Happy New Year

2015 will soon be the past. The next few hours are what's left of a beautiful year. This year has been an incredible year of growth and learning. 

Tonight I choose to celebrate the New Year alone. I chose to be with me, in solitude and in peace. In my heart, I feel immense contentment. I feel this transition is sacred. I am looking forward to the new year, new beginnings and more adventures, more tales to share and more love in this world. 

We never know what is around the corner. We never know what obstacles we will face and what boundaries we will break. We don't know what plain looking doors lead to great discoveries. 

When the clock strikes midnight I will let go of all the experiences of 2015. I won't compare them to the new, i won't let them hold me back and I won't cling on to them for comfort. I will forgive all the things I did not accomplish, forgive all those that have hurt me and give a moment of gratitude to all that I have recieved and all that I have learned. 

I will not carry the past into what's coming next. I wish happiness and health to all, to everyone, even to those I am fearful of and those who did not show love to me. Instead, I wish for the world and everyone in it to heal themselves. I wish for the world to become a more compassionate and loving home. 

This is what my wish is. 

For now, 

Thank you 2015. Can't wait to see what's around the corner. 

Praying for the world

Today I am so sad. Yesterday there were terrorist attacks in Paris. I heard about it on the radio while driving home from work. I think it's 129 dead... 99 critically injured. The news kind of blew me away. Immediately I started to tear up. So much sadness, pain and hatred.  Why is it so senseless? The news was a little overwhelming. Then the realization that my parents were in Europe really freaked me out. I still haven't heard from them. I just want them to come home now. They are not headed to Paris but they are in France for part of their trip. I am trying to just keep busy until I hear from them but I think I need to go to the center today and light some candles. Light candles for those in Paris, light candles for loss, light candles for hatred and light candles for my mom and dad to come home safe. 

I'm worried and I feel awful at the realization of all this senseless violence. Why? 

I pray for those in Paris. I pray for my family. I pray for all those worried about loved ones right now or those who are in fear and I add my gratefulness that at this moment in Canada we get to wake up feeling safe. We are lucky that we can still choose to ignore what's going on in other parts of the world because our country has not yet been touched by such violence. Yet the worlds future seems incredibly uncertain at the moment. I pray and hope for peace. I pray for my parents to return safely. I pray for the world to heal itself. 

... I changed my title from "Praying for Paris" to " Praying for the world". 

Art is a meditation

I've been drawing a lot lately and have created a goal for myself. Aside from the enjoyable nature of drawing I also like the challenge. Lately, with all those zen doodling I've come up with some rules that came from nowhere. 

1) all free hand with pen, no pencil

2) start with a small and random doodle and see what you can turn it into. 

3) when a mistake occurs one must include the mistake in the plan even if it means a new plan 

4) no scrapping art work. Must finish all work until satisfied 

So, obviously, following my normal pattern of behaviour this has become an obsessive activity. But I like the challenge. 

In most situations drawing keeps me extremely present. I don't think about anything else. I also get extremely inspired but the inspiration is all internal. I draw for myself and not for others and in that I have learned to appreciate my ability to draw. I recognize I am not the best or most creative in the entire world but I can now appreciate the enjoyment I get from it, and also allow myself to feel proud of my creations. 

If I can learn to live life with those same principles applied to all things,not just drawing, what would life be like? 

Art is a way towards inner peace. It's a meditation.

My work today minus one. 

Today's work turned out to be more simple and with a lot of soft curves. 

Zen Doodles

Art is  my life saver in so many ways. Today I must admit I was not very happy about something. However it was something I had no control over. So I started drawing a little and I really got into making these zen doodles which is just a fancy term for doodling. I can draw a lot in a short period of time if I'm in the zone. So tonight, I drew 9 drawings within hours. 7 of them I love and will share.

I love how art really takes your mind off things. 

Happy Birthday Medicine Buddha!

Today is Medicine Buddha's birthday. I celebrated at Bodhi Meditation Center in Richmond. It was a 3 hour ceremony. There were many familiar faces from the retreat as well as familiar faces from all the activities I've attended. The ceremony was lead by master Judy. They had member share stories of how meditation helped them and encouragement to continue the practice. We chanted together and gave thanks together. I forgot how powerful it is when a large group chants in unison. The mantra tunes of the Buddha's are so ethereal sounding. It's hard not to feel something.

There were hundreds of people there today. We all had lunch and cake there. I was grateful to be part of such an amazing community. It reminds me to continue my practice. Happy Birthday Medicine Buddha. Thank you for all the compassion you have given me and all the teachings I've received by you through others.

Today they gave everyone a personal blessing by a Guanyin statue that was won at an auction many years ago. The story is that Master Bodhi had this statue in his hands and at a retreat he asked everyone if they wanted to see a miracle occur. He covered the statue's face and slowly began to lift his hand off of her face. The crowd saw the statue's eyes, which were closed,  slowly lift as if it were waking up. Everyone was astounded. He said that was a lesson to the disciples that anything is possible. When I had my Medicine Buddha statue blessed by Thrangu Rinpoche one of my teachers said that the spirit of the Buddha lives in the statue now. It's a living entity. That Guanyin statue went missing years ago. Perhaps the living spirit inside the statue needed to be elsewhere. No one knew where it had gone. Some people speculated that Master Jin Bodhi had taken it with him on his travels however no one was brave enough to ask him. Weeks before today's ceremony they had found this Guanyin statue with the open eyes in a cabinet that had, to everyone's memory, been empty for the longest time. When they found the statue they were so happy. It was the return of the spirit. They brought it into the great hall and a large group of people chanted to it. It was reported that day a double rainbow appeared in the sky over the meditation center in Richmond. The centered believed that on Medicine Buddha's birthday Guanyin had returned to also give a blessing. We were lucky enough to be blessed with a sprinkling of water from a Guanyin bamboo shoot just before walking underneath statue. It's hard not to look at those eyes when you bow at her.

I know the story sounds fantastical but I would like to believe what I hear from this community is true. All their intentions have only seemed to be of compassion and caring. They never ask for anything. They just want you to meditate and be happy. I am so grateful for their service. I had taken something away with from my 8.5 day retreat that I didn't have before and that was compassion towards my parents. I have always loved them very much but it was often a frustrating relationship for me. However, going to Bodhi really helped me bring my love out for them, appreciate them and for that I am ever grateful because that's what I wanted. I have so much more to learn...but thank you Medicine Buddha, Guan Yin, Master Jin Bodhi and the community at Bodhi Meditation for their amazing contribution to society.

Those awakening moments.

The rain has finally arrived in Vancouver. We've had several rainy weekends already. I spend tonight at home, cozy and indoors.  The evening seems long when there is nothing planned in particular. I've spent most of the night watching TV and working on my creative endeavours. In fact, I was working on my Christmas gifts which is something I love to do. I make crafts for my friends and coworkers every year as I like to experiment and create all the things I see other crafty people do on the internet. However, I ran out of supplies pretty early on which meant I was channel surfing most of the night.

Sometimes I think I have the TV on for purposes of auditory stimulation rather than entertainment as I don't necessarily find the content very riveting. I can change channels for hours and watch things I don't have interest in at all. I know there are better ways to spend my time. I have finally turned off the television and what I am now left with is the silence of the night and the sound of the rain outside.  Hearing it shocked me a little as I wasn't really thinking about what the weather was like outside. Yet, right away, I noticed it's sound was so peaceful and calming. It made me think that my evening would have been more enjoyable if I had allowed myself to just sit quietly with the TV off and listen to the rain. I'll experiment with that tomorrow.

This beauty inspires me.  It sparks thoughts in me and inspires me to write.

It's often amazes me how conditioned we are to experience things through a filter. Personally, my filter affects me daily and in such a constant way I don't even know it's there most of the time. I don't attend to my surroundings in any meaningful way aside from avoiding objects in my direct path to keep from physical harm. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that category. Sometimes I'm driving somewhere and when I arrive I have no clue how I got there. Other times I walk towards a room with a purpose and when I get there I've already forgotten what that purpose was. My mind is always busy with another agenda... or agendas and most of the time I'm not even in on the agendas. Ever think that you were not thinking about anything until you realize you were complaining in your head for goodness knows how long or maybe you were running a scenario in your head over and over again? That happens to me all the time. There really is two of me in my head, the one watching and the one that is on automatic pilot.

Once in a while, like tonight,  I have glimpses of reality where I notice how something seemingly ordinary is actually an amazing miracle. I assume these are moments, very rare moments, when my automatic pilot has clocked out for whatever reason, and is no longer clouding my perception. During these moments, ordinary things are experienced as if experienced for the first time. Why is that? I will never forget these moments because they incredibly unique. Before today there were 3 other times I've had such experiences. 1) Once when I was walking along the Richmond dyke.  I had gone there because I needed to exercise away some of my very negative thoughts. I had walked maybe 3 KM (probably crying all that time) and the entire time my mind was replaying something I had labelled as an awful event in my life when I suddenly noticed a sound.  The tree next to me was whispering and shimmering at all once. A breeze had come through and was *kissing the tree. It sounded like a chorus of "shhh... shhhh...shhhh". Not only did the sound wake me,  the leaves on the tree were dancing back and forth and showing their dark green leafs and shiny backsides making the tree look incredibly vibrant. I stared at it for a long time. It silenced me. I even recorded that tree singing as a video on my phone because it was a turning point for me from a very dark time in my life. That tree then cued me to look around the dyke and notice the chirping birds and insects. What I noticed was that were all doing fine. I noticed the weather. The weather was nice. I noticed the breeze. The breeze was comforting. Everything was fine. Everything I thought was wrong in my life at the time was actually fine. I was so grateful. Never in my life was I so grateful to a tree. 2) Another time I was in the River District trying to do some sketches. I was trying to pay very close attention to some seagulls that were flying when I suddenly noticed the mechanical details of their wings while in flight. I thought to myself, I must have seen this a million times but I've never really seen it until now. Their wings almost moved in slow motion. Seeing all the minute details that allowed the bird to soar into the sky seemed so deliberate, part of a plan, natural and special.  I realized being present was paramount to being a creative person and I needed to attend more to nature and my surroundings so I could connect to beauty. It changed my work habits towards my creative work. 3) Once when I was sitting outside during the evening at a resort in Henderson, Nevada, just looking at the stars in the sky and suddenly I felt very connected. Actually that was the first time I ever felt that connection to nature. It just gave me a very a light and happy feel. I was very young then, in my early 20's maybe, but I did notice it was a different experience than all the other times I looked into the night sky. 4) Now, today, is the 4th time when I turned the TV off and heard the rain outside.

Each and every time I've felt this way I was by myself. I don't think that is a coincidence. Thinking about this today made me really cherish my alone time. I mean, some experiences you can only have with yourself and I've only experienced these moments on my own. I thought about why that may be. My conclusion was that when your alone maybe your overworked automatic pilot feels it can take a break but when you are with someone else, I don't think your can autopilot clock out. It's a social entity. It thrives on drama and scenarios. If it doesn't engage during social time where will it continue to get it's material from? Everyone needs a break. Maybe we should give it permission to do that more often.

Writing is cathartic for me. It's  a really good way for me to organize my thoughts so that they make sense to me. I also love writing about my experiences as they are a reminder for me to stay grounded and also to look for the beauty in all things all the time... and... also to remember. Our lives move so fast, it's easy to forget all the things that make life worth living. I appreciate all the reminders. Share your experiences with me if you have similar ones. I'd love to hear about them.

Lighten up

What good does it do for me, in this current moment, to fixate on an old story? I asked myself that question while I felt upset about a situation that I took for an enemy. Today I was angered, hurt and felt left out during a situation. Those are terrible feelings and I was consumed.  Within a split second the had pitched a tent in the obsessive part of my brain and set up camp. They stoked the fires of complaint and self-righteousness until the smoke covered everything else. They gave me a driving force to go out and destroy friendships and yell foul but deep down inside, luckily, I still knew it was not the right thing to do. Instead I went to a trusted friend and tried to vent. She didn't allow me to make this a bigger situation than it was. So I had to sit on my own with my feelings. I had to just watch myself and reflect. Knowing they came from the accumulation of many moments in the past and not just this one incident I knew it was unfair to feel so terribly justified in my negativity. But it was still so hard to change my feelings. I was still illogically stuck. I had to help myself find my way back to appreciation and love for those in my life.  I ended up asking myself what difference does this situation really make in my life right now? A small event may have hurt my feelings but only because I chose to think the worst. I chose to hold it tight.  I was only making myself more and more miserable the more I consumed it. I made up everyone's reasons, I accused them all in my mind and at the end of it all, it really was all in MY mind. I really don't know anything and even if I did It really didn't matter. At that moment I was able to let go of it all and I had started to work on a project. But...My mind was a circus frenzy on autopilot. Without my consent I had moved on... But onto another old story. I didnt even realized I was thinking about anything until I realized I was still feeling unhappy. I stopped all I was doing so I could be the witness of my thoughts. What was making me feel miserable again? Upon observation it appeared that My thoughts were in a loop just playing an older sad story. A story that I often found was a default program that my mind latched onto.  I had to ask myself again.  Why? Why do you come up all the time and make me sad?  How does this apply to me now? What does this old story springing to life add to my current situation? The answer is always nothing but self imposed torture. I asked the story to go away. I spent some time practicing gratitude for the very thing that held so much pain in my heart. 

It's hard to stick to reality when your mind keeps playing old movies and puts you in a time machine. It's hard to remember where you are. It's so easy to forget to pay attention. I work really hard on staying present as I feel that I have a very weak mind sometimes, or at least a very loud one. My mind is petty too. It doesn't like to forgive. It's dramatic. It likes to cling to high emotion. It's a warrior. It always wants to be right. It always wants to win. It's also a victim. It feels life is unfair. But I know these are not truths.   Today I learned to ask myself what purpose does this hold? What is the use of this thinking at this moment? It made me dissect the movie reel. 

Maybe I'm still grieving over all the loss I've experienced in my life. I'm unable to let go of all the things I've done wrong or others have done wrong. Trauma comes in so many forms. Actions at first. Their remains become the horror movies of our subconscious. The past cannot be undone no matter how often My brain replays it. The pain, the lessons will always be there.  All I can do is look at where I am now. All I can do is try and learn my lesson. All I can do is be grateful for what I still have. I know that what remains are still little and big gifts.  Life is way bigger those little stories. And I must see the beauty of what I have now before I realize they too have gone to dust while I was unconscious. Living in the past is no way to live. I'm grateful for this lesson today. I'm grateful for bring the witness off thoughts. 

Who was it that said "when in darkness just lighten up!". Was it Brene Brown or Rhonda Brynes? Whoever it was I owe them a thanks. For those times I am clouded in a darkness I can't even see for myself I must remember the key is to lighten myself up. And that light will help me remain present... For a little longer at least. 

Today was a great day

Today was a great day. It wasn't supposed to be. In fact, today was the day that everything was supposed to go wrong. Today was a day that was supposed to be anxiety filled. What happened to the today I was expecting?

I am so grateful for today. I was looking back on it to see what went "wrong". There were so many unexpected surprised. Little joys to celebrate.

Listing some of the major players of the day
1) Started with coming up with a plan in the midst of chaos and everyone coming together to support this new plan. These are the best people.
2) Started driving to work while listening to The Power. Started writing a little book of inspiring quotes. Maybe it sets a tone.
3) Students were all in good moods. Even the angry ones were somewhat sedated today.
4) Met a lot of smiles in the hallways. Saw lots of smiles when eyes locked. It made each step easier. Made each problem seems smaller. Today I gave free food away. People really like you when you give them free food!
5) Made an effort to talk to some one I cared about. We talked about life. It was a nice shared experience.
6) A boy who usually shuts down on me opened up shared about his experience today. He shared his happiness. He asked about how his sister was doing. HE opened up. I didn't even have to try.
7) Made soup for a family I've worked with for a long time. I made it because the boy I work with can't have milk or wheat. I found a great recipe for a creamy soup that used rice and eggs. They ate it all up. Everyone liked it so much that they all got seconds and some got thirds. SUCCESS!

They all seem like little things but they made the day AMAZING. I'm so grateful for today. I guess it does make a difference if you give a little, if you share and if you smile at someone. So many people smiled at me today and it gave me the energy to be more patient and to give more love. I am going to smile... all day tomorrow.

Being the observer

The older I get the more I learn. Circumstances and situations really change in a blink of an eye. The situation could be yourself, someone else or an attachment to something. But whatever it is, it's not stable. I figure things change when the time is right. The Universe will mold itself around you so you go where you are supposed to go rather than where you think you should be going. 

I'm grateful for all things that have been presented to me and all the opportunities I've gotten. I know more are to come and I welcome all of it. I've now learned to trust in the way things work. There is so much available for you than what you can only imagine in your mind. The reality we create for ourselves can be so limiting sometimes. When the door swings open, walk through. 

Everything is temporary

I was thinking to myself just now about how things are temporary.  Our moments are, inspirations, our friends and parents but most importantly even we are temporary. We all know we will die one day but it never feels that way. But we really aren't here to stay. It seems so ridiculous to live life by repeatedly infecting ourselves with negative thoughts. When I think how we are temporary and every day and moment is really just an extended minute or a day we get in this lifetime I really don't want to spend it with any negativity. That is something I will remind myself always whenever I allow things in life to get me down. I will think this minute is a gift. It's not a privilege. I shouldn't waste it as many did not get this one minute like I did. 

There have been so many deaths in my circle lately that these thoughts repeat themselves in my mind. I want to take a lesson away from the pain of losing people in our lives. Those who are still here, cherish them. While we are still here, enjoy the life you have. Never take anyone you love for granted. Even when you feel too exhausted or tired to care, you won't regret reaching out one more time. Let go of things that hold you back. Let your eyes experience the things that break your mind open. Make everyday count even if you have nothing to do that day. Every day is a choice my love. 

Favourite quotes of the week!

Summer time

I love summer time. We had the hottest summer ever in Vancouver. In fact, it was so hot I refused to leave the house if i didn't have to for about 2 weeks. 

Just some updates. This year was pretty interesting. I had a very fruitful early winter. Going into spring there were many weddings to attend and many friends to see. I went to Kelowna for a wedding too and it was nice to leave the city for a bit. I also put a down payment on a condo so my life style has changed a bit. 

There have been some additions and substractions in my personal life. Things always keep changing. Never know what's around the corner. That's a good thing though. Things only change to teach you. Things are only removed so you can grow. You only obtain the things that belong to you to begin with. Yet nothing will ever stay the same. 

I did end up going to the 8.5 day meditation retreat. I think it has really changed me. I continue to attend group meditations and events there. I keep experiencing things I can't explain. It's an exciting journey. Everything in life happens for a reason. Just don't question life. It's working for you as long as you slow down for a moment and listen to it whisper to you. In every moment we get a choice. We can choose consciously or blindly. Either way we keep getting what we ask for whether be feel that way or not. 

I am always feeling grateful now. So grateful. Try giving thanks everyday. Most of us have everything we need. We don't have to make life so complicated and so disatisfying. Do you complain more than you cherish? Is there always something that you think is wrong with your life? I try and spend my time thinking of all the things right with my world. I try not to be attached to outcomes and be open to changes in life. I also try to not expect anything from others. I let go of the control a little bit and you know what? It feels pretty good. At the end of the day you can look back at your life and think of everything that you don't like about it or you can just look at right now and think of how to make it better. Now. 

Peace and love. 

Thrifting... My love and obsession

I have a new obsession. Well... Not new. I've been thrifting for kitchenware and knick knacks for many years now but i usually zone in on a particular type of collectible at a time. Once upon a time it was antique tea ware. It took me years to collect enough beautiful teacups to the point that I can't imagine any other addition making much of a difference. So now I'm onto to vintage milk glass. This includes mainly Pyrex but I do collect random milk glass kitchen pieces from  other manufacturers. I also collect milk glass vases. I really do love and cherish each piece I have. I also love the history behind it all. I love the how vintage items have lived past their prime and are still in tip top condition. I also love the craftsmanship and thought put into the pieces. They are not your ordinary white porcelain or glass bowl or plate. There was some love out into those dishes. 

Today's post is a special post on thrifting strAnge I sometimes encounter. There are so many odd and sometimes ugly things found at the thrift store. Things thT make you question why anyone would buy it or why the store decided to sell it at a price that didn't seem reasonable. 

I love finding the thrift stranges. Here are some. 

Ugly trivets... It's rare to see a trivet but today I spotted two. This one was particularly ugly. I'm sure it was of some past contemporary design where everyone had metal flower decals on cups, plates, wine glasss... 

The second strange trivet spotted...

Cast iron dog trivet. Craiglist add placement: must love dogs lol. So unusual for a kitchen piece 

Creepy figurines are another thing common to thrifting. Today I gather a collection of creepy figurines for a horrifying display. 

Stand cats with feather head dresses. Two figurines with bleeding black eyes. Creepy clown and creepy old lady. How long has that clown been in that bag?? Brrr.  Last but not least giant rooster with gawking eyes. This picture deserves a zoom in. 

I think the most frightening item at the shop today was a handmade mask. Looked like a school project gone wrong. Such things were not meant for the thriftstore. The mom who donated it should have kept it packed away in a box and burried in an attic so that future home owners would have a good scare while riffling through things left behind. Cliche horror story moment.  

Why did someone price that at $2.99??? It's so scary.

Some interesting finds at the store today. 

Here's a quick overview. 

Large glass bead pineapple???

Dog calender. I think this is actually pretty cool. They should combine it with the trivet and other dog paraphenalia and make a doggy basket with it.  

Yet another pineapple but this time made with paper. Next to it is a beautiful metal and wood box made in India. I really liked it but have no use for it. 

Mason jar wine glass!!! From Bubbagumps too!  People be swipin from the dining table. 

Last but not least... Totally cute vintage teapots. I did not bring anything home today but it sure was a fun spread. 

Daily thrifting leads to great rewards. 

Soon to come... Some of my favourite thrifted items. 

Peace out! 

A window into a spiritual journey...try to get back to the good place.

When I listen to "The Secret" or "The Power" it says to that if you give off a negative feeling it will come back at you later. Today I encountered a moment when I was triggered. There are certain situations that will set me off and rolling waves of anger, frustration and resentment will come into me. They are hard to shut off. It's like a collective of the same situation happening over and over again and even if it's a single event it feels like every similar event that has happened in the last 20 years. Needless to say I need to learn to let go of certain things. Everyone has pet peeves... So my pet peeve showed up again today and though I did not get noticeably angry when it happened and tried to remain calm and supportive I was upset inside.  The feeling wouldn't go away. I tried to just feel it. I tried to ignore it. But eventually I had to tell someone how I felt and it including blaming another in my rant.  I was not supposed to gossip anymore too! It's so hard!

Conclusion... felt a bit guilty afterwards and still did not feel better. Those thoughts still lingered. But here's where things come back...

While driving and alert (except for the constant complaining in my head) someone turned right while I was driving straight and tried to cross two lanes into the second lane in which I was driving (obviously without looking). He was going SUPER fast and nearly crashed into me. I honked soooooo hard and braked with all my might.  Luckily we did not crash into each other as he eventually swerved into the other lane. It was a really close call. I took that as the negativity coming back at me (almost instantly) and the Universe telling me to stop repeating bad stories in my head. I tried to stay conscious for the rest of the drive.

That's my story for the day. I wanted to make note of this story as evidence that my negative thinking brought about more negative circumstances to me. I hope this will keep me conscious and help me change my thinking. I really want to focus on the good, in every situation, and continue moving forward, whether there are small or big unwanted changes in life. In the past, when I was negative, it had affected more than one area of life. I learn this lesson constantly. How do I maintain that lesson when I am emotionally high? I guess I keep getting moments to practice this until I get there.

I am thinking of joining an 8 day retreat at Bohdi Meditation in the summer as I've seen it do wonders for someone I know. My friend is so inspired by the change she sees in her family and herself after joining this center and meditating with dedication. Some changes that she noted was that her son has lessened anxiety and maladaptive behaviours. After 2 months of intense medication he has been taken off his anti-psychotic meds. I have never seen him so calm. He's relaxed. Smiles more. And he voices when he's uncomfortable or needs help. My friend has experienced a change in her reactions when she is met with opposing behaviour. She doesn't react in anger anymore. She just let's go. She said it was from the meditation as well as the lessons they were receiving from the center. Sounds like a miracle really.

I've been on a spiritual journey for a while now. There are ups and downs in this journey. Some sections are high and some are low. Some days you feel like you've gotten there. You are feel super content, happier, and cheerful. Other days it's a struggle to feel inspired or connected to "life".  "Life" is that joy in experiencing situations and people. Where you heart feels open and forgiving for all things.  When you have that lack of connectedness I think your mind might find a way to wander. It looks into the past and looks for reasons why you don't feel right. Then you gotta fight that mind to stay and come back to where you are. I don't feel like myself recently. It's been hard to not absorb negativity. But I am reminding myself that during the good times it's as important to practice the gratitude and love that is more effortless than in times that are hard. Just got to be consistent.  I will work on being grateful for my life which I am.  But I will work on feeling that way more in everyday moments. I think my mind is always somewhere in the clouds... can't see that clearly right now but at least I know it.

The two life lessons I learned today

April... has come and gone. It's already May! It seems as you get older time moves faster. Maybe it's like that story... when do you start heading out of the forest?... only when you reach the center. So maybe I'm at the center of my life now and I'm on my way out. Always...make every moment count.

In the last couple of weeks I have celebrated two friend's marriages, met a distant nephew of mine, gone to the Okanagan and ate and drank lots! Life is abundant is so many ways.

I've had two life lessons that I want to share that I've discovered recently...

1) Love... is our nature. I read it all the time but reading has very little to do with actual understanding and feeling. Today I was looking at my niece and I learned something. How many times have we walked this Earth feeling unlovable, unhappy, looking for love in all the wrong places and feeling a general lack of love... for yourself, for life, for others etc etc... We are all guilty of this once in a while. But look at your history and your history is love. From the moment of conception a body sacrificed itself to nourish you out of love. The Universe loved you so much it continue your conception into birth. For the fortunate ones we were born to family that loved us unconditionally, even when we didn't deserve it and even when we didn't give it back. That means even in times when we were most unlovable, like when we had soiled diapers, cried all night, threw a tantrum, was a teenager, an angry resentful adult, or whatever it may be.... even if it looked like people didn't love you, they did. You were made from the cushion of love and blessed by love. You are what you are made of and you are made by love. No matter where we go in search of what we think love is we can be free to know it's been within us all along. We are already loved, all the time, even when we allow our minds to take over and not love ourselves. Children teach me so much.  My niece probably doesn't know how loved she is. Each time something doesn't go her way in life she might see life as an enemy for that moment but in reality it's a forgiving world that loves her no matter what. That applies to all of us. It proves we have a great ability to love ourselves if we can love others so much.

2) Second lesson I learned today came from a student of mine that was learning about "slime mold" in his biology class. He wanted me to see a video about how scientist are trying to use the behaviour of slime mold to determine the best and most efficient ways to build subway stations in big cities like Tokyo. They put some slime mold in a pitri dish and scatter bits of oatmeal all over the dish. If you watch the video you will see that from a single point the slime mold begins to branch out and find the oatmeal. What's really interesting is that the branching is not random. The slime mold knows exactly where to go and how to reach it's goal of eating oatmeal. It b-lines for the grains. Slime mold has no brain. It has no obstacles. It just lives it's life and does it's thing and it hits the jack pot every time. It's directed by the power of the Universe and not by the power of thoughts. It creates the most efficient path to it's goal just by being slime mold. If we all stop struggling and just tried to be will we reach our goal of getting to where we are meant to be? The slime mold video moment was like evidence to me that the Universe has a plan for you. It has a most efficient plan, actually, to get you where you need to be if we don't resist.  If we want food... it will get us food. If we want money... it will get us money. If we want love... it was give us love. All things we want we can have... we just have to wish it and go with the flow of life.

*** update (days later)... so I researched the slime mold further and it's process of finding food isn't accurately stated above. I do love the idea that it just knows where to go because it's guided by the Universe but it's just not so. The slime old spreads out and branches out everywhere. When it finds food it strengthens that branch allowing it to access the food in the fastest way possible. Those branches that lead out to nothing get reabsorbed and the energy used to power those branches goes to the ones that are absorbing nutrients. The slime mold can identify and create a network of nutrients efficiently within a day in a petri dish. It can get so big that the naked eye can see the branches. It's patterns are beautiful. For a brainless creature it's very intelligent. So now that I know more accurate information about the slime mold I was trying to figure out what the slime could teach us about being successful in life. It's life is simple. Get food and grow. Get food and grow. Strengthen the bonds that nurture you now. Don't put any more energy into areas once ventured that offer you nothing. This is how you grow. Slime mold is wise.

I love slime mold.

A frustrating moment...need to let it out.

I've been feeling frustrated lately and a little down. No matter how hard I try to be positive and put on a happy face I don't feel it. There are moments that I do feel happy but they are fleeting. However, so are all emotions. I just want to feel at peace. I just want to feel complete and like I belong somewhere.  I have fantastic friends and family, I live in a beautiful city but I don't always feel like I belong anywhere?  So often, I feel like I am just wandering and not too sure where to go. This is the little frustration that seems to remain after all the other feelings go away. That is something that's hard for me to sweep under the rug. Is this a universal thing or is it just me?

Sometimes you find a place of belonging because it's a place of love. It is a place that nurtures you and makes you feel safe. Why is that place not always there? Shouldn't it be? No matter what shakes your life your place should always be there. You should always have a emotional home you can go to that will take care of you, love you and cherish you. I wish for everyone to have that. That's what everyone deserves. Everything I am reading right now speaks to how important it is to love yourself. I suppose that place should be YOU. But it's so hard to love yourself. It's much easier to see the good in others. It's much easier to admire others. Even when others see the good in you, you know there is so much more they don't know. What's hard to feel is the internal struggles I know we all go through. I've had so many special people in my life who have taught me that pain runs deep in all of us, however, on the surface we all just smile. Maybe it's an insecurity we all feel. According to research most people hate themselves more than they love themselves.

Brene Brown, a shame, vulnerability and wholehearted living researcher says you can't love others more than you love yourself. So if  I want anything in life that is important I need to love me first. That's the only way I can love my job, love my passions and love a partner wholeheartedly. She termed wholeheartedness as being all in, all in for life, and all in for circumstances. Someone who is wholehearted is unafraid of being vulnerable and allows others to see their imperfections, owns them and empathizes with other. It's like living in a truth that accepts all circumstances. Sounds wonderful. Wholehearted people don't have rose colored glasses. They haven't gone through less painful circumstances in life than others. However, what Brene Brown found was that wholehearted people were grateful. They weren't born with a grateful gene or were more inclined to being grateful.  They mindfully practiced gratefulness all the time. They chose to be grateful when there were times of difficulty. Wholehearted people also made time for play. They tried to enjoy life. She termed play as when you do something enjoyable and you can lose track of time doing it.

It shows me I have a long way to go for self development. But if I look at my old self I know I have already walked so many steps towards who I am to become. I still struggle, in fact, I think I struggle more now as I am always trying to evaluate what is going on inside and being mindful of that. I am also way more aware of others and their needs. My younger self was pretty blind. My younger self was pretty arrogant. After reading some of Brene Brown's books I had a lot to think about. I must love myself, right?  Sometimes when you sit around feeling decent you think that's self love but now I don't know if it is. Maybe it's just a moment of relief from the talk going on in my head all the time. Sometimes I think I just tolerate myself. I know sometimes I hate myself. Other feelings I have towards myself self are impatience, anger, disappointment, and feeling proud to name a few.  But when do I ever feel like I LOVE me? That's a hard one. When I think about it I can't think of any moment where I really loved myself. I never felt that I am fine just the way I am, and that even the things I don't like about myself is OK because I love myself that much. That's how I would feel towards someone else. It's also way harder to forgive myself that to forgive another. There were very few moments when I felt like I was so glad that I was here. I know I have felt grateful for many people I have encountered in my life but that feeling I've never had for myself. How do you love yourself? What are the signs that you love yourself? Loving yourself now has become a foreign concept to me.

Another popular book on Amazon.com call "Love yourself like your life depended on it." said to repeatedly say to yourself in your mind "I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... etc..." the entire day instead of festering in negative thoughts or replaying stories in your head of things you didn't want to happen. It's to be treated like a 24/7 mantra. I tried that today and I feel that focusing on "loving myself" made me feel so frustrated. Although it did help me curb my thoughts from negative thinking or negative stories repeating in my mind, or finding solutions to stories from the past that have no resolution the moment I stopped saying that I felt kinda dumb. Then I felt bad about feeling dumb because that was not loving myself. Ugh... Where's the reward? They say there is a reward when you do these things? All these things will magically happen for you. You will meet all these amazing people. Your dreams will come true if you set your intentions and emanate love. Your body will heal all of it's diseases. Your relationships will improve in quality. This guy swears miracles happened after weeks of repeatedly saying "I love myself... I love myself" I didn't have the patience to last through the morning. I feel like I'm losing faith in love. I've tried to be a generator of love. I've tried playing fair. I've given and helped people in need. I do things for others. I do things for myself. I go have a good time.  I've tried to do to learn from my past but it seems like it doesn't make a difference in any actual life situations. The same circumstances come up. Any different approach I try always leads to the same results.

I know my life is full. It's full of so many things. I've had great experiences. I am not being ungrateful but I do feel down. I am trying to make sense of all my experiences and all that I've tried to accomplish. So many things don't make sense to me. I'm sulking right now because I think I haven't really dealt with some pain recently. I thought I dealt with it but it's obviously still here and it's invading my mind. The stories won't leave me alone. But I've been through wayyyyyy worse than this story so I don't know why my mind can't let things go. I've let go of so many things...why not this? Why doesn't it get easier? Seriously... after a while, with enough practice, things should be easier... like practice makes perfect...so not true when it comes to emotions. They don't go right away. You don't bounce back quick enough. It's just really hard. I am getting frustrated with myself for not being able to heal faster. I have never been a quick healer, but there should be some improvement...

 Tomorrow I will tell myself I love myself again and again and try to create that safe place that's always there for me so that I will always be emotionally available for those around me because right now and for weeks now... I don't feel I have been. If I am there for anyone, it's through much internal struggle of putting on a happy face. I'm so tired. I feel distant and emotional.  How do you not get just get jaded. Why do things still mean so much... ugh...

At the end of the day, maybe this is just a very egoic day and I have lost the battle to my ego. It's probably over inflated with these new stories.  It's probably tapped into every emotional trigger I have so that I will go crazy.  I can deal with this... I love myself... I love myself... I shall be grateful for whatever is causing me frustration and pain because ultimately it helps me understand myself better and helps me become a better person. When I come out of this I'll be stronger than before and I can be there for others the way I want to be. Right now, I just gotta be there for me because I think I really need it.

Something put my mind at ease just now so I wanted to add it onto this post. Thoughts: Where I've been has definitely brought me to this place right now. It did not take me down a dark road, in fact all things have only been good for me. So, although I'm struggling right now this is where I need to be and what I need in order to get to my ultimate destination. I gotta keep that in mind and not get get stuck in my mind instead. I need a little more trust. 

Thanks to whoever posted that message. 

I am saying no to gossip. Consider it a spiritual cleanse.

Gossip. We are all guilty of it. We have all been at the brunt of it or the instigators of it. We have all been within the circle of gossiping or on the outside looking in. Gossip is something that connects us. Gossip is a good excuse to relieve stress. It is a good excuse to "express emotions" and release some frustrations. But in reality it's just an ugly act and it's an immature way of dealing with emotions. I don't want to be ugly anymore. When we are gossiping we are spending our time and energy focusing on what we hate, what is horrible in this world and what offends us  that we don't focus on being happy instead. Why do we take such joy in criticizing others? We are not perfect beings. What gives us the right to point out someone's imperfection and then snark at them for it?  Every time we gossip we only create negativity. We might feel we are growing strong as a group and seeing the light but we are really creating a bond of hate and this flow of negative energy spreads farther than the circle it was born in.  

There are lots of reasons to stop gossiping. For one, it sends the wrong message to the Universe. Do we want to be on the vibration of bad things in life or the vibration of good things in life? Just because gossiping makes you closer to someone and makes you laugh it does not generate goodness.  When you gossip sometimes you feel a false strength. For one, your strength is only based on someone's weakness, not because you are actually strong. Secondly, your strength is based on group validation, not from any kind of achievement. When someone agrees with your hate you it can feel like you are winning something but  you are just winning more hate. That is no prize. Realize, you can't talk trash without having trash in you. You  also can't expect good things to fall into your lap when you only give others bad intentions . Whether they are close to you or not, view someone else not as separate from you and act with compassion because what you do will eventually come back to you one day. We are all connected.

I've been on the gossip train in one way or another and too many times to count. I've been pulled into it before and I've also led it. I am not proud. Sometimes when people hurt you it seems so justified but you end up hurting them and yourself. The damage done is unmeasurable and sometimes you can't repair it so be careful with your actions.  Sometimes you only have one chance to make the right decision. One moment of gossip, leads to subsequent moments where anything an happen. Isn't it funny how one negative thing a person does suddenly defines their entire character when it's gossiped about?  Things that didn't bother you before can suddenly become so meaningful. It makes everything personal. Gossip creates so much negativity that maybe it started at work, but then it can show up at home later that day, or in a cherish relationship somewhere else. Save yourself the complications of carrying around all that negativity and try another route. Instead of tearing someone's character take that time to build up yours.  Think with your own mind, instead of relying on others to validate your feelings and existence. Try to be an observer finding a open door for healing and helping rather than a reactor. Don't become a victim. Learn to listen. Support, rather than spread hate. Lift others up and don't judge.  Forgive when people hurt you and treat others how we want to be treated. You can also get a high from great acts of love.

We are individual forces that can choose to propagate love in the world or propagate hate. Those who gossip are not that different from those who spend their time hurting others in the name of religion. We gossip in the name of a different religion... the religion of self righteousness. Rather than using lethal weapons we are using lethal words.

Use your energy to create love instead.

I think Dr. Wayne Dyer was on the same wave length as me today... on my FB today he posted this tidbit of advice...love it.. thank you to all my teachers.

Embracing it all.

This year I decided to go old school by picking up a paper calendar. This came out of a deep seeded insecurity of losing data on my phone. Although electronic calendars are extremely convenient I've had the experience of my entire schedule being wiped out on more than one occasion due to technical glitches. I've also had my phone broken and stolen. Those were all very traumatic experiences. For my own peace of mind I decided to go back to paper.

After searching Chapters up and down during the New Year I found the last remaining calendar that wasn't a giant wall calendar or a mom's guide to this or that calendar. In fact, it was exactly what I had wanted.  It was a beautifully decorated book small enough to fit into my purse and was made by a company called Paper Blanks. They make beautiful paper products with a wide array of elaborate and funky designs to choose from. My design is called Safavid and was inspired by the Islamic Golden Age marked by the gold filigree. It seems that each Paper Blank design has a name and a historical source of inspiration.  The moment I saw the calendar I felt a deep connection with it. Maybe it was because of it's beauty. Or maybe it was because it had fit the journal in my mind so perfectly.  From that day on I used my calendar vigilantly with a conscious mindfulness. I tried to record as much of my daily events and used it almost like a journal. Little did I know this little book and this process served a greater purpose for me than just organizing my client sessions and social events.

This morning, while looking through my calendar for upcoming wedding events, I thought about something that had happened in the recent past and went in search for the date. While flipping back I decided to do a review of my year in progress. I started from January, reading each and every entry. Most of the entries were full. Each day was dappled with detail. I was amazed at all the things that had taken place in the last 3 months. I felt a bit of awe mixed with sentimentality. My eyes widened as I re-experienced all my days. There were those notes I wrote when something had touched me that day. Some words jumped out at me more than others. Other days I had adorned events with only symbols and pictures. For instance, the day my nieces were coming for a visit I drew a little heart. On another day I had gone on a date with special someone and I drew a little smiley face. I still remember the feelings I had when I drew those pictures. With those memories, doors were opening to other memories that have been put away. Conversation flash backs occurred in milliseconds. The delicate features and gestures of talking faces blinked in and out of my mind.  Moments of fun and laughter came in and out. Like a picture I saw snow on my face and frost on my nose. The cold white snow blizzard was blowing around on a frozen lake. Moments of excitement and moments of shock happened all at once. Then there were moments of  comfort and trust and moments of fear and pain. It was like they reminded each other that they were part of the same memory. Just like a flip book those pictures kept appearing, only for a moment, but felt in the whole. Chunks of events, buckets loads of emotions, all in one go. The passage of time was passing through my fingers as I turned each page. How strange it is to relive life that way. How wonderful it was to appreciate those things that gave you so much joy again.  I was very grateful for all those memories. It was heart jolting and heart warming.  Though it was only April, so many things have already passed.Thousands of moments had come and gone. Many of them were once cherished experience and then had somehow gone to the waste bin of my mind, forgotten and discarded until now. Others, were vivid flashing neon signs that fought and screamed for my attention. Those were the memories I had not been able to let go of just yet. I realized how unjustified that was.

I felt thankful for all those little tugs at my heart. If I didn't have a moment to reflect today I would have forgotten how precious all my moments were.  It gave me an appreciation that I haven't been able to feel lately. Sometimes it feels like you are just chugging your way through life like an exhausted engine going from one place to another. Parts of the journey seem so pointless and rather cruel.  But after reviewing my notes I realized my life wasn't a bunch of wasted experiences that never added up to anything... and life wasn't exhausting and meaningless. It was, in actuality, really great and full.  It was like a bunch of ripe citrus fruit exploding with juices and flying through the air. It was a tropical fruit salad! This calendar was just a little chapter in the chronicle of my life and the 3 month snippet was inspiring. It gave me a reason to celebrate.  I saw what I have been given and felt happy. I am grateful of my full life. It is full of hard work, exploration, fun, play, lessons and most importantly love. You have to make ALL things count.

They say don't look into the past as it is gone. They say it doesn't help to open up old wounds. But there are more than just wounds in the past. In the past, there is light, there is love and there is the essence of your creation. Looking into the past can give you the wisdom to unlock the restraints of rigid thoughts, at least for a moment or two. It can help you forgive and it encourages you to move forward. It can give inspire greatness and it can remind you of the amazing life you have if you look away from the bright neon flashing signs.  Sometimes it offers a memory filled with happiness and sometimes it offers one filled with pain. But if you look with a mindful heart you will realize that these feelings are equal. One is not greater than the other. They are all just part of the fabric of life. What I got from today was an overwhelming sense of gratefulness... true gratefulness for the fullness of my life. I AM GRATEFUL for the good and the "bad". Alone, memories can make time stand still. If you focus on one particular memory too much the others get lost. However, if you put them together time moves again and life looks dynamic, monumental and vibrant. So don't get stuck in one moment. Look at the big picture. Put all the pieces together and be in awe of the puzzle that is your life. It is a true masterpiece.

Every droplet of water is small and insignificant by itself even if 1 drop can cause a ripple. However, when a multitude of droplets come together they lose their identify and form lakes, oceans, and sustain life on Earth. They create abundance where there was once nothing. Our experiences, good and bad,  may seem daunting and meaningless on their own.  However, when you put those droplets of existence together they provide the great abundance of knowledge and direction that enable us to flourish, elevate and grow. This is our unique recipe. It is the sweet and the spice of life. Embrace it all and be thankful.

Happy Easter

How does missing someone serve you?

What does it feel like to miss a ghost? A ghost is nothing more than an image and a memory, or a symbol that lives in your mind. Missing it does not make it real. Missing it does not bring it to life. Missing something that's not there only makes you suffer. It may be a mild suffering, or a suffering so wide that you fall in and can't get out... but the only thing we get from missing something is suffering. So why have we been wired to miss things that don't exist yet... or miss something we once had. If you continue to miss this or miss that... you are really just missing out on a moment that can otherwise be great.

In the case of romantic love, I've been told it's based on chemicals. It's a chemical withdrawal from the absence of love. We miss it only because we are hooked on this high that comes from a deep connection with someone else. They always say... you don't miss the person... you miss being in a relationship. Another one is... time heals all.  Apparently, with time you lose the dependence and become yourself again. Back to yourself again...that's an interesting statement... as every moment we change...we can never go back to who we once were, yet that is what we are told. I am not even the same person I was 2 minutes ago. How can anyone go back to who they were before when they met someone that had changed their life experiences? You can't wipe it all out.  Personally, I know you don't always forget someone and you can still miss someone even after a considerable amount of time passes. It's not always just a fear of being alone. However, with time, you either let it keep bothering you or you gotta let it slide. You just give up on letting that feeling of missing someone matter. The feeling of missing that person becomes a passing thought and nothing more. I don't think time heals all. I think time just wears you down. Like a brand new mountain, it's sharp and jagged but with time... even the sharpest ridges smooth right down. The resistance is what makes everything so much harder. But still... why?

In the case of missing someone who has passed away... sometimes I think that's easier because you know they are really gone. They are probably someone you love, someone who was important to you, and someone who didn't hurt you, or they could be the opposite. Missing them still hurts but the closure is in the death itself. You know you will never bump into them. You know they can't come back and spend time with you. There is a real finality there. It makes more sense that missing them hurts, but could hurts less. It still serves no purpose as it creates such great suffering but it makes sense. They are really gone. I have lost only a few loves in my life. My greatest lost love is my grandfather. When I think of him sometimes I still get a slight teary eyed... he died when I was 16... that's nearly 20 years ago and my mind is still so attached I can't think of him without an emotional reaction. There are those who have lost children, their life partner, their parents...and the loss is great. The loss is inconceivable. But why must we suffer so much along with the loss?

I guess my real question is... How do these emotions serve us? If we are a formula designed to outlive and outsmart the rest, to survive, and to move on, why would our brains collect and hold ghosts that haunt us. Why would we be held hostage by emotions? Why do we have a brain that limits our ability to live in the moment?

I mean negative emotions are not always a black hole you can't escape. With maturity and having enough experiences in life those emotions are often what drives people to change. It teaches you to be compassionate. They drive you to help others. They tap into a well within hat you were unaware of before...the shared well of the human experience. Joy and suffering...things we all feel... all in the same well. It can create great growth and change.  But that's not the case with everyone. Many are held hostage by their fear, anxiety, and sadness. They have no tools to break free. In dark times dark emotions take over and they can hardly see the light. Why do we have this powerful tool developed by evolution that serves to create all we know today and also debilitate us all with just one thought? I don't know...

With a blink of an eye your world can turn upside down.  What you thought was once there is now not. What you thought was reality, is now just history. The world can be unknown and scary...or it can be a journey that is exciting and new with every step...


I guess... try not to take your moments for granted.

Mindful March

March is here, and I'm a little late in posting. This month is Mindful March. I like where this trend is going. It is a good way to remind people to stop and ground themselves in the moment. It's time to pay attention. It won't be that hard. The beauty of spring is in Vancouver. Currently, it's spring break for me. I have already enjoyed 1 week of holidays on vacation in the Yukon, Northern Canada. I went to Whitehorse to enjoy some winter activities and hoping to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. No such luck. I still had a great time though. I went ice fishing, dog sledding and it snowed like no tomorrow there. I also went up to the Alaska for a short visit in the tourist town of Skagway. It's a port for a lot of cruise ships. It was low season, so the town was dead. Luckily there was a restaurant open. We had a snack and went back on the road for the 3 hour drive back to Whitehorse.

It was an interesting trip. We had a lot of new experiences there.

I will post some photos when I get around to it.

So this idea of Mindfulness March got passed down to me from my dear friend Michelle who tagged me in an Instagram photo that was posted by Mala Collective. Mala Collective is a Vancouver based Mala retailer. They have come up with a list of mindful goals for people to engage in for the week. Yesterdays was a mindful meal. Today is a mindful moment of bliss. I sat down for a moment at a coffee shop and thought about that today. A mindful meal is something I can understand.  You sit down, look and smell your food. You taste every bite. You show gratitude and love towards the food and yourself, and those that made it for you and got it to your plate. A mindful moment of bliss is harder. How do you just find a moment to capture bliss? Bliss is a very unique feeling. It doesn't come around all the time. Most of the time when you feel bliss it's a surprise. It also comes and then recedes. When you are feeling blissful do you want to waste that moment and pull the phone and take a picture? Maybe right after you capture it, it will be gone.  I took a picture of a peaceful moment instead. Peaceful moments are easy to find. In any situation you can find peace if you quiet your mind down. If you look at whats around you it's easy to feel peaceful. Bliss... that's a hard one. I will need to find a way to get there. To find it for myself. Whenever I've experienced bliss it was a shared emotion with someone else.

I haven't been writing in my blog that often because, for one, I had forgotten my password for a while. I also met someone new and was spending some time with them. Recently, we have separated and moved on to new chapters in our lives. I read my previous post on being single and I have some more thoughts on that now. Romantic experiences teach you a lot about life.  Most importantly it teaches you to move on with it.  Being involved in a romantic connection is a great feeling but it always comes with risks. It comes with the risks of being vulnerable and being hurt. It comes with the realization that someone you like and care might not be the right one for you even if you want them to be. So then what? When two sides can't overcome hurdles then you let that go and move one. I always wonder so much pain must come out of so much happiness? But now I realize it's part of the process. Joy and pain come from the same place. You can't have one without the other. If you don't to experience pain with someone or from someone, then don't engage in joyful experiences with them. Connections create disconnect. Caring creates hurt. It's two sides of the same coin. Success comes with failure. I'm going to work hard this month on being Mindful of this new experience and see it for what it is and let it be. I want to be grateful for the good times and to understand and accept the pain. I am also going to do daily practices of mindfulness so I can appreciate more of what's here and now. I don't want to miss those little moments that can be astounding just because I wasn't paying attention.

There was a poster I saw on Instagram that said something like this... if you had a bank account that gets a deposit of 1,000 dollars everyday but whatever is remaining is gone by midnight...would you withdrawal all of it each day or loose some of it everyday? The logical answer is to withdrawal daily, because if you don't it's gone. Too late, bye bye. Everyday is like that with time. Spend the time on what you want...find out what is at the root of your happiness.Then spend your time make the world a better place by making yourself a happier person.

Mindful March came to me at a very needed time. I am so grateful.

Sunday morning giggles

When the going gets tough I will remember this. 

Heehee. So there is always something to be grateful for. 

Rainy Friday evening: The ramblings of a 30 something single woman.

Today is my parents 40th anniversary. In times like these that's a big deal. It's a great achievement. We celebrated with a home cooked dinner. Nothing too special, but we did have a unique kind of food that my mom made just for tonight. After all these years their love was still worth celebrating. Though when  I am around them love is not the first thing that is evident. It is there, I guess, in the commitment they give to one another, the things they do for each other and the life they share together as two separate people. They tolerate one another. They work through problems together. However, there is no hand holding, no kissing,  nor any tender moments. BUT my mom did make this special dish... maybe that is her way of showing her love. My dad ate it, maybe that's his way.  This is what love looks like at 40 years for some people. For others it looks different. It's such an important thing. It's something we all need and something I think we all want. Yet between two people, it's defined so uniquely there is probably no same exact definition.

I feel a little numb when I think of this sometimes. I guess because I'm single I feel like I've lost my belief in the reliability of romantic love. True love also seems like something so far away I can't even tell if it's real. All romantic love in my life has proven to be an illusion but one that leaves you striped in some way. It's like when a storm comes and blows all the leaves off a tree. The tree looks different. The ground is a mess. You go around with a rake and rake everything into little piles and when you aren't looking a kid comes by and kicks up a pile... or a wind gently blows and there goes another... You are always tending to those leaves. You can cover the piles up with garbage bags, you can guard those leaves with your life but something will come along and stir things up and you will constantly be cleaning up messes that you thought were done with. You get really good at picking up a rake though. You start watching out for that kid with a stringent eye. But in some ways you become the grumpy old lady that is hovering around her pile of leaves with a rake all day long. You are too busy raking leaves to take time to prune and fertilize the tree... 

Personal experience...Right now, dating and meeting people feels like walking through a land mine. I really love meeting new people and spending time getting to know others. But sometimes that's as far as it goes and you've had an entertaining date or two. It's too weird to stay friends so you move on. Sometimes it's not so entertaining. Then you just go your separate ways. You never know what you are going to get. You might find someone attractive but they don't feel the same or vice versa. They may not be ready for a relationship but attempt to anyway...   Someone you thought you'd click with creates no heart sparks at all.  Sometimes you meet someone wonderful but you know it's not the right match for some reason. There are so many risks involved with dating...all which include feelings of dread, disappointment, sadness, wanting, fear...etc... But I  remind myself I must take things one step at a time. I learned that in this journey and in every relationship I have encountered I have insecurities lurking around dark corners waiting to be discovered. I run into obstacles that really tests my limits of tolerance.  The journey of finding love really puts you in sticky situations in order to make you see yourself. It's not an easy journey but you grow from it. The self doubt will always come in and out... until the force of love teaches you to love yourself. Loving yourself and putting your needs before others is actually a really important thing when you are dating. It keeps you on the right track especially when tempting prospects come around and try to steer you off course. Can you love yourself to walk away from situations and people that are clearly not right for you? Recently, I have learned about boundaries more than anything else. I value that lesson very much. Though I am also learning that rigid boundaries bring with it incredible fear. That is also something I must be extremely careful about. I don't want my fears to rule my dating life.

In reality, love is everywhere around me. Love is what you do for yourself. Love is what you do for others. Love is a choice beyond anything else. Just like today, there is love there right before me and it has been maintained over 40 years. It just looks different from what I think love looks like, or the kind I'm looking for. I'm still looking for a love that doesn't get boring, and one that doesn't hurt. A love that seems unconditional. To me, sometimes "love" only looks like tolerating someone else but there is a lot of commitment and choice involved in tolerating someone else. Maybe that force that allows you to tolerate someone else forever is true love. I often think of a fantasy love. I wish to hold hands with my partner until we our last days together.  I wish that we will always explore new things and have fun even when our bones are too weak to move for long distances. I wish to be with someone that I can laugh with and can see the world with new eyes with even when our eyes can hardly see. I wish for a love where even on the coldest and darkest days we still be there for each other unquestionably. Maybe there is a love like that or at least one that is mostly like that because there will always be ups and downs. It really sounds like a fantastical kind of love life.  Maybe that is what we are supposed to find out about in life. Find our kind of love and make it happen in this world? Or maybe find out what love really is rather than just live in our fantasies? What is love to you? It seems like a very hard question to answer when in fact it should be very easy. 

Maybe it's this groggy weather making me think. I just feel kinda pensive.I went on a couple of dates this week and I'm starting to feel fearful that what I want does not exist anymore. I say any more because at one point in my life I believed wholeheartedly that it was here. I guess I feel confused and a little bit worried about being able to navigate any kind of romantic relationship without it ending up an emotional disaster. I know I'm fearful of relationships now. But they say you receive in life what you give. My energy in this segment of my life is not generating the best feelings. I must stay hopeful that someone is out there looking for me and the same things I want.  If I exist so must he right? We just gotta find one another. In the meantime, I will walk through this land mine to get to my destination.

Wish me luck people. 

Love this encouraging horoscope. Will refer to it for all things in need of encouragement. 

Modern Fort

I have a friend who has opened a new online store based in Vancouver and it sells awareness and spreads compassion. It's called Modern Fort. It is so inspiring. At the end of the day, you can make all sort of mistakes, you can have a bad hair day, you could have the worst circumstances happen around you but you can also still make a difference.

How can you make a difference today? Give something to someone today, no matter how small and tomorrow give a little more. Keep giving until it's all you know and it's all other people know how to do. Giving is addictive and it's infectious as it creates a community.

http://modernfort.com/blogs/news/18636031-video-community-care-packages-for-single-parents

Click on the link and be inspired. There are some people out there changing this world in big ways. If you can't do that right now, start small. You'll get there. And if there is nothing you can think of to do, go buy a t-shirt from them because you will be contributing to this huge rolling stone that's marking a new path.

Grateful for today.

I've been working hard on my goals in life. One of which is  act through love and think with love always. Make good choices and set my intentions. I have also meditated for the last two nights before bed and my mind is much more clear before I sleep. I try to pay attention to the little space between my inhaling and exhaling. Apparently you learn a lot in that little space. It is a disciplined task but I'm glad I have put it in my journey.

Today has been a particularly good day but I think it had more to do with my attitude than anything. I tried to smile and laugh during situations. Instead of dwelling and worrying when problems arose I tried to think of how I could make a little difference. When I got something from someone today I felt more grateful. At the end of the day  had more energy to give to my family and I tried to show them my appreciation. I feel it was a positive day. I did not make it to the gym but my heart told me to stay home, drink decaf coffee and eat a piece of chocolate while catching up on some reading. It was a good choice. I also decided that everyday I will write a couple of entries in a gratefulness journal before bed time. Today I have plenty of things to be grateful for.

1. Got a good nights sleep
2. Was busy and super productive at work.
3. Got a beautiful gift today.
4. Made several good connections today.
5. Got a call from an unexpected person and had a nice conversation.
6. Thought I had no more decaf nespresso pods left but turns out I had one more!!!
7. Spent some time with my family and listened to them.
8. Laughed a lot.
9. Was going to do something mean, but stopped myself.
10. Right now, being comfy in my bed and ready for a book.
11. Found out about something kinda sad, but offered and gave assistance.
12. Felt at peace with a situation.
13. Made a good connection with a student that I often struggle connecting with.



Today life feels extremely fulfilling.

I realize we cannot control all the situations in life with intentions. Things happen. There are good times and bad times. However, I deeply want to face all those situations with as much positive force as I can. You can make any situation better. Like I teach my students... in every situation you have two choices... a good choice...and a bad choice. In every situation you can also generate a good feeling or a bad feeling. I don't want to dwell on the negative. So when there are rough days ahead I will try and to remember how one ordinary day became a bit more than that. May peace be with you all.