How I am trying to find balance in times of uncertainty.

I get all my lessons from

1. Love and fear
2. My family and friends
3. My students
4. Animals
5. Nature

I need to focus on my gratitude for the above everyday.

My most influential spiritual teachers
In the order of which teachings were received.

1. Eckart Tolle
2. Jin Bodhi
3. Brene Brown
4. Deepak Chopra
5. Michael A. Singer
6. Pema Chodron

Most influential book for my creativity...
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

So when trying to find balance I think going back to the people and things that  gave me the best vehicle to get to balance is a smart thing to do. How about you?

When stressed, it doesn't help that the world is falling apart, economically and physically. Aside from global warming, we are nearing a global pandemic and economic recession. There is so much fear in the world. Personally, there has been too much on my mind that pertains to family. I've been trying to contain an outbreak in my family while ignoring the one in my mind. Instead, the problems of the world are all I focus on and see as I see them as a threat. I am very threat-heightened right now.
What is the acceptance that needs to happen here? Even if I do everything I can to keep me and my family safe the outcome will be whatever it will be. Preparedness is good but it doesn't change the inevitable. It just delays it. People get old. People get sick. Everyone will eventually die. Threats will also continue to come. As you get older, you have more to lose. I am grateful to have an abundant life which shields me from alot of negative things in this world. But no one is immune and though I dislike bad things happening in my life I know I need this. In some way... I need this to learn how to change and.. better at handling hard things that come my way.

After posting last night I read through my older posts and the most trying times in my life have been recorded on there with very little information on actual events. There are a few uplifting entries as well.  As the blog is for me and my emotional processing I know that many of those post were written in dark times. In times of saying good bye to loved ones or not being able to say good bye even. That pain never goes away and I guess when you get another chance you want to do all you can before it's too late. It's interesting how I forgot those same mental struggles I had then.

To be more open I want to share that my heart has  been breaking a lot lately. My great uncle whom I love very much had a health crisis. Yet now he is safe and in care. My great aunt is living on her own and I have to remind myself she is managing.  Though I wish things were different and that they could be together that may not be what is best. My parents are also older now and I can see their exhaustion. It's a hard place to be but everyone has moments like this in their life. And I have been asking myself lately why does this have to happen now. In a moment when visiting hospitals are the the scariest thing to do. Where staying at a hospital is risky. Where there is a virus taking over the globe that has a bad track record for the elderly. But what does that this constant thinking do? It just creates bitterness and it just victimizes you. This is just now life is right now. I can only work in the dimensions of what life is evolving in.

My sister tells me worrying does nothing. And she is often more anxious than me. She has an outbreak 15 minutes away from her home, in Kirkland. And senior home and a rehab facility, just like the kind my uncle is in. It's hard not to be scared. 50 people are suspected to be infected. No visitors are allowed. All I want is for my uncle to be released but my family says he needs to be there. If SHTF I dont want him to be alone and not with his wife. I don't want him to be in the rehab facility with no way to contact his family. In my own position, if I were that old I'd rather be with my partner and die together but I cant assume that bad things are to come.  I can only put my trust in our government and our health system. No one wants these things to happen. No one can do anything about sick people in hospitals.

Seeing people suddenly lose their gifts, memory, ability to do things for themselves and show dementia... it's hard. It's harder to not be able to help as much as one can. My parents have told me to take a step back bc I work in a school. They fear I can infect them and my uncle. I know they also dont want me to go to the hospital in fear I can get sick. Familial sacrifice is a double edge sword. I told them I would stay away for 1 week and see what develops. At the end of the day, it's risky in a school and I would not want to make him sick.

So every morning instead of watching the news updates to see what I need to do to get ready for coronavirus I will do something calming. Start the day off on a good note.

This morning I listed to some music from Bodhi Meditation. I didn't start the day with Dr. John Campbell's updates on the coronavirus. I didn't check global BC updates or the canadian websites for new data. So far I haven't gone out to hoard toilet paper. I didnt do that today and I havent done that yet. It's not like checking or buying toilet paper can stop it from coming here. Am I prepared? Yes. Is my family prepared? Yes. Is my aunt's house stocked? Yes. Is my sister prepared? Yes. Are my friends prepared? Most of them. Are we going to be ok? Who knows.

But I will be grateful today...

I am grateful for...
1. Modern science
2. The great minds of humans that can do good
3. All the love I have been given and also have to share
4. Ray... who has seen me cry so many times in a day and has learned to cope with this new phase in both our lives
5. The beautiful sunshine  we get today
6. Smiles from strangers
7. Warmer weather.

And I'll try to post a bit of gratitude everyday.

A letter to my fear.

Confession. I am suffering right now. Everyday I feel like I am suffering more and more. There are days where I pat my own back and tell myself I've done a great job and the next moment I feel defeated. I try to make this a softer place but sometimes making a softer place for others makes life more painful for me. I feel a lot of pressure.

Sometimes I feel like I am punishing myself because I think if I do all the right things, I can fix everything. We all do that, don't we?  In my family, sacrifice is love. I've learned this behaviour too as I easily sacrifice parts of myself for others. Parents do this all the time. Partners do it too. Sacrifice is one of the highest offerings of love. I don't regret choices I make when they come from a place of love but I know now if I am not careful with my energy it can hurt me back. I just want to acknowledge sacrifice also causes pain. My pain is temporary and I will be ok. But acknowledging that pain came from my own actions was sort of an "ah ha" moment for me.

Somehow you can feel pain from doing what's right. And doing what is right doesn't mean you can stop inevitable things from happening. Sacrifice isn't actually an offering that can pay you back what you have lost. It is an action that once given and taken,  that's it! No guarantees on outcomes. Somethings will happen no matter what. Now I see my sacrifices were not just for others but were also selfish.  Sacrifice is also a way of controlling the world around you. At some point, we have to admit we can't control everything. I need to accept the changes in life, as they are the natural order of things.

Without being careful, there is a new phase in my life now that is about battling my own intrusive thoughts that seem to grow more and more each day. It's my turn to feel anxiety and fear. That is a shitty ass feeling. Feeling a lack of control is a very uncomfortable. But instead of trying to fix it I will have to learn to accept it. So I'll do what I've always done in the past. I'll write and share my thoughts. I'll share the experience of processing my emotions, the way I like to do it. Did you know that whenever I used to feel strong feelings I would type it all out? I would read what I wrote over and over again and edit.  Editing the intrusive thoughts or the negative background noise in my mind helped me focus on more proactive behaviours or just more mindful. It made me more aware of how that voice just keep telling stories when nothing was wrong in that moment. With awareness I was able to change the script sometimes or have some brief relief from listening to stories in my head.

I also use to meditate a lot and I've stopped doing that for a while. Life got pretty care free. Life was super duper. I didn't need to meditate.  Meditation is a dedication and where I loved the concept of it I hated the discipline of it. It is a thing that is frustrating to begin and difficult to master. I remember my teacher saying not to give up. He always said that we may have better things to do now, things that are more fun even but the day will come when we will need that locus of control in our mind and like everything without practice the skill goes away. And he was right. So I'll be trying to find some balance in emotion, energy and mental processing. Most importantly, I am focusing on my thoughts and feelings instead of resisting them, instead of resisting what life has recently given me. And also to stop making everything about my suffering. I need to remind myself to be grateful.

In a small moment, so many things change but the past is not meaningless. There is goodness there. There is importance in the past and the future but the now is a moment you can't say no to. So you have to be in it and try to embrace it. Life didnt do something to you. Life is just life. This is just how it is supposed to play out. In general, life moves forward for everyone. Regardless if you like the place forward is heading to. No one gets to choose every detail. These days I try to tell myself nothing makes me so special that I don't have to ever experience pain or sadness because it's true.

Those things that other people have to go through, I never understood. I would always try to help if someone was sad but it's not the same as feeling sad and out of control.  With the lack of true understanding there is always room for judgment.  That is the gift pain can give, sudden understanding. When growing anxiety comes I try to soften my body, focus on my breath and to focus on something that's in front of me but of course it doesn't always work. I will accept that there isnt always a solution that feels good. There will always be good moments and bad ones. I must rely on coping strategies. Coping strategies are things I teach to others. Now I have to teach them to myself. I don't want anyone to worry. Things are as they should be. Everything is fine because nothing is wrong. It just feels wrong to me. But life is neutral. Everything is just neutral until we give it meaning. Life isnt  fitting into the box perfectly like I wanted to but who said i get to choose.

I am just like everyone else and on that note I finally know how so many others feel. Somehow that connectedness also makes you feel a little less pained. So many people in the world are hurting just like you and they get up the next day and live their life anyway. That's just the human condition. Now I am yet again experiencing something that makes me a little more human.  That is something to be grateful for I suppose.

Writing is how I process things. Somehow editing my thoughts and posting it online feels like I've sent my new, edited thoughts and feelings into the Universe, like... hey Uni, this is the good copy, scrap that other one. So please accept this final copy.

Sunday reflections

January, 28th, 2018. Sunday

I have a lot of emotions going on. I think it has to do with my period as my hormonal timeline is often mixed with a lot of strong emotions. Often I don't know if those emotions are legitimate or not. Either way I have to endure, along with those that are closest to me, until the tidal wave falls. The major emotion I am struggling with this time is fear. Funny how fear takes over for some people and for others it just evades them. Maybe that's a wrong perception or observation. It might be more accurate to say that fear must strike everyone hard in some way or other. The only thing that is different between people is subject matter.  Anyway, at this moment in time I feel as though I'm in the fear zone.

Funny that Fear is a kind of trickster. It has this maryter like quality to it. What I mean is that it tries to deceive you sometimes. At first, I thought the fear had a stoic ground to stand on. It was not for myself but just for the ones I love dearly and closely. Fear justified my insensitivity towards them because I was just a concerned person acting on their behalf. I feared for their pain. I feared for their lack of health. I feared for their emotional safety. As I observed their patterns of behaviour repeating over time it was made aware that I had to intervene for these poor helpless souls. It was as if lines of lessons and regrets were being drawn along the sands of Memory Beach only to be washed away by the waves of indifference. Why can't they see what they are doing to themselves? I asked. Why didnt they care? Well... my fear grew deeper and greater.  I started to suffer. It was then that I realized this fear was not for them. It was a fear for me. I encased my fear with glitter and gold to make it appear like it was a great sacrifice for me to care so much about them. In reality, they were all fine. I was the one not fine. Even with pain, even with possibility of heart break they carried forward, cheerfully. However, I was stuck. I was stuck worried about witnessing their pain. I was stuck worried about losing them in my life.  Though these were legitimate concerns they paid no mind. Why? I couldn't understand. But it's not up to me, is it?

Fear is never alone. My fear lead to me to fear based responses. The anger and the sadness were all indications of that. I tried to control their actions with my reminders and looks so they would remain safe, so they would remember the promises they made to themselves. I was there when we said we would change. I was there when we talked about how we had made choices that were great lessons. But we forgot, right?  I forget too.  I was frustrated and angry. I was unhappy. Was I frustrated with  myself or with them? Was I unhappy with myself or with them? Why did it bother me so much? How was that being helpful to anyone? I needed to reflect.

Whenever I have had rough moments or even just weak moments I felt the most nurtured when someone was there for me, without judgment. I needed to do the same. I want to be there for the people I love, without judgement. Can you have fear but no judgment? It's so hard to not fear when you have so much to lose. That just tells me how important they are to me. With that realization I asked myself if this was the mark I wanted to leave on their eternal souls? An enforcer, a controller, a guilt maker? I didn't want that. I wanted to be a love maker, beauty finder, a best friend, a soft place to land.  I needed to treat them better while we have this precious time together. I mean... in my mind... I think there is danger beyond... in the future. I feel worried that my fears will come true. If so, why would I spend this time before the storm making them feel bad, causing conflict, making life an unhappy place. No one changes unless they really want to. No matter how much we love them they don't change for us. They are also not responsible for our anxieties or fears. Only we are. So when you love someone a great task is just to learn how to separate yourself from them to know that although you are one in many ways... either friendship or romantic love you are still separate. And although people can cause ripples amongst the softness of the Universe, that comes with good and bad. Ripples are where the greatest laughter comes from. It's where the strongest love comes from. It's where you can feel someone next to you even though they are across the country. Ripples can cross time, land and space. It's powerful stuff. If you want the good, you must accept the bad. Otherwise we must do away with all ripples. Then life would be a flat, boring, vast and endless place.

I love so many people. I am so lucky to have so many people in my life to love. I am also so lucky to have so many people love me back. I must give some strong ass ripples and keep giving them! So for every good ripple, I know I might get a bad one in return and ... Vice Versa. That's life and that's actually a good life.

I need to remember.... A person will only change when they are ready and when they want to. Not when I'm anxious and worried and fearful for their health and happiness. No. Life doesn't work that way. But I can work in a different way. I can relinquish control and love more. I can wish for the best and fear less. I can turn a new page each time a page gets turned back. And I need to remember that the future can be taken for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. What's most important is the time spent together with the ones you love. Hopefully that time  is spent in love and kindness. Hopefully, every person you care to touch in a meaningful way feels those living ripples and that life is more worth living now, even if it's just for a moment, because it was a good moment shared between genuine souls in an unguaranteed world.

Saying good-bye

Another challenge. Another goodbye. This year there has been so much sadness. I just returned from the hospital today and a relative of mine will be passing away tomorrow. They are pulling the plug.  3 weeks ago he felt sick. Tomorrow he will die.  So fast.  Last week I went to a celebration of life for my friend's dad. Though I hurt I know so many people are hurting more than me. Their pain is so unimaginable and I don't want to feel it or know it. It's been one sad story after another. Then, personally, one mental hurdle after another. It feels like there hasn't been a break. I keep taking off into the woods with who ever will go with me. It's the only way to forget all the things that I have one my mind. Somehow looking into the campfire at night, hiking and just worrying about how to cook your food takes away so much anxiety. I am never in town. I'll leave on a whim.  But regardless of the escape you can't live in the woods forever. Running away is not a solution. You have to go back and face all the fears you have. I'll just escape for  this summer and try to find other coping skills come September.

RIP Gerd Mueller and Uncle Albert I feel lucky and honored to have been able to spend some time with you today. I hope the journey to your next destination is smooth and lovely. May you watch out over us here on Earth. 

reflections

It's summer vacation time and I am free but today I am all stressed again and unhappy. My life is pretty good but sometimes I can't help but focus on the negative. For instance, I am still working a little bit right now and I was enjoying that. My work hasn't been too stressful until today. I guess in many ways my job is like that of security guard's. Life isn't too exciting when everything is going well but when shit hits the fan... it's bad. Today one of my students physically assaulted me twice. The first time was a minor attempt and then the second time it wasn't. It shocked me as this student hasn't hit me for 10 years at least and leading up to it was minor aggression towards others. I am worried for him and his family and I feel extremely violated. I just don't understand things anymore. Why... why are you hurting me? Why are you hurting others? Things were fine for so long. It's so depressing... this back tracking... regression. Sometimes I look at him and I worry so much. He's changing... and not in a good way... in a scary way and I miss the innocence that he once had.  It really breaks my heart. I am getting older now and long are the days where I am willing to sacrifice my safety to make sure my student's make it through a behaviour plan. I think I am getting too old for this job. Perhaps it's time to change. This year has been the most physical year of my life. It's really put things in perspective for me.  I am so tired.  At school I have experienced just way too much violence. I was hoping I'd get a break this summer. Now I am sitting at home wondering why do I have to sit in bed, feel depressed, type and constantly be aware of the pain throbbing in various parts of my body. Sometimes I feel like there is no solution. I know that I can't control anything aside from just doing the best I can. I feel like I'm done.

I know I am just feeling this way now. I love my kids. I think this year has tested me a lot. I wonder if it's telling me to change direction to keep pushing through. I am not sure yet.

And this year the news has been so terribly depressing. Every week there is a massacre somewhere. In actuality, it's everyday. It's suddenly a different world. It wasn't the one I expected. All I can do is my best again. I need to do my best to love others, do my best to make my life full of my favourite things. I need to do my best to make it a softer place for people to land because this world has suddenly become harsher. Life is a precious gift. Maybe the world will change again soon and for the better. Sometimes a change happens so fast.  Let's wish and pray.


This year I did learn that a lot of my "suffering" is directly linked to my mind and stress. I am starting to believe that all physical suffering is a symptom of the mind. For example... I have some chronic pain... especially in my neck and shoulders. I also developed a cough that won't go away. My arms are always a bit sore and I have some digestive issues. Recently I've been feeling some sharp pain in my left heel. So I sound like a mess... but.... whenever I go hiking or camping 90% of these aches and pains go away, even my cough. How do you explain that? Camping is soooo relaxing. I never think of anything else except for the moment. I get this pleasant, peaceful stillness. I just feel so good. My body doesn't even know to hurt. I know that getting away is good for me. I am trying desperately to heal my life. My recent experiences have really broken the ground I was walking on for so many years. I am rebuilding my life a little right now because I do feel I've been slightly traumatized. I am realizing I need nature to heal me. I've booked so many camping trips this summer and have bought all the supplies I need to get away. It's worth every penny. I am so grateful for the healing power of nature and the lessons it tries to teach us everyday.

I wish for the whole world to be healed. No more pain or violence. No more hurt. Just peace and love. Just some stillness in our minds and hearts.

A painful release

This year has been a series of endless lessons. We are into June... and this may be the most difficult month yet. In any case, I hope it's the hardest and we can move forward now into a time of great joyful abundance. I wish for peace, and happiness. I wish for love, adventure and a safe place for everyone. I wish for a harmonious life for every human being on this planet.

Today I am blogging with my deepest sincerity and heart felt pain. This blog is my platform for the confused webbing of my thoughts and emotions. It's where I release it all.  This is a part of the Universe. It listens. It grants wishes. I whisper my wishes with the stillness in my being. I am still right now.

This weekend is the weekend of epic tragedy in Orlando. When they say bad things come in 3's it was not just a saying for those in Orlando. The death of the Voice star.... 49 dead and more injured in a night club... and the 2 year old boy who was taken by an alligator... All in one small region of this world will probably go down in history. All this suffering makes no sense. At least it makes no sense to me. To someone else in this world this is a cause for celebration. For another, it's an indifferent series of circumstances.  Some react in anger and disgust. Some react with tears and heartache. We are one human race but we are not connected on this ego-plane.  Somehow we have cut ourselves off from our brothers and sisters.

In BC, there are no forest fires, but massive flooding in the north east. In the rest of the world, the must be more natural disasters. Every year the weather gets more extreme. Maybe we are just waking up to the terrible nature of tragic circumstances the rest of the world is now used to. In the West we have been protected and so lucky that many freedoms of culture and lifestyle are granted and are of debate when elsewhere in the world there is no tolerance.  In general, even with disagreement, we are living in harmony. Sometimes I feel like we are District 1. We are the lucky and unknowningly spoiled. We think that there are injustices in our daily lives but it's only because we have nothing close enough to compare it to. Now, everyday, we know a little of global pain. We need to unite as a world. No more violence. No more pain.


In my own little niche of life, there is deep sadness. This Monday, my dear friend lost her son due to gang violence. Such unnecessary death. Such unnecessary pain. What are we fighting for? The media and social media is not the most compassionate in times like these. People make bad choices in life. We all have. People cause suffering. We all do. When all is done can't we turn to the side of compassion? A life is lost. There is humanity in every life. In every human life, there are moments of compassion and love. In every human life there is some softness. In every human life there is also great suffering. Now his family suffers. His mother suffers. She suffers silently because the world points fingers.

I love my friend dearly and my heart aches for her. Losing a child must be the worst loss there can be. That must be the greatest pain in the world. I know she is in pain but how much is something I will never be able to relate to. I will never be able to help her fill the hole this has left in her. My heart aches and hurts for her. Daily, I weep a little and I think her eyes must be stinging in pain from the many tears she's already wept. Her heart must beating as irregularly as the emotional wave that rush in and fade out of her body. She told me she had seen him days before his death. She didn't know that was the last day she would see him again. We take so many things for granted. We just assume things will be the way they have always been. Everyday however, we are reminded that it's not. We are the lucky ones at this moment. If we wake up tomorrow and our world is largely the same we are lucky. We should drop to our knees in gratitude. Everyday... we should do that.

My heart aches for her and her family.

My greatest comfort, for myself, is my belief that we are all beings of energy. This was just one life time. He will never truly be gone. And that goes for all of us. If we make a couple of mistakes here on our this journey we can try again later. We keep coming back. Life continues but just in different forms. Never have I believed in anything more. As this world becomes more uncertain I have more faith in my own beliefs of what we are and where we come from. I also believe more in what we need to accomplish.

RIP CH.

Another post about a difficult year

Lately my posts are so repetitive. 2016 has been a shitty year. Life is so unpredictable... blah blah blah. And that is very true. 2016 has been truly a more challenging year so far.

Let's list some of the challenges.
1) Difficulty at work began end of 2015 and into 2016
2) Had to delete some people from my life
3) Had a bought of digestive issues
4) Illness in family
5) Got injured at work 2x
6) Got supeoned to go to court
7)  and was forced by work to do something I really didn't want to do...

Life in general...around me
1) a handful my friends in education are having some anxiety issues with work...including myself.
2) some broken long term relationships
3) Trump being the candidate for Republican Party
4) Forest fires running rampant throughout Canada

That's the tone of the year... and it's continuing that way. I thought this must be the ripening of negative karma from the past. Or something is going on that I just don't understand because I had it good... I really did for many years running. Every year was getting better and that was my expectation for this year too. Every year I had more enriching experiences. I guess, I really dont' know, these trials i'm experiencing now may be some of the most enriching in my life after some perspective. In the end there are only two ways to approach these situations. 1) fixate on them and make life all about the negativity I see around me...or 2) fix what I see around me in whichever way I can by making changes....  and also trying to learn something from it.

So...here is the good of 2016... let's not just focus on the bad stuff.

1) At some point in the beginning of the year I remembered how much I loved my job that involves working with children with autism with intense behaviours.
2) I appreciated my coworkers more than any other time before in my life
3) I was very grateful to have practice and use meditation more consistently
4) Bodhi meditation Center was always available to me
5) Beautiful weather
6) Snowshoeing in Whistler.
7) Tubing in whistler
8) Went to Utah with Elaine in March. Saw the beautiful Arches. Experienced Zion. Had a wonderful time.
9) Visited my grandfather. Happily surprised and relieved that he was recovering well and was eating. Getting stronger everyday.
10) Will be going camping for the first time.
11) Every time I could have been seriously injured I was protected.
12) My mechanic was able to track down some recipts for my taxes.
13) I saw a hummingbird
14) lots of art and painting.
15) Saw Eckart Tolle.

There must be more i'm not remembering...



One thing is for sure... I learned a lot in this short time. I learned to appreciate time off. I learned to be grateful for the simple things I have because if I choose to be dissatisfied with life, life will show me how lucky I was. I learned to not let things control me completely... to solve problems rather than to be afraid of situations. I learned that even if you had to do something hard, in the spare moments when you are not doing that hard thing, you need to live your life as full as you can. Most of all, give what you can and help and love and be happy.  Life is ever so fragile and ever so precious. We can all go tomorrow. So today make it worthwhile.

A story of overcoming anxiety

So... like I was saying 2016 not so great... I had my first  panic/anxiety attack on the way to work on Friday and was literally debilitated by it. Good thing I pulled over and was able to get some sound advice from a co-worker and tried my best to calm down. I made it and decided to solve my problem instead of running away from it.

As I have never experienced any work related anxiety at such a heightened level before I was contemplating how I was to proceed. I was miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the thought of returning to work and doing a certain task. The thoughts themselves appeared to be killing me so I know it was impossible for me to engage in said task in a professional manner. I also really didn't want to do it. Doing some self talk, I told myself that I ultimately have control over this situation and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. There are options. I will present my case and see what people say. They may agree with me or they may not. If they do, great. I can proceed to going back to work with focus on my other duties. If they don't and insist I must do a certain task my option was to quit. It was as easy as that.  At that moment I felt perfectly at ease with the thought of quitting my job even though I love my work place and I loved my coworkers. I felt good that I had a way out of this. I wasn't fearful of losing my job.  It's amazing that at times of desperation, one would not fear losing ones job. I guess it's not such an important thing afterall.

However, it worked out. They agreed with me. For now, I am still working there. I don't have to participate in a certain activity and I can happily and freely go to work. That day though, even though I was told that I was alleviated of a certain duty, I was still upset. I couldn't stop crying. When I finally got myself calm and thought I was feeling fine  my body would get all tingly and then tense up on it's own with tears leaking out of my face. It was literally uncontrollable. I had to take the rest of the day off  because I coulldn't work like that. I tried to calm down but I had these attacks until late afternoon. I was at the meditation center for hours. It was peaceful and soothing there but the attacks kept coming. I was getting worried. How was I supposed to go to work the next day and the day after if I couldn't control the tensing and crying? I asked myself... "why are you still crying and upset? You solved your problem.  You should be happy." A voice within applied with an answer. It said in a very still manner "It's because you are not present."

With that I woke up. It was correct. I wasn't present. I thought I was calming down and in fact I was calming down periodically, but also in between the moments of calm my mind was flashing back to the traumatic event that started up all this anxiety. It was also fast forwarding to future events of it happening again. I was so grateful for that realization. I told myself I was fine. There is no impending threat. I am safe now. I don't have to be scared anymore. The threat is gone. After that, I felt much lighter and I left the meditation hall. I went outside and took in the fresh air. I went and bought a sandwich. I met up with a friend and had dinner at her house. With that realization I became  stronger. I was more in control. If I kept allowing my mind to reenact a freightening moment in my life, that moment could last a life time. I could be living in this world but all the time my mind would be in the past.  As long as I stayed in the now I would be free from the suffering I was making myself go through. I am pretty sure that without all the work I've been putting into recognizing my spirit and quieting my mind that I would be developing PTSD now. Of course, no one wants that. I want to be functioning and not trapped in my mind. I feel so grateful for my wonderful teachers and like minded friends that keep me on the right track. I am so grateful.

So I'm thinking with all the struggles I've had this year... maybe they are there for a reason. To push me away from the jail of my mind and acknowledge the power within... it's stronger than any thought. It's stronger than any circumstance.

Asking the Universe.

It's a scary thought that perhaps the reason why I am still single is because I've given up way too many times and far too easily when met with the challenges of being in a relationship. I've always put my hands up in defeat, and put up my offence and defense game up too fast before there was even a war. I was always getting ready to burn the bridge. Recently it occurred to me that this was my pattern and my contribution to the downfall of my relationships with others.

I am going to put the blame on my emotions. Being single is an oddly comforting state, you know where you stand, you are always emotionally safe though sometimes you may feel lonely. Perks are if you "single" the right way you can have a wonderful time.  The only person that you depend on for your happiness is yourself. And you also have little expectations from others so little disappointment follows. But let's be honest here, we all hear you need to find love in yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to be happy being single otherwise being in a relationship wont' make you happy either. I don't think that's true. I can be perfectly happy when I'm single but extremely unhappy in a relationship. I blame it on emotions. Falling for someone is like being placed on beautiful tropical island that has random storms. As a person who is used to being single, you don't have the equipment handy to deal with such storms. You don't know how to build a shelter to weather a storm and you don't even have an umbrella. Hell, you were standing there wearing shorts and it was sunshine one minute and suddenly the sky turned gray and lighting blasted through the sky and you said " oh shit... I ain't dressed for this kind of weather". That's what being in a relationship is like for me. So I run out of there with my flip flops and wait around until I'm dried off and then feel scared to go to that strange land again. I think I have a relationship phobia. My emotions, especially fear, is the greatest obstacle for me being a good partner in a relationship and I recognize that.

The greatest emotional pain I've ever experience was through a break up and the floor basically fell from beneath my feet when an unearthing fear rippled through my body. I know that my fear drove me crazy and broke the relationship. After the break up, I learned I had a wide range of emotions as I fell really deep into an emotional black hole. If one were to compare this experience to the storm analogy it was more like being swooped up into the eye of an hurricane and thinking you were going to die. The vortex of emotional technicolor engulfs and traps you. There is so much range and so many frequencies to emotions. They can be so intense and they can be so eye opening. They can make you fight so hard for your previous calm life. You have to fight hard against your own mind to stay afloat, to go to work and just to make it through any daily activity. I felt so pathetic for even being there but I learned how human I was and what the human experience was like. Emotional suffering was terrible.  I understand how pain is the catayst to enlightment. I mean, what other choice do you have. Either break through or die. When I broke through, which took nearly half a year, I was so grateful and I never wanted to go there again. Since then, I have to admit, I've never felt that same amount of pain. In fact, when a relationship falls apart, it still hurt, but with each break up I became more and more numb. I thought that meant that I had learned from my past and I hadn't let my emotions take control in subsequent relationships but now I see what it truly is instead... mind numbing fear and intentional sabotage to relieve myself from a relationship that spells impending doom.  My friend Dickson said we are all damaged goods. It's true. Now I know how people can go through life numb to horrible things. You just shut that part of your body off. We'd rather not feel? But I am an emotional and loving person. I want to feel, just not the bad things. I've been single for a year now and I miss being in a relationship. I want to start looking again. I also want to stop jumping off the ship when things get rough.

I am asking the Universe for yet another opportunity at love and to give me the strength to do my part of being a conscious and equal partner. I wish for myself to be understanding to my own emotions and recognize their purpose of protectiveness and say thank you but at the same time I wish to be released from the emotional pain of my past that holds me back from being able to love. I also wish to be a kind and compassion companion.

Writing this tonight is due to the fact that I recognize the dark hole from my past was a life changing moment. I learned a lot and I grew a lot. I also numbed a lot. I am grateful for learning more about myself and I hope to change it and have the opportunity to be a good partner to someone else soon.

My practice of direct gratitude. A glimpse into the many grateful moments I had this weekend.

This Friday was a mess but what I can say about Friday is that it will not have a hold on me. Moving along, I had a fantastic weekend. Saturday started with the Vaisahki Festival in Vancouver and I went with some friends to enjoy some culture and food. So many people were there and it was a big celebration of giving and sharing abundance. If you don’t know what Vaisahki is, it is a Sikh tradition where they celebrate giving and helping the community. There so many stalls open between two main streets. Families gathered to serve the crowds with free vegetarian food. There was music and there was dancing. Near the end there was a parade as well. People of every race and religion were there. I feel so lucky to live in such a diverse city where people of many different religions can harmoniously exist and can all be celebrated. I also feel grateful that the Sihk community is always open to people everywhere to celebrate and learn about their culture. Learning is great! You could tell that love was in the air.

The great day continued into the evening because I went to An Evening with Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart Tolle a great spiritual teacher. In fact, he was my first spiritual teacher and I always end up turning to his books when I need guidance the most. It was an exciting opportunity to be able to hear him speak. It was a two hour talk where Eckhart sat by himself on the stage with nothing but a chair and a small table that had a vase of flowers and a glass of water on it. I had never seen the Queen Elizabeth Theatre so bare. I guess the less distractions there were on stage the more we were able to be present and listen to him. He had his standard khakis, shirt and vest on and talked for the entire two hours. His main message was to remind us that it was in our hands to change the world by opening our eyes. It was up to us to stop the negative thoughts that precede suffering, pain and violence and to start helping and caring for one another instead. He wanted us to see each other as pieces of ourselves and also as connected pieces of the fabric of the Universe. I was taking notes on the points that were especially thought provoking or inspiring. My top three are:

1) How do we know that the Universe is conscious? We know because we are conscious and that we are part of the Universe. As the Universe’s energy is manifested in many different forms, such as a rock or color, the Universe has manifested it’s own consciousness and awareness through the human mind. We are aware that we exist. We are aware that we are alive. We can perceive the many different forms of the Universe around us. I think that is a breathe taking thought.

2) When we face challenges, do no resist them. Instead accept them as part of the evolution of our consciousness. Be grateful for them. Thank them. Practice this process of evolution with the big and the small challenges. Don’t argue with the “isness” of the moment. Just allow it to be.

3) Gratitude and gratefulness should not always be external. You shouldn’t just be grateful for what you have. We should practice direct gratitude in the present moment by appreciating what is. Appreciating the beauty around us by giving it attention and to notice it’s essential aliveness.

Today I practiced such a thing. I had a wonderful day with friends exploring the Cleavland Dam on the North Shore. I stopped and stared and tried to give my surroundings attention. I tried to feel the aliveness of nature. That is easy in a place like a forest. However, it was when I got home that I felt a stronger connection while sitting alone in my backyard. I guess having a goal at the Cleavland Dam made it harder to really let go of the thoughts. I got home I sat in my backyard without my phone and was enjoying my dinner. I wasn’t intending to notice anything and I had no goals at the moment to pay attention to anything in particular. In that moment I was just looking around and then I noticed a crow. The crow was staring at me and I was wondering if it was hungry. I had some steak fat on my plate so I threw a chunk towards it. It hobbled by and picked it up ever so cautiously and watchful in case I were to make a move. He flew away but came back, eyeing me. I continued to chuck food towards it and it continued to collect food while looking rather anxious. I was trying paying close attention to his behaviour and gestures as they seemed quite meaningful. He wasn’t sure of me but he wanted to eat. He was a little scared. He perched far enough away so it was safe but he stuck around while cleaning it’s beak incase I was feeling more generous. Then I noticed the most amazing thing. As it was “cleaning it’s beak” on the wooden fence a noise was also forming out of it’s beak. It was a mild and soft sound. Not so much a chirp but like a bubble popping, almost like a burp but seemingly intentional. It was such a minute thing but such a revelation. I never knew crows made any other sound than the loud and rhythmic cawing. I realized I knew nothing about them and never noticed much about them except for when they would huddle in large groups and look scary and maybe swoop down towards my head in the Spring. But I felt it’s delicate nature tonight. Intrigued, I started feeding it some corn chips and also learned that crows like to stash their food. This little crow took my Tostitos and buried them around my backyard and my neighbor’s yard too, cleverly I might add, by covering up the pieces with dead grass. I love noticing this world around me. It has many mysteries and many stories that are not so apparent at first glance. You’d think that being in my mid thirties I would have noticed a common city crow’s delicate sounds and hoarding behaviour but no… not until today. Took 36 years to push away useless thoughts on a Sunday night in order for me to open up my awareness briefly enough to notice this. It’s like Alice through the looking glass. The funniest thing is that you don’t even need to drive into the mountains to connect with nature or to let go of thoughts. Apparently, you can even do it in the city or maybe just anywhere as long as your cell phone is far far away.

We only see the very surface of it. If we are only seeing the very obvious things in front of us and missing all the little nuances and tenderness of life what are we missing? If I had only noticed the beauty of a crow today, I wonder how many times I missed the beauty of a person, the moon or tree even if I was staring directly at it. I don’t want to be blind anymore. Is that what we are doing with our emotional and social experiences, only touching the surface? I guess we all have to pay a little more attention to see the true beauty of things.

Night rambles

I was doing so well with meditation for a while but it appears I've forgotten how or I've lost the connection. I guess I need to go to Bodhi in order to continue my practice at home. Without,  the discipline falls to the wayside. Now I know why the 3 jewels are the center of Buddhist practice. The 3 jewels are... the Buddha. .. Dharma. .. and sangha. One needs an example to look up to hence the Buddha. One also needs some rules of engagement and moral codes which is the dharma. Last, one needs the community of believers that keep you on the same path when you stray, those that are walking the same path as you... that is the sangha. It all makes sense now.

Though im not meditating Eckart Tolle has been on my playlist frequently. He says to listen to the silence, the unmanifested. He says to pay attention to the space between objects just as we are to attend to who we truely are which is the spiritual essence between our mind constructs.

As I am having a hard time sleeping and it's a quiet night I will tend to the quiet and the space... the gap before a thought and see what it's all about.  If there are any revelations I'll take note.

A letter to myself.

2016 has been a challenge so far. It's hasn't been atrociously difficult but there have been some bumps in the road. There has been some losses, some battles, and some terribly anxious moments. They are also consistently spread out through the months. Unlike previous years, there were blocks of time where I might have been going through something but this year it feels like this it's a running theme. I am more negative this year in general. It's funny how at the very end of 2015 I spent the day on my own to celebrate the new year coming in. Spiritually, I felt I need that space and freedom around me. I thought that I would be welcoming a joyful and fruitful year because 2015 was incredible. It's very ironic or maybe the expectations were too high and naturally disappointment follows. You also never know what is around the corner. As this year has brought up some difficult circumstances and my overall general emotional state is not at it's best there has also been huge dissapointments towards at myself. I am disappointed for not being able to do more, to be more for others and to do more for myself. But I have resolved that this is a year for me to take things slow and do the best I can where I am. I will try my hardest to give but if I can't, I just can't.

Though for some perspective, there have also been great things this year and it's also only March, or near end of March. It's too soon to write the whole year off. But it's been up and down, up and down. And at times I felt despair, loneliness, frustration, desperation, sadness and fear. Lots of negative feelings. I have also felt elation, excitement, hope, accomplishment, wonder and awe. It's been so up and down for me I'm starting to wonder if I am bipolar. But I feel like what it truly happening is a crop up of emotions that I have not worked through are blossoming because circumstances have provided the fertile grounds for them to bloom and hopefully be released. 

In the past couple of years I've worked very hard on my awareness and for the most part it has only brought good things to my life. But, on the other hand, I sometimes feel like I have to be happy and always positive. So when something knocks me off my feet, it's hard to get up immediately and be that person again. I've forgotten what it feels like to be sad or negative for long periods of unwavering time. Recently, I had to give into the fact that the negative feelings I have are real and I can't ignore them. They are there for a reason. How I use and interpret them is important though. The most common feelings that have been coming through recently are resentment, anger and regret and guilt. They are often directed both myself and others. I have also been feeling this is an unfair world, a world where there is no insurance you can buy to protect you from. Then I also feel disappointment from the fact that no matter how hard I try to change, I am reverting to the same person with the same reactions and same fears.  I see a side of myself I don't like.  Then I wonder which is my true self? Is my true self the one with all the emotions bubbling under the surface or is my true self that state of peace and happiness I work so hard at accomplishing? All I can say is that I am not a Buddha. It's hard for me to turn the other cheek and I can't pretend that what others do is not hurtful. Recent circumstances made me think about a person in my life that once told me they don't think people really change. At that time  I thought that people changed if they wanted to and if they took their life lessons seriously. Now I'm starting to wonder.  Maybe it's true. Maybe you can try all your life to be a particular kind of loving saint, one that never gets hurt, offended, or angry, one that always takes the high road and acts with love and compassion but it's all but a futile journey because you are human and you will fail... at least once in a while.

But now it's been a day and a half and though these thoughts crop up I am now cooling down and sitting here thinking that what someone has done to me is no different that what I have done to others in the past. So someone has hurt me, they have bruised my ego and they have crossed my personal boundaries. I can feel hurt. I can feel pain. But to be honest, I have done the same exact things to others. This is what I realized after sitting around in negativity for 1.5 days. I have done the same things to others. And did I feel bad about it? Yes. Did I want to hurt them? No. Did I know what I was doing? No. Did I feel like I had any other options at the time? No. I was just trying to make myself feel better because I was in pain. I know this world can be a dark place sometimes and we do whatever it takes to make it a warmer place for ourselves. Why do I get to sit in judgment? Whether it ends up hurting someone is not a consequence we are thinking about. I need to forgive those who have hurt me because I need to forgive myself and I need to replace it with understanding and compassion. We are all human. We don't always do the right things. In fact, we often do the wrong things. Nothing makes me immune from being on the other side. What comes around goes around. We call that Karma.  I deserve to be loved, to be respected and to be treated fairly as does anyone else but I also deserve compassion when I am making desperate choices and so does someone else.  Afterall, those choices come from a dark place where there is no light. Sometimes it feels like there is no other choice. Like The Arcade Fire said "we are just a million little gods causing rain storms, turning every good thing to rust. That's why we just have to adjust." Something like that...

I was getting pretty down and out and hating the world for a hot minute and looking for validation of my negative feelings from outside myself. I wanted a harem of anger. I wanted a revolution but I am no Hilter. I can't gather a crowd of hate. All my friends are also extremely spiritual and have worked hard on their own demons. My demons weren't going to drag them down. And even if I had my crowd of hate it would help little. It would just stoke a fire and when the fire burnt out the pain would still be there. Sometimes you just need to sit with yourself and let the feelings pass. We are all guilty of something. We have all been unkind, selfish, and hurt others intentionally and unintentionally in the past. This is the way the world goes around. The cycle of pain has to stop within myself first before i expect it of others. There is so much negativity in the world that if I dived into this ocean I would never get out.  I found some online posters about depression and man are they accurate. They truly reflect the hurt. I had gone through a painful journey many years ago and remember the numbness I felt.  I felt like I was an alien in this world. I couldn't smile genuinely, I couldn't pay attention to conversations, I couldn't laugh with my friends without really faking it. It was a rough time. It's hard to be an imposter. I was stuck in my mind and I couldn't leave the past alone. Though I'm past that dark place it will always be a part of me now and I will fall down that pit again.  But I can't live in that hole for very long because I built myself ladders and I left a flashlight down there because I desperately learned my own way out. Today for a hot minute I felt like I was there again and then, snap yo' fingers,  I came out. I am so grateful for that.  The fact that I am here now in a state of peace is a sign that I have grown from all these lessons.  The old stories are lessons, but not every story is the same but still the shadows cast far and wide. We need to walk away from the past as it may serve to teach you lessons you but if you take those lessons literally they can hurt you. I am hoping that writing out this story has opened up room in my heart so I can let it go. I don't want to be angry or hurt anymore. And I don't want to continue this cycle of throwing daggers and pain down the time space continuum. Maybe, for once, this  pain will teach me to do things differently, rather than just think differently, act differently to save myself and others from further pain.

Spring break. Ahhhh

Spring break is finally here and I can finally take that long sigh that my mind and body had been needing to take since New Years. 

It's been one stressful year so far. On Friday night after getting home from meeting up with some friends I slept for a full 12 hours. I am not one to sleep in but without any expectations for the next day and looming responsibilities my body was finally able to relax. Today is first day of spring break. MONDAY!!! OH! How I love this Monday. I have a list of things to do today but the first thing I did was plant much ass down at a coffee shop and do nothing. I forgot how much I love sitting in a coffee shop and doing nothing.  I need to do this more. I'm not even reading.  Sometimes I look around and other times in texting my friends. I feel so free!!!

I feel happy and I realize I feel more empowered.  I'm stress free right now and all I had to do was do something I love. I just had to take care of myself. I have currently put aside all of the things that have been on my mind and realized they don't need to be on my mind all the time.

I'm so grateful for having this time to myself today.  So so grateful.  Thank you public education system! !!

International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. It's a day to celebrate women and strengthen women related causes in this world. I am fortunate to be able to write a long list of the amazing women in our lives. I am lucky to be able to celebrate today and any day with freedom. It's a wonderful privledge to be a woman but especially to be a woman in North America. With the day in mind, there were reminders everywhere of all the amazing miracles women bring into this world. Not just through child birth or taking care of their families (though these are truly important things) but in the how they change things in the little worlds around them, how much love they can give and how so many women have changed the entire world with their bravery.


Today I celebrated International Women's Day doing a Zumba class with one of my best friends that was in support of new cancer research. The entire class was filled with women. The teachers were women. There was a 88 year old survivor of breast cancer 2x over sitting in a chair and watching her grand daughter lead a class for the rest of us. Our instructors, who were women, smiled all through the class constantly increasing the vitatlity and energy of the space. I felt so grateful that all around me were amazing women who lead as examples of how to live their life. Survive, love, smile and stay healthy... support one another and have fun. Enjoy life.

Happy International Women's Day.

Sad

Today I am sad.  Someone told me something today that really hurt me. Then I said some things in anger.  Now that has changed everything.  Funny how, in the moment of anger, you feel like you will always feel strongly about something one way or the other.  Once your anger goes away it's not so.  But you can't take back words and I will not apologize.  And the person who told me her truth told it out of love. But I rather her not tell me.  Then today there would have been no daggers thrown.  Today there would have been no bridges burnt.

When your planner makes you look like a nerd.

How did time come and go like this? It feels like it's the beginning of the new year but we are already heading into March. I looked at my calendar and realized that the adventures I've planned for spring break are coming so fast. I know the next 3 weeks, whether they go smoothly or with some bumps, will fly by. Time seems to move faster when you get older. Does anyone notice that? If you don't make a strong commitment to make certain priorities in your life manifest they might just slip away without noticing. Time waits for no one.

My planner is like a journal I keep with all my life's events. It's not just for organization but also historic accounts of my life. It helps me remember fun times and it puts my life in perspective. It also shows trends in my interests, the people I spend time with etc... I like to review it. So far, I feel this year has been tame in personal matters, but occupationally, very challenging. Last year, my social life was so abundant, and work was so tame. How do things switch like that so fast?  I had two different types of readings from the Buddhist temple for 2015 and 2016. Last year the reading said that my karma had ripened and fruit was ready for the picking. This year my reading said I needed to sow some more seeds of intention and wait for the conditions to be right. Apparently, my karma is not as good this year. I need to work a little more the dharma. Most importantly, I need to make some changes in life that include getting rid of a bad habit. I do believe in these readings as they appear to suit the signs of the times.

I want 2016 to be full of life but not just during spring break. I need to make more of an effort to liven things up. I find that I am getting lazy. On weekends I don't mind staying at home. I want to just relax. I don't exercise as much.  I eat out less. I meditate. These are all good things. However, they don't add much variety to my life. I want adventure and I want peace. I want excitement and I want relaxation. I want friends, family, and a love life, but I also want my own time. I want a little bit of everything.  I don't want to look back at my planner at the end of the year and see that I only had fun during spring break and summer. I will do it all! I will remember to say yes to life at least once a week lol.

Happy and calm.

Every day is getting a bit better. Today I was actually quite happy throughout the day. First thing in the morning I was smiling and on my toes ready for work! Whatever the day was to bring to me I was determined to greet it with a smile! And guess what? It was a perfect work day! It was such a successful day I couldn't believe it myself. My heart was shining and beating so loud today even the heavens could hear.

This week I also got two gifts, kind of out of the blue. I got a SCOBY(a starter for making Kombucha at home) and milk kefir grains. I will have a little probiotics factory working out of my cupboard soon. I am happy for the fresh kefir grains even though I was a little bit reluctant to accept them at first. I use to have kefir grains and they pretty much took over the basement. Eventually, I had to let them go and it felt like a failed venture. But at the same time I am buying kefir now in a bottle to use in my smoothies and fresh probiotics are probably better than bottled ones so I am grateful. Maybe it is time to try again.

I got my Scoby from my cousin whom I got to know better last year. I didn't even know she enjoyed home fermentation. I was pretty ironic because I had bought a bottle of Kombucha the day she got in touch with me about her home brew. Now I have my own Scoby. Kombucha was something I've wanted to brew for a long time at home. Woot! I looked at my Kombucha today and it was already a little fizzy. I took a taste but it was pretty bland. Just gotta wait a little longer for more fermentation to take place and then i'll start experimenting with flavours and the double fermentation process. I feel a little in love with that SCOBY. It is alive after all and it's going to give me millions of beneficial bacteria and yeast that will only make my life awesome! Maybe the more I love it the better it will ferment for me. I am very grateful for my two gifts of probiotics. I must pay it forward once my babies start to grow!

On another note, the last two months I've been extremely stress. In the last two weeks, my sleep quality had gone down hill. The last two days was feeling like back in the day when I had full fledge insomnia. However, both times I slathered my insanity on Cheesefight and both nights I slept into the night afterwards because of it. For whatever reason writing releases my anxiety. I truly write for myself as no one reads my blog. Somehow it acts as a release even though it's not all that different than repeating stories in my head. The only audience afterall is me. Maybe it's the act of publishing it into the world wide web that feels like a form of letting go. I have private entries too and when they remain unpublished and hidden from sight those problems don't feel as far away.  I find it an interesting process. There are so many things to be grateful for. Good night world wide web. Thanks for listening to me.

Why??!!

Today by mid afternoon my anxiety had gone down. I feel good and positive. I felt more capable of dealing with different kinds of stress. After work I came home, ate dinner, watched tv and meditated for a bit. I was sooooo tired. For sure I was going to fall asleep. Why?! Why?!?!!!!! Why can't I sleep? And I keep thinking about things too, especially things I can't change or have control over at this very minute. It's frustrating not being able to rest. 

Yesterday after typing out my thoughts onto this blog I was finally able to sleep. I just cAnt get certain things off my mind. My mind knows it's not good to peserverate but the heart won't let go. 

While meditating today I did have an epiphany and it was how my body truly is the Universe. It kinda clicked. I am soothing myself. I am healing myself with the power I have within. It's not from something out there. All I need is within me as I am as big as the entire Universe bc I am a Universe. And I am the only Universe in my life that's real. 

Once an insomniac, always an insomniac.

I miss those days when I passed out at 10pm regularly. I don't know how that trend started but my sleep cycle had regulated itself for a while until now. It appears I still have the insomnia disease. And it also appears that the first thing my mind tends to do in uncomfortable life changes is obsess and try to control situations via video feedback loop in my cerebral movie theatre. I so envy those that can lay their head on a pillow and disappear into pleasant dreams after a hard day. 

I've had a very interesting new year. 2016, leap year, a year of much growth for sure. I feel it's my body revolts to the new changes in my life. I think perhaps my 2015 was too easy going and comfortable so 2016 got kicked up a notch. Must of been the calm before the storm. 

I am feeling a little disappointed in the fact that I cannot sleep right now as it is right now that I really need the mental healing and alertness that comes with a restful nights sleep. If this continues I'm going to be majorly burnt out. I am so looking forward to every weekend where I can sit alone in peace like a vegetable. I fully brace and enjoy the restful state of mind I conjure up in morning meditation. I am intending hard for peace of mind. This all started with work place stress. Yet tonight I feel tortured. Not only am

I now fixated on work, I have all the anxiety inducing loops in my brain going off at the same time. 

Ex of loops in quick succession.::Which phone should I buy? But it's too expensive. Unlocked or 2 year contract? They plans cost so much. But I need one soon. I can't afford it if I want to visit my grandfather. Will anyone pick me up from the airport. I don't want to miss the opportunity to see him. Why do all the flights depart at 6:55am?!!!  I really need a break. I feel scared. What if it happens again? What if I don't do a good job? What are the consequences of that? This is sucking the life out of me. I need a hug. I'm single and there is no one to hug me right now. Where can I get that hug?  I miss my ex. I wish my ex would hug me. Why did we have to break up? Maybe I should text him. But I'm supposed to be trying to stay away from him. If I don't stop talking to him I'll be single forever. I don't want to be single forever. But he feels like the one. He's the one I want to be with. But he doesn't want to be with me so he's not the one. But I don't like anyone else. I'm never going to have feelings for anyone else after this. Ok stop thinking about this. It's a waste of time.  I really need a cuddle. I'm so tired. I'm not going to be at my best tomorrow if I can't sleep.  What if I can't preform because I'm too tired to notice something important.  I can't handle this anymore. Now I don't want to go out on Friday with my friend. I feel I need space. But I don't want to disappoint her. I need a break!!!! Why isn't meditation working??? I can't visualize anything. I'm doomed::: this is just a minor example of how this insomnia will kill me. 

Endless thinking. Can't stop it. No one is awake for me to talk to. So instead I just do this other version of talking to myself...  Transference of obsessive ramblings through blog.  I hope they stay here tonight and allow me a moments of rest. 

I'm going to try meditation again. 

The best Half and Half substitute for your coffee!

Recently I watched Dr. Oz and they were talking about nut milks as good substitutes for the cream in your coffee if you want a healthier lifestyle. What I liked about his advice was about what kind of milk to use for what type of coffee. For instance, for lattes he suggested cashew milk, iced coffee -almond milk and for any coffee which required half and half he suggested coconut milk for the same satisfying qualities. I have tried all these milks in the past and didn't enjoy them with my coffee but it reminded me of how I should look for a better alternative because I drink sooooo much half and half. Two days ago I made several different recipes with cashews, coconut butter and hemp. Nothing tasted good. The cashews were too thick and cashew and I didn't like the coconut milk at all. The last thing, hemp milk, was good but had a grassy taste to it which I did not prefer. I decided to mix them together. With a combo of cashew cream and hemp milk it was nearly a perfect substitute for half and half. The more cashew cream I mixed with the hemp the richer the taste. The less cashew cream, the more it tastes like milk.

Here is my recipe...

Hemp milk
1/2 cup dehulled hemp seeds
3 cups of water
pinch of sea salt
1-2 dates (depending on how sweet you like things)
half teaspoon vanilla extract

-blend all ingredients together in a high speed blender until it resembles milk.. don't even need to strain. Chill and serve


Cashew cream:

1/2 raw cashews ( I don't soak mine)
1 cup water

Blend until a smooth consistency is formed

mix the two together to make the perfect consistency for your coffee.



I personally enjoy drinking about a tablespoon of cashew cream with the 2 cups of hemp milk and drink it straight up. Very tasty and nourishing!