A painful release

This year has been a series of endless lessons. We are into June... and this may be the most difficult month yet. In any case, I hope it's the hardest and we can move forward now into a time of great joyful abundance. I wish for peace, and happiness. I wish for love, adventure and a safe place for everyone. I wish for a harmonious life for every human being on this planet.

Today I am blogging with my deepest sincerity and heart felt pain. This blog is my platform for the confused webbing of my thoughts and emotions. It's where I release it all.  This is a part of the Universe. It listens. It grants wishes. I whisper my wishes with the stillness in my being. I am still right now.

This weekend is the weekend of epic tragedy in Orlando. When they say bad things come in 3's it was not just a saying for those in Orlando. The death of the Voice star.... 49 dead and more injured in a night club... and the 2 year old boy who was taken by an alligator... All in one small region of this world will probably go down in history. All this suffering makes no sense. At least it makes no sense to me. To someone else in this world this is a cause for celebration. For another, it's an indifferent series of circumstances.  Some react in anger and disgust. Some react with tears and heartache. We are one human race but we are not connected on this ego-plane.  Somehow we have cut ourselves off from our brothers and sisters.

In BC, there are no forest fires, but massive flooding in the north east. In the rest of the world, the must be more natural disasters. Every year the weather gets more extreme. Maybe we are just waking up to the terrible nature of tragic circumstances the rest of the world is now used to. In the West we have been protected and so lucky that many freedoms of culture and lifestyle are granted and are of debate when elsewhere in the world there is no tolerance.  In general, even with disagreement, we are living in harmony. Sometimes I feel like we are District 1. We are the lucky and unknowningly spoiled. We think that there are injustices in our daily lives but it's only because we have nothing close enough to compare it to. Now, everyday, we know a little of global pain. We need to unite as a world. No more violence. No more pain.


In my own little niche of life, there is deep sadness. This Monday, my dear friend lost her son due to gang violence. Such unnecessary death. Such unnecessary pain. What are we fighting for? The media and social media is not the most compassionate in times like these. People make bad choices in life. We all have. People cause suffering. We all do. When all is done can't we turn to the side of compassion? A life is lost. There is humanity in every life. In every human life, there are moments of compassion and love. In every human life there is some softness. In every human life there is also great suffering. Now his family suffers. His mother suffers. She suffers silently because the world points fingers.

I love my friend dearly and my heart aches for her. Losing a child must be the worst loss there can be. That must be the greatest pain in the world. I know she is in pain but how much is something I will never be able to relate to. I will never be able to help her fill the hole this has left in her. My heart aches and hurts for her. Daily, I weep a little and I think her eyes must be stinging in pain from the many tears she's already wept. Her heart must beating as irregularly as the emotional wave that rush in and fade out of her body. She told me she had seen him days before his death. She didn't know that was the last day she would see him again. We take so many things for granted. We just assume things will be the way they have always been. Everyday however, we are reminded that it's not. We are the lucky ones at this moment. If we wake up tomorrow and our world is largely the same we are lucky. We should drop to our knees in gratitude. Everyday... we should do that.

My heart aches for her and her family.

My greatest comfort, for myself, is my belief that we are all beings of energy. This was just one life time. He will never truly be gone. And that goes for all of us. If we make a couple of mistakes here on our this journey we can try again later. We keep coming back. Life continues but just in different forms. Never have I believed in anything more. As this world becomes more uncertain I have more faith in my own beliefs of what we are and where we come from. I also believe more in what we need to accomplish.

RIP CH.

Another post about a difficult year

Lately my posts are so repetitive. 2016 has been a shitty year. Life is so unpredictable... blah blah blah. And that is very true. 2016 has been truly a more challenging year so far.

Let's list some of the challenges.
1) Difficulty at work began end of 2015 and into 2016
2) Had to delete some people from my life
3) Had a bought of digestive issues
4) Illness in family
5) Got injured at work 2x
6) Got supeoned to go to court
7)  and was forced by work to do something I really didn't want to do...

Life in general...around me
1) a handful my friends in education are having some anxiety issues with work...including myself.
2) some broken long term relationships
3) Trump being the candidate for Republican Party
4) Forest fires running rampant throughout Canada

That's the tone of the year... and it's continuing that way. I thought this must be the ripening of negative karma from the past. Or something is going on that I just don't understand because I had it good... I really did for many years running. Every year was getting better and that was my expectation for this year too. Every year I had more enriching experiences. I guess, I really dont' know, these trials i'm experiencing now may be some of the most enriching in my life after some perspective. In the end there are only two ways to approach these situations. 1) fixate on them and make life all about the negativity I see around me...or 2) fix what I see around me in whichever way I can by making changes....  and also trying to learn something from it.

So...here is the good of 2016... let's not just focus on the bad stuff.

1) At some point in the beginning of the year I remembered how much I loved my job that involves working with children with autism with intense behaviours.
2) I appreciated my coworkers more than any other time before in my life
3) I was very grateful to have practice and use meditation more consistently
4) Bodhi meditation Center was always available to me
5) Beautiful weather
6) Snowshoeing in Whistler.
7) Tubing in whistler
8) Went to Utah with Elaine in March. Saw the beautiful Arches. Experienced Zion. Had a wonderful time.
9) Visited my grandfather. Happily surprised and relieved that he was recovering well and was eating. Getting stronger everyday.
10) Will be going camping for the first time.
11) Every time I could have been seriously injured I was protected.
12) My mechanic was able to track down some recipts for my taxes.
13) I saw a hummingbird
14) lots of art and painting.
15) Saw Eckart Tolle.

There must be more i'm not remembering...



One thing is for sure... I learned a lot in this short time. I learned to appreciate time off. I learned to be grateful for the simple things I have because if I choose to be dissatisfied with life, life will show me how lucky I was. I learned to not let things control me completely... to solve problems rather than to be afraid of situations. I learned that even if you had to do something hard, in the spare moments when you are not doing that hard thing, you need to live your life as full as you can. Most of all, give what you can and help and love and be happy.  Life is ever so fragile and ever so precious. We can all go tomorrow. So today make it worthwhile.

A story of overcoming anxiety

So... like I was saying 2016 not so great... I had my first  panic/anxiety attack on the way to work on Friday and was literally debilitated by it. Good thing I pulled over and was able to get some sound advice from a co-worker and tried my best to calm down. I made it and decided to solve my problem instead of running away from it.

As I have never experienced any work related anxiety at such a heightened level before I was contemplating how I was to proceed. I was miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the thought of returning to work and doing a certain task. The thoughts themselves appeared to be killing me so I know it was impossible for me to engage in said task in a professional manner. I also really didn't want to do it. Doing some self talk, I told myself that I ultimately have control over this situation and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. There are options. I will present my case and see what people say. They may agree with me or they may not. If they do, great. I can proceed to going back to work with focus on my other duties. If they don't and insist I must do a certain task my option was to quit. It was as easy as that.  At that moment I felt perfectly at ease with the thought of quitting my job even though I love my work place and I loved my coworkers. I felt good that I had a way out of this. I wasn't fearful of losing my job.  It's amazing that at times of desperation, one would not fear losing ones job. I guess it's not such an important thing afterall.

However, it worked out. They agreed with me. For now, I am still working there. I don't have to participate in a certain activity and I can happily and freely go to work. That day though, even though I was told that I was alleviated of a certain duty, I was still upset. I couldn't stop crying. When I finally got myself calm and thought I was feeling fine  my body would get all tingly and then tense up on it's own with tears leaking out of my face. It was literally uncontrollable. I had to take the rest of the day off  because I coulldn't work like that. I tried to calm down but I had these attacks until late afternoon. I was at the meditation center for hours. It was peaceful and soothing there but the attacks kept coming. I was getting worried. How was I supposed to go to work the next day and the day after if I couldn't control the tensing and crying? I asked myself... "why are you still crying and upset? You solved your problem.  You should be happy." A voice within applied with an answer. It said in a very still manner "It's because you are not present."

With that I woke up. It was correct. I wasn't present. I thought I was calming down and in fact I was calming down periodically, but also in between the moments of calm my mind was flashing back to the traumatic event that started up all this anxiety. It was also fast forwarding to future events of it happening again. I was so grateful for that realization. I told myself I was fine. There is no impending threat. I am safe now. I don't have to be scared anymore. The threat is gone. After that, I felt much lighter and I left the meditation hall. I went outside and took in the fresh air. I went and bought a sandwich. I met up with a friend and had dinner at her house. With that realization I became  stronger. I was more in control. If I kept allowing my mind to reenact a freightening moment in my life, that moment could last a life time. I could be living in this world but all the time my mind would be in the past.  As long as I stayed in the now I would be free from the suffering I was making myself go through. I am pretty sure that without all the work I've been putting into recognizing my spirit and quieting my mind that I would be developing PTSD now. Of course, no one wants that. I want to be functioning and not trapped in my mind. I feel so grateful for my wonderful teachers and like minded friends that keep me on the right track. I am so grateful.

So I'm thinking with all the struggles I've had this year... maybe they are there for a reason. To push me away from the jail of my mind and acknowledge the power within... it's stronger than any thought. It's stronger than any circumstance.

Asking the Universe.

It's a scary thought that perhaps the reason why I am still single is because I've given up way too many times and far too easily when met with the challenges of being in a relationship. I've always put my hands up in defeat, and put up my offence and defense game up too fast before there was even a war. I was always getting ready to burn the bridge. Recently it occurred to me that this was my pattern and my contribution to the downfall of my relationships with others.

I am going to put the blame on my emotions. Being single is an oddly comforting state, you know where you stand, you are always emotionally safe though sometimes you may feel lonely. Perks are if you "single" the right way you can have a wonderful time.  The only person that you depend on for your happiness is yourself. And you also have little expectations from others so little disappointment follows. But let's be honest here, we all hear you need to find love in yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to be happy being single otherwise being in a relationship wont' make you happy either. I don't think that's true. I can be perfectly happy when I'm single but extremely unhappy in a relationship. I blame it on emotions. Falling for someone is like being placed on beautiful tropical island that has random storms. As a person who is used to being single, you don't have the equipment handy to deal with such storms. You don't know how to build a shelter to weather a storm and you don't even have an umbrella. Hell, you were standing there wearing shorts and it was sunshine one minute and suddenly the sky turned gray and lighting blasted through the sky and you said " oh shit... I ain't dressed for this kind of weather". That's what being in a relationship is like for me. So I run out of there with my flip flops and wait around until I'm dried off and then feel scared to go to that strange land again. I think I have a relationship phobia. My emotions, especially fear, is the greatest obstacle for me being a good partner in a relationship and I recognize that.

The greatest emotional pain I've ever experience was through a break up and the floor basically fell from beneath my feet when an unearthing fear rippled through my body. I know that my fear drove me crazy and broke the relationship. After the break up, I learned I had a wide range of emotions as I fell really deep into an emotional black hole. If one were to compare this experience to the storm analogy it was more like being swooped up into the eye of an hurricane and thinking you were going to die. The vortex of emotional technicolor engulfs and traps you. There is so much range and so many frequencies to emotions. They can be so intense and they can be so eye opening. They can make you fight so hard for your previous calm life. You have to fight hard against your own mind to stay afloat, to go to work and just to make it through any daily activity. I felt so pathetic for even being there but I learned how human I was and what the human experience was like. Emotional suffering was terrible.  I understand how pain is the catayst to enlightment. I mean, what other choice do you have. Either break through or die. When I broke through, which took nearly half a year, I was so grateful and I never wanted to go there again. Since then, I have to admit, I've never felt that same amount of pain. In fact, when a relationship falls apart, it still hurt, but with each break up I became more and more numb. I thought that meant that I had learned from my past and I hadn't let my emotions take control in subsequent relationships but now I see what it truly is instead... mind numbing fear and intentional sabotage to relieve myself from a relationship that spells impending doom.  My friend Dickson said we are all damaged goods. It's true. Now I know how people can go through life numb to horrible things. You just shut that part of your body off. We'd rather not feel? But I am an emotional and loving person. I want to feel, just not the bad things. I've been single for a year now and I miss being in a relationship. I want to start looking again. I also want to stop jumping off the ship when things get rough.

I am asking the Universe for yet another opportunity at love and to give me the strength to do my part of being a conscious and equal partner. I wish for myself to be understanding to my own emotions and recognize their purpose of protectiveness and say thank you but at the same time I wish to be released from the emotional pain of my past that holds me back from being able to love. I also wish to be a kind and compassion companion.

Writing this tonight is due to the fact that I recognize the dark hole from my past was a life changing moment. I learned a lot and I grew a lot. I also numbed a lot. I am grateful for learning more about myself and I hope to change it and have the opportunity to be a good partner to someone else soon.

My practice of direct gratitude. A glimpse into the many grateful moments I had this weekend.

This Friday was a mess but what I can say about Friday is that it will not have a hold on me. Moving along, I had a fantastic weekend. Saturday started with the Vaisahki Festival in Vancouver and I went with some friends to enjoy some culture and food. So many people were there and it was a big celebration of giving and sharing abundance. If you don’t know what Vaisahki is, it is a Sikh tradition where they celebrate giving and helping the community. There so many stalls open between two main streets. Families gathered to serve the crowds with free vegetarian food. There was music and there was dancing. Near the end there was a parade as well. People of every race and religion were there. I feel so lucky to live in such a diverse city where people of many different religions can harmoniously exist and can all be celebrated. I also feel grateful that the Sihk community is always open to people everywhere to celebrate and learn about their culture. Learning is great! You could tell that love was in the air.

The great day continued into the evening because I went to An Evening with Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart Tolle a great spiritual teacher. In fact, he was my first spiritual teacher and I always end up turning to his books when I need guidance the most. It was an exciting opportunity to be able to hear him speak. It was a two hour talk where Eckhart sat by himself on the stage with nothing but a chair and a small table that had a vase of flowers and a glass of water on it. I had never seen the Queen Elizabeth Theatre so bare. I guess the less distractions there were on stage the more we were able to be present and listen to him. He had his standard khakis, shirt and vest on and talked for the entire two hours. His main message was to remind us that it was in our hands to change the world by opening our eyes. It was up to us to stop the negative thoughts that precede suffering, pain and violence and to start helping and caring for one another instead. He wanted us to see each other as pieces of ourselves and also as connected pieces of the fabric of the Universe. I was taking notes on the points that were especially thought provoking or inspiring. My top three are:

1) How do we know that the Universe is conscious? We know because we are conscious and that we are part of the Universe. As the Universe’s energy is manifested in many different forms, such as a rock or color, the Universe has manifested it’s own consciousness and awareness through the human mind. We are aware that we exist. We are aware that we are alive. We can perceive the many different forms of the Universe around us. I think that is a breathe taking thought.

2) When we face challenges, do no resist them. Instead accept them as part of the evolution of our consciousness. Be grateful for them. Thank them. Practice this process of evolution with the big and the small challenges. Don’t argue with the “isness” of the moment. Just allow it to be.

3) Gratitude and gratefulness should not always be external. You shouldn’t just be grateful for what you have. We should practice direct gratitude in the present moment by appreciating what is. Appreciating the beauty around us by giving it attention and to notice it’s essential aliveness.

Today I practiced such a thing. I had a wonderful day with friends exploring the Cleavland Dam on the North Shore. I stopped and stared and tried to give my surroundings attention. I tried to feel the aliveness of nature. That is easy in a place like a forest. However, it was when I got home that I felt a stronger connection while sitting alone in my backyard. I guess having a goal at the Cleavland Dam made it harder to really let go of the thoughts. I got home I sat in my backyard without my phone and was enjoying my dinner. I wasn’t intending to notice anything and I had no goals at the moment to pay attention to anything in particular. In that moment I was just looking around and then I noticed a crow. The crow was staring at me and I was wondering if it was hungry. I had some steak fat on my plate so I threw a chunk towards it. It hobbled by and picked it up ever so cautiously and watchful in case I were to make a move. He flew away but came back, eyeing me. I continued to chuck food towards it and it continued to collect food while looking rather anxious. I was trying paying close attention to his behaviour and gestures as they seemed quite meaningful. He wasn’t sure of me but he wanted to eat. He was a little scared. He perched far enough away so it was safe but he stuck around while cleaning it’s beak incase I was feeling more generous. Then I noticed the most amazing thing. As it was “cleaning it’s beak” on the wooden fence a noise was also forming out of it’s beak. It was a mild and soft sound. Not so much a chirp but like a bubble popping, almost like a burp but seemingly intentional. It was such a minute thing but such a revelation. I never knew crows made any other sound than the loud and rhythmic cawing. I realized I knew nothing about them and never noticed much about them except for when they would huddle in large groups and look scary and maybe swoop down towards my head in the Spring. But I felt it’s delicate nature tonight. Intrigued, I started feeding it some corn chips and also learned that crows like to stash their food. This little crow took my Tostitos and buried them around my backyard and my neighbor’s yard too, cleverly I might add, by covering up the pieces with dead grass. I love noticing this world around me. It has many mysteries and many stories that are not so apparent at first glance. You’d think that being in my mid thirties I would have noticed a common city crow’s delicate sounds and hoarding behaviour but no… not until today. Took 36 years to push away useless thoughts on a Sunday night in order for me to open up my awareness briefly enough to notice this. It’s like Alice through the looking glass. The funniest thing is that you don’t even need to drive into the mountains to connect with nature or to let go of thoughts. Apparently, you can even do it in the city or maybe just anywhere as long as your cell phone is far far away.

We only see the very surface of it. If we are only seeing the very obvious things in front of us and missing all the little nuances and tenderness of life what are we missing? If I had only noticed the beauty of a crow today, I wonder how many times I missed the beauty of a person, the moon or tree even if I was staring directly at it. I don’t want to be blind anymore. Is that what we are doing with our emotional and social experiences, only touching the surface? I guess we all have to pay a little more attention to see the true beauty of things.

Night rambles

I was doing so well with meditation for a while but it appears I've forgotten how or I've lost the connection. I guess I need to go to Bodhi in order to continue my practice at home. Without,  the discipline falls to the wayside. Now I know why the 3 jewels are the center of Buddhist practice. The 3 jewels are... the Buddha. .. Dharma. .. and sangha. One needs an example to look up to hence the Buddha. One also needs some rules of engagement and moral codes which is the dharma. Last, one needs the community of believers that keep you on the same path when you stray, those that are walking the same path as you... that is the sangha. It all makes sense now.

Though im not meditating Eckart Tolle has been on my playlist frequently. He says to listen to the silence, the unmanifested. He says to pay attention to the space between objects just as we are to attend to who we truely are which is the spiritual essence between our mind constructs.

As I am having a hard time sleeping and it's a quiet night I will tend to the quiet and the space... the gap before a thought and see what it's all about.  If there are any revelations I'll take note.

A letter to myself.

2016 has been a challenge so far. It's hasn't been atrociously difficult but there have been some bumps in the road. There has been some losses, some battles, and some terribly anxious moments. They are also consistently spread out through the months. Unlike previous years, there were blocks of time where I might have been going through something but this year it feels like this it's a running theme. I am more negative this year in general. It's funny how at the very end of 2015 I spent the day on my own to celebrate the new year coming in. Spiritually, I felt I need that space and freedom around me. I thought that I would be welcoming a joyful and fruitful year because 2015 was incredible. It's very ironic or maybe the expectations were too high and naturally disappointment follows. You also never know what is around the corner. As this year has brought up some difficult circumstances and my overall general emotional state is not at it's best there has also been huge dissapointments towards at myself. I am disappointed for not being able to do more, to be more for others and to do more for myself. But I have resolved that this is a year for me to take things slow and do the best I can where I am. I will try my hardest to give but if I can't, I just can't.

Though for some perspective, there have also been great things this year and it's also only March, or near end of March. It's too soon to write the whole year off. But it's been up and down, up and down. And at times I felt despair, loneliness, frustration, desperation, sadness and fear. Lots of negative feelings. I have also felt elation, excitement, hope, accomplishment, wonder and awe. It's been so up and down for me I'm starting to wonder if I am bipolar. But I feel like what it truly happening is a crop up of emotions that I have not worked through are blossoming because circumstances have provided the fertile grounds for them to bloom and hopefully be released. 

In the past couple of years I've worked very hard on my awareness and for the most part it has only brought good things to my life. But, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I have to be happy and always positive. So when something knocks me off my feet, it's hard to get up immediately and be that person again. I've forgotten what it feels like to be sad or negative for long periods of unwavering time. Recently, I had to give into the fact that the negative feelings I have are real and I can't ignore them. They are there for a reason. How I use and interpret them is important though. The most common feelings that have been coming through recently are resentment, anger and regret and guilt. They are often directed both myself and others. I have also been feeling this is an unfair world, a world where there is no insurance you can buy to protect you from. Then I also feel disappointment from the fact that no matter how hard I try to change, I am reverting to the same person with the same reactions and same fears.  I see a side of myself I don't like.  Then I wonder which is my true self? Is my true self the one with all the emotions bubbling under the surface or is my true self that state of peace and happiness I work so hard at accomplishing? All I can say is that I am not a Buddha. It's hard for me to turn the other cheek and I can't pretend that what others do is not hurtful. Recent circumstances made me think about a person in my life that once told me they don't think people really change. At that time  I thought that people changed if they wanted to and if they took their life lessons seriously. Now I'm starting to wonder.  Maybe it's true. Maybe you can try all your life to be a particular kind of loving saint, one that never gets hurt, offended, or angry, one that always takes the high road and acts with love and compassion but it's all but a futile journey because you are human and you will fail... at least once in a while.

But now it's been a day and a half and though these thoughts crop up I am now cooling down and sitting here thinking that what someone has done to me is no different that what I have done to others in the past. So someone has hurt me, they have bruised my ego and they have crossed my personal boundaries. I can feel hurt. I can feel pain. But to be honest, I have done the same exact things to others. This is what I realized after sitting around in negativity for 1.5 days. I have done the same things to others. And did I feel bad about it? Yes. Did I want to hurt them? No. Did I know what I was doing? No. Did I feel like I had any other options at the time? No. I was just trying to make myself feel better because I was in pain. I know this world can be a dark place sometimes and we do whatever it takes to make it a warmer place for ourselves. Why do I get to sit in judgment? Whether it ends up hurting someone is not a consequence we are thinking about. I need to forgive those who have hurt me because I need to forgive myself and I need to replace it with understanding and compassion. We are all human. We don't always do the right things. In fact, we often do the wrong things. Nothing makes me immune from being on the other side. What comes around goes around. We call that Karma.  I deserve to be loved, to be respected and to be treated fairly as does anyone else but I also deserve compassion when I am making desperate choices and so does someone else.  Afterall, those choices come from a dark place where there is no light. Sometimes it feels like there is no other choice. Like The Arcade Fire said "we are just a million little gods causing rain storms, turning every good thing to rust. That's why we just have to adjust." Something like that...

I was getting pretty down and out and hating the world for a hot minute and looking for validation of my negative feelings from outside myself. I wanted a harem of anger. I wanted a revolution but I am no Hilter. I can't gather a crowd of hate. All my friends are also extremely spiritual and have worked hard on their own demons. My demons weren't going to drag them down. And even if I had my crowd of hate it would help little. It would just stoke a fire and when the fire burnt out the pain would still be there. Sometimes you just need to sit with yourself and let the feelings pass. We are all guilty of something. We have all been unkind, selfish, and hurt others intentionally and unintentionally in the past. This is the way the world goes around. The cycle of pain has to stop within myself first before i expect it of others. There is so much negativity in the world that if I dived into this ocean I would never get out.  I found some online posters about depression and man are they accurate. They truly reflect the hurt. I had gone through a painful journey many years ago and remember the numbness I felt.  I felt like I was an alien in this world. I couldn't smile genuinely, I couldn't pay attention to conversations, I couldn't laugh with my friends without really faking it. It was a rough time. It's hard to be an imposter. I was stuck in my mind and I couldn't leave the past alone. Though I'm past that dark place it will always be a part of me now and I will fall down that pit again.  But I can't live in that hole for very long because I built myself ladders and I left a flashlight down there because I desperately learned my own way out. Today for a hot minute I felt like I was there again and then, snap yo' fingers,  I came out. I am so grateful for that.  The fact that I am here now in a state of peace is a sign that I have grown from all these lessons.  The old stories are lessons, but not every story is the same but still the shadows cast far and wide. We need to walk away from the past as it may serve to teach you lessons you but if you take those lessons literally they can hurt you. I am hoping that writing out this story has opened up room in my heart so I can let it go. I don't want to be angry or hurt anymore. And I don't want to continue this cycle of throwing daggers and pain down the time space continuum. Maybe, for once, this  pain will teach me to do things differently, rather than just think differently, act differently to save myself and others from further pain.