How I am trying to find balance in times of uncertainty.

I get all my lessons from

1. Love and fear
2. My family and friends
3. My students
4. Animals
5. Nature

I need to focus on my gratitude for the above everyday.

My most influential spiritual teachers
In the order of which teachings were received.

1. Eckart Tolle
2. Jin Bodhi
3. Brene Brown
4. Deepak Chopra
5. Michael A. Singer
6. Pema Chodron

Most influential book for my creativity...
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

So when trying to find balance I think going back to the people and things that  gave me the best vehicle to get to balance is a smart thing to do. How about you?

When stressed, it doesn't help that the world is falling apart, economically and physically. Aside from global warming, we are nearing a global pandemic and economic recession. There is so much fear in the world. Personally, there has been too much on my mind that pertains to family. I've been trying to contain an outbreak in my family while ignoring the one in my mind. Instead, the problems of the world are all I focus on and see as I see them as a threat. I am very threat-heightened right now.
What is the acceptance that needs to happen here? Even if I do everything I can to keep me and my family safe the outcome will be whatever it will be. Preparedness is good but it doesn't change the inevitable. It just delays it. People get old. People get sick. Everyone will eventually die. Threats will also continue to come. As you get older, you have more to lose. I am grateful to have an abundant life which shields me from alot of negative things in this world. But no one is immune and though I dislike bad things happening in my life I know I need this. In some way... I need this to learn how to change and.. better at handling hard things that come my way.

After posting last night I read through my older posts and the most trying times in my life have been recorded on there with very little information on actual events. There are a few uplifting entries as well.  As the blog is for me and my emotional processing I know that many of those post were written in dark times. In times of saying good bye to loved ones or not being able to say good bye even. That pain never goes away and I guess when you get another chance you want to do all you can before it's too late. It's interesting how I forgot those same mental struggles I had then.

To be more open I want to share that my heart has  been breaking a lot lately. My great uncle whom I love very much had a health crisis. Yet now he is safe and in care. My great aunt is living on her own and I have to remind myself she is managing.  Though I wish things were different and that they could be together that may not be what is best. My parents are also older now and I can see their exhaustion. It's a hard place to be but everyone has moments like this in their life. And I have been asking myself lately why does this have to happen now. In a moment when visiting hospitals are the the scariest thing to do. Where staying at a hospital is risky. Where there is a virus taking over the globe that has a bad track record for the elderly. But what does that this constant thinking do? It just creates bitterness and it just victimizes you. This is just now life is right now. I can only work in the dimensions of what life is evolving in.

My sister tells me worrying does nothing. And she is often more anxious than me. She has an outbreak 15 minutes away from her home, in Kirkland. And senior home and a rehab facility, just like the kind my uncle is in. It's hard not to be scared. 50 people are suspected to be infected. No visitors are allowed. All I want is for my uncle to be released but my family says he needs to be there. If SHTF I dont want him to be alone and not with his wife. I don't want him to be in the rehab facility with no way to contact his family. In my own position, if I were that old I'd rather be with my partner and die together but I cant assume that bad things are to come.  I can only put my trust in our government and our health system. No one wants these things to happen. No one can do anything about sick people in hospitals.

Seeing people suddenly lose their gifts, memory, ability to do things for themselves and show dementia... it's hard. It's harder to not be able to help as much as one can. My parents have told me to take a step back bc I work in a school. They fear I can infect them and my uncle. I know they also dont want me to go to the hospital in fear I can get sick. Familial sacrifice is a double edge sword. I told them I would stay away for 1 week and see what develops. At the end of the day, it's risky in a school and I would not want to make him sick.

So every morning instead of watching the news updates to see what I need to do to get ready for coronavirus I will do something calming. Start the day off on a good note.

This morning I listed to some music from Bodhi Meditation. I didn't start the day with Dr. John Campbell's updates on the coronavirus. I didn't check global BC updates or the canadian websites for new data. So far I haven't gone out to hoard toilet paper. I didnt do that today and I havent done that yet. It's not like checking or buying toilet paper can stop it from coming here. Am I prepared? Yes. Is my family prepared? Yes. Is my aunt's house stocked? Yes. Is my sister prepared? Yes. Are my friends prepared? Most of them. Are we going to be ok? Who knows.

But I will be grateful today...

I am grateful for...
1. Modern science
2. The great minds of humans that can do good
3. All the love I have been given and also have to share
4. Ray... who has seen me cry so many times in a day and has learned to cope with this new phase in both our lives
5. The beautiful sunshine  we get today
6. Smiles from strangers
7. Warmer weather.

And I'll try to post a bit of gratitude everyday.

A letter to my fear.

Confession. I am suffering right now. Everyday I feel like I am suffering more and more. There are days where I pat my own back and tell myself I've done a great job and the next moment I feel defeated. I try to make this a softer place but sometimes making a softer place for others makes life more painful for me. I feel a lot of pressure.

Sometimes I feel like I am punishing myself because I think if I do all the right things, I can fix everything. We all do that, don't we?  In my family, sacrifice is love. I've learned this behaviour too as I easily sacrifice parts of myself for others. Parents do this all the time. Partners do it too. Sacrifice is one of the highest offerings of love. I don't regret choices I make when they come from a place of love but I know now if I am not careful with my energy it can hurt me back. I just want to acknowledge sacrifice also causes pain. My pain is temporary and I will be ok. But acknowledging that pain came from my own actions was sort of an "ah ha" moment for me.

Somehow you can feel pain from doing what's right. And doing what is right doesn't mean you can stop inevitable things from happening. Sacrifice isn't actually an offering that can pay you back what you have lost. It is an action that once given and taken,  that's it! No guarantees on outcomes. Somethings will happen no matter what. Now I see my sacrifices were not just for others but were also selfish.  Sacrifice is also a way of controlling the world around you. At some point, we have to admit we can't control everything. I need to accept the changes in life, as they are the natural order of things.

Without being careful, there is a new phase in my life now that is about battling my own intrusive thoughts that seem to grow more and more each day. It's my turn to feel anxiety and fear. That is a shitty ass feeling. Feeling a lack of control is a very uncomfortable. But instead of trying to fix it I will have to learn to accept it. So I'll do what I've always done in the past. I'll write and share my thoughts. I'll share the experience of processing my emotions, the way I like to do it. Did you know that whenever I used to feel strong feelings I would type it all out? I would read what I wrote over and over again and edit.  Editing the intrusive thoughts or the negative background noise in my mind helped me focus on more proactive behaviours or just more mindful. It made me more aware of how that voice just keep telling stories when nothing was wrong in that moment. With awareness I was able to change the script sometimes or have some brief relief from listening to stories in my head.

I also use to meditate a lot and I've stopped doing that for a while. Life got pretty care free. Life was super duper. I didn't need to meditate.  Meditation is a dedication and where I loved the concept of it I hated the discipline of it. It is a thing that is frustrating to begin and difficult to master. I remember my teacher saying not to give up. He always said that we may have better things to do now, things that are more fun even but the day will come when we will need that locus of control in our mind and like everything without practice the skill goes away. And he was right. So I'll be trying to find some balance in emotion, energy and mental processing. Most importantly, I am focusing on my thoughts and feelings instead of resisting them, instead of resisting what life has recently given me. And also to stop making everything about my suffering. I need to remind myself to be grateful.

In a small moment, so many things change but the past is not meaningless. There is goodness there. There is importance in the past and the future but the now is a moment you can't say no to. So you have to be in it and try to embrace it. Life didnt do something to you. Life is just life. This is just how it is supposed to play out. In general, life moves forward for everyone. Regardless if you like the place forward is heading to. No one gets to choose every detail. These days I try to tell myself nothing makes me so special that I don't have to ever experience pain or sadness because it's true.

Those things that other people have to go through, I never understood. I would always try to help if someone was sad but it's not the same as feeling sad and out of control.  With the lack of true understanding there is always room for judgment.  That is the gift pain can give, sudden understanding. When growing anxiety comes I try to soften my body, focus on my breath and to focus on something that's in front of me but of course it doesn't always work. I will accept that there isnt always a solution that feels good. There will always be good moments and bad ones. I must rely on coping strategies. Coping strategies are things I teach to others. Now I have to teach them to myself. I don't want anyone to worry. Things are as they should be. Everything is fine because nothing is wrong. It just feels wrong to me. But life is neutral. Everything is just neutral until we give it meaning. Life isnt  fitting into the box perfectly like I wanted to but who said i get to choose.

I am just like everyone else and on that note I finally know how so many others feel. Somehow that connectedness also makes you feel a little less pained. So many people in the world are hurting just like you and they get up the next day and live their life anyway. That's just the human condition. Now I am yet again experiencing something that makes me a little more human.  That is something to be grateful for I suppose.

Writing is how I process things. Somehow editing my thoughts and posting it online feels like I've sent my new, edited thoughts and feelings into the Universe, like... hey Uni, this is the good copy, scrap that other one. So please accept this final copy.