer when in fact it should be very easy. 

Maybe it's this groggy weather making me think. I just feel kinda pensive.I went on a couple of dates this week and I'm starting to feel fearful that what I want does not exist anymore. I say any more because at one point in my life I believed wholeheartedly that it was here. I guess I feel confused and a little bit worried about being able to navigate any kind of romantic relationship without it ending up an emotional disaster. I know I'm fearful of relationships now. But they say you receive in life what you give. My energy in this segment of my life is not generating the best feelings. I must stay hopeful that someone is out there looking for me and the same things I want.  If I exist so must he right? We just gotta find one another. In the meantime, I will walk through this land mine to get to my destination.

Wish me luck people. 

Love this encouraging horoscope. Will refer to it for all things in need of encouragement. 

Modern Fort

I have a friend who has opened a new online store based in Vancouver and it sells awareness and spreads compassion. It's called Modern Fort. It is so inspiring. At the end of the day, you can make all sort of mistakes, you can have a bad hair day, you could have the worst circumstances happen around you but you can also still make a difference.

How can you make a difference today? Give something to someone today, no matter how small and tomorrow give a little more. Keep giving until it's all you know and it's all other people know how to do. Giving is addictive and it's infectious as it creates a community.

http://modernfort.com/blogs/news/18636031-video-community-care-packages-for-single-parents

Click on the link and be inspired. There are some people out there changing this world in big ways. If you can't do that right now, start small. You'll get there. And if there is nothing you can think of to do, go buy a t-shirt from them because you will be contributing to this huge rolling stone that's marking a new path.

Grateful for today.

I've been working hard on my goals in life. One of which is  act through love and think with love always. Make good choices and set my intentions. I have also meditated for the last two nights before bed and my mind is much more clear before I sleep. I try to pay attention to the little space between my inhaling and exhaling. Apparently you learn a lot in that little space. It is a disciplined task but I'm glad I have put it in my journey.

Today has been a particularly good day but I think it had more to do with my attitude than anything. I tried to smile and laugh during situations. Instead of dwelling and worrying when problems arose I tried to think of how I could make a little difference. When I got something from someone today I felt more grateful. At the end of the day  had more energy to give to my family and I tried to show them my appreciation. I feel it was a positive day. I did not make it to the gym but my heart told me to stay home, drink decaf coffee and eat a piece of chocolate while catching up on some reading. It was a good choice. I also decided that everyday I will write a couple of entries in a gratefulness journal before bed time. Today I have plenty of things to be grateful for.

1. Got a good nights sleep
2. Was busy and super productive at work.
3. Got a beautiful gift today.
4. Made several good connections today.
5. Got a call from an unexpected person and had a nice conversation.
6. Thought I had no more decaf nespresso pods left but turns out I had one more!!!
7. Spent some time with my family and listened to them.
8. Laughed a lot.
9. Was going to do something mean, but stopped myself.
10. Right now, being comfy in my bed and ready for a book.
11. Found out about something kinda sad, but offered and gave assistance.
12. Felt at peace with a situation.
13. Made a good connection with a student that I often struggle connecting with.



Today life feels extremely fulfilling.

I realize we cannot control all the situations in life with intentions. Things happen. There are good times and bad times. However, I deeply want to face all those situations with as much positive force as I can. You can make any situation better. Like I teach my students... in every situation you have two choices... a good choice...and a bad choice. In every situation you can also generate a good feeling or a bad feeling. I don't want to dwell on the negative. So when there are rough days ahead I will try and to remember how one ordinary day became a bit more than that. May peace be with you all.

Thank you 2014!

Impermanence has become an encompassing reality for me. It has placed itself at the seat of my heart and now has a home that has been well established over the last couple of years. It reminds me in every situation of sadness and pain, love and joy that this will come and go. Don't get use to it.  The good stuff comes and it goes. The bad stuff comes and it goes. There is an ending in everything. Regardless of the situation, everything we experience in life are the ingredients to a richer soul, gives us sprinkles of more compassion and steers us towards the path we are meant to be on.  We will be celebrating change by celebrating a new year tonight. So in some way, celebrating new year is celebrating impermanence. Change is good, it brings good things and we get to start over again as a new person, new goals and new life.  Before this calendar marker of change I'd like to take some time to thank 2014 for all the amazing experiences I've have, all the joy and pain I've felt and all the love I gave and received. 

2014 thank you for giving me a family that is supportive and loving. I witness acts of love everyday and am lucky to be on the receiving end of this love daily. Thank you for my nieces that give me a reason to be a better human being. Thanks to my friends that stay by my side whether I am crying or if we are exploring a dark cave together. This year I've experienced so many adventures. Thank you for all the  mountain air, the quiet stillness of a cave, and the beauty of a desert canyon. Thank you bringing out the nature loving freak in me. Thank you for the mornings sitting on a rock, watching the ocean waves come in.  Thank you for my first adventures in shrimping and crabbing! Thank you to Manning Park. Thank you Whiskey Jacks for an unforgettable moment with my Andrea.  Thank you for every breath I took on the summits I looked down from this summer. Thank you to my body that has taken me on these adventures mostly unharmed and exhilarated. Thank you for everyone I've shared these experiences with. Thank you for everyone I had a belly aching laugh with. Thanks for letting me in your lives and sharing all those moments together. Thank you for all the micro-brewery laughs. Thank you for the inspiring people I know and respect that strive to make change in the world. Their hard work and dedication is a gift to me because it makes me work harder and give more. Thank you for all the obstacles the Universe has placed before me. Before I would have thought they were an irritation, now I know they are there FOR me. Thank you so much! Thank you for alone time where I was able to dig up old hidden loves. Thank you for all the modern day luxuries I have like electricity, tap water, a soft mattress, social media, my car, and everything that I use everyday that I hardly think about as it seems so normal to have. I know that we are the lucky ones and I am really grateful. thank you to all the people in the world who's daily actions trickle down to me having a cup of coffee. I don't think you know all that you do for all us who love coffee! Thanks to all the blogs I read out there for all the inspiration you've given me. Thanks for freedom of speech. 

Happy New Year!