Sad

Today I am sad.  Someone told me something today that really hurt me. Then I said some things in anger.  Now that has changed everything.  Funny how, in the moment of anger, you feel like you will always feel strongly about something one way or the other.  Once your anger goes away it's not so.  But you can't take back words and I will not apologize.  And the person who told me her truth told it out of love. But I rather her not tell me.  Then today there would have been no daggers thrown.  Today there would have been no bridges burnt.

When your planner makes you look like a nerd.

How did time come and go like this? It feels like it's the beginning of the new year but we are already heading into March. I looked at my calendar and realized that the adventures I've planned for spring break are coming so fast. I know the next 3 weeks, whether they go smoothly or with some bumps, will fly by. Time seems to move faster when you get older. Does anyone notice that? If you don't make a strong commitment to make certain priorities in your life manifest they might just slip away without noticing. Time waits for no one.

My planner is like a journal I keep with all my life's events. It's not just for organization but also historic accounts of my life. It helps me remember fun times and it puts my life in perspective. It also shows trends in my interests, the people I spend time with etc... I like to review it. So far, I feel this year has been tame in personal matters, but occupationally, very challenging. Last year, my social life was so abundant, and work was so tame. How do things switch like that so fast?  I had two different types of readings from the Buddhist temple for 2015 and 2016. Last year the reading said that my karma had ripened and fruit was ready for the picking. This year my reading said I needed to sow some more seeds of intention and wait for the conditions to be right. Apparently, my karma is not as good this year. I need to work a little more the dharma. Most importantly, I need to make some changes in life that include getting rid of a bad habit. I do believe in these readings as they appear to suit the signs of the times.

I want 2016 to be full of life but not just during spring break. I need to make more of an effort to liven things up. I find that I am getting lazy. On weekends I don't mind staying at home. I want to just relax. I don't exercise as much.  I eat out less. I meditate. These are all good things. However, they don't add much variety to my life. I want adventure and I want peace. I want excitement and I want relaxation. I want friends, family, and a love life, but I also want my own time. I want a little bit of everything.  I don't want to look back at my planner at the end of the year and see that I only had fun during spring break and summer. I will do it all! I will remember to say yes to life at least once a week lol.

Happy and calm.

Every day is getting a bit better. Today I was actually quite happy throughout the day. First thing in the morning I was smiling and on my toes ready for work! Whatever the day was to bring to me I was determined to greet it with a smile! And guess what? It was a perfect work day! It was such a successful day I couldn't believe it myself. My heart was shining and beating so loud today even the heavens could hear.

This week I also got two gifts, kind of out of the blue. I got a SCOBY(a starter for making Kombucha at home) and milk kefir grains. I will have a little probiotics factory working out of my cupboard soon. I am happy for the fresh kefir grains even though I was a little bit reluctant to accept them at first. I use to have kefir grains and they pretty much took over the basement. Eventually, I had to let them go and it felt like a failed venture. But at the same time I am buying kefir now in a bottle to use in my smoothies and fresh probiotics are probably better than bottled ones so I am grateful. Maybe it is time to try again.

I got my Scoby from my cousin whom I got to know better last year. I didn't even know she enjoyed home fermentation. I was pretty ironic because I had bought a bottle of Kombucha the day she got in touch with me about her home brew. Now I have my own Scoby. Kombucha was something I've wanted to brew for a long time at home. Woot! I looked at my Kombucha today and it was already a little fizzy. I took a taste but it was pretty bland. Just gotta wait a little longer for more fermentation to take place and then i'll start experimenting with flavours and the double fermentation process. I feel a little in love with that SCOBY. It is alive after all and it's going to give me millions of beneficial bacteria and yeast that will only make my life awesome! Maybe the more I love it the better it will ferment for me. I am very grateful for my two gifts of probiotics. I must pay it forward once my babies start to grow!

On another note, the last two months I've been extremely stress. In the last two weeks, my sleep quality had gone down hill. The last two days was feeling like back in the day when I had full fledge insomnia. However, both times I slathered my insanity on Cheesefight and both nights I slept into the night afterwards because of it. For whatever reason writing releases my anxiety. I truly write for myself as no one reads my blog. Somehow it acts as a release even though it's not all that different than repeating stories in my head. The only audience afterall is me. Maybe it's the act of publishing it into the world wide web that feels like a form of letting go. I have private entries too and when they remain unpublished and hidden from sight those problems don't feel as far away.  I find it an interesting process. There are so many things to be grateful for. Good night world wide web. Thanks for listening to me.

Why??!!

Today by mid afternoon my anxiety had gone down. I feel good and positive. I felt more capable of dealing with different kinds of stress. After work I came home, ate dinner, watched tv and meditated for a bit. I was sooooo tired. For sure I was going to fall asleep. Why?! Why?!?!!!!! Why can't I sleep? And I keep thinking about things too, especially things I can't change or have control over at this very minute. It's frustrating not being able to rest. 

Yesterday after typing out my thoughts onto this blog I was finally able to sleep. I just cAnt get certain things off my mind. My mind knows it's not good to peserverate but the heart won't let go. 

While meditating today I did have an epiphany and it was how my body truly is the Universe. It kinda clicked. I am soothing myself. I am healing myself with the power I have within. It's not from something out there. All I need is within me as I am as big as the entire Universe bc I am a Universe. And I am the only Universe in my life that's real. 

Once an insomniac, always an insomniac.

I miss those days when I passed out at 10pm regularly. I don't know how that trend started but my sleep cycle had regulated itself for a while until now. It appears I still have the insomnia disease. And it also appears that the first thing my mind tends to do in uncomfortable life changes is obsess and try to control situations via video feedback loop in my cerebral movie theatre. I so envy those that can lay their head on a pillow and disappear into pleasant dreams after a hard day. 

I've had a very interesting new year. 2016, leap year, a year of much growth for sure. I feel it's my body revolts to the new changes in my life. I think perhaps my 2015 was too easy going and comfortable so 2016 got kicked up a notch. Must of been the calm before the storm. 

I am feeling a little disappointed in the fact that I cannot sleep right now as it is right now that I really need the mental healing and alertness that comes with a restful nights sleep. If this continues I'm going to be majorly burnt out. I am so looking forward to every weekend where I can sit alone in peace like a vegetable. I fully brace and enjoy the restful state of mind I conjure up in morning meditation. I am intending hard for peace of mind. This all started with work place stress. Yet tonight I feel tortured. Not only am

I now fixated on work, I have all the anxiety inducing loops in my brain going off at the same time. 

Ex of loops in quick succession.::Which phone should I buy? But it's too expensive. Unlocked or 2 year contract? They plans cost so much. But I need one soon. I can't afford it if I want to visit my grandfather. Will anyone pick me up from the airport. I don't want to miss the opportunity to see him. Why do all the flights depart at 6:55am?!!!  I really need a break. I feel scared. What if it happens again? What if I don't do a good job? What are the consequences of that? This is sucking the life out of me. I need a hug. I'm single and there is no one to hug me right now. Where can I get that hug?  I miss my ex. I wish my ex would hug me. Why did we have to break up? Maybe I should text him. But I'm supposed to be trying to stay away from him. If I don't stop talking to him I'll be single forever. I don't want to be single forever. But he feels like the one. He's the one I want to be with. But he doesn't want to be with me so he's not the one. But I don't like anyone else. I'm never going to have feelings for anyone else after this. Ok stop thinking about this. It's a waste of time.  I really need a cuddle. I'm so tired. I'm not going to be at my best tomorrow if I can't sleep.  What if I can't preform because I'm too tired to notice something important.  I can't handle this anymore. Now I don't want to go out on Friday with my friend. I feel I need space. But I don't want to disappoint her. I need a break!!!! Why isn't meditation working??? I can't visualize anything. I'm doomed::: this is just a minor example of how this insomnia will kill me. 

Endless thinking. Can't stop it. No one is awake for me to talk to. So instead I just do this other version of talking to myself...  Transference of obsessive ramblings through blog.  I hope they stay here tonight and allow me a moments of rest. 

I'm going to try meditation again.