How does missing someone serve you?

What does it feel like to miss a ghost? A ghost is nothing more than an image and a memory, or a symbol that lives in your mind. Missing it does not make it real. Missing it does not bring it to life. Missing something that's not there only makes you suffer. It may be a mild suffering, or a suffering so wide that you fall in and can't get out... but the only thing we get from missing something is suffering. So why have we been wired to miss things that don't exist yet... or miss something we once had. If you continue to miss this or miss that... you are really just missing out on a moment that can otherwise be great.

In the case of romantic love, I've been told it's based on chemicals. It's a chemical withdrawal from the absence of love. We miss it only because we are hooked on this high that comes from a deep connection with someone else. They always say... you don't miss the person... you miss being in a relationship. Another one is... time heals all.  Apparently, with time you lose the dependence and become yourself again. Back to yourself again...that's an interesting statement... as every moment we change...we can never go back to who we once were, yet that is what we are told. I am not even the same person I was 2 minutes ago. How can anyone go back to who they were before when they met someone that had changed their life experiences? You can't wipe it all out.  Personally, I know you don't always forget someone and you can still miss someone even after a considerable amount of time passes. It's not always just a fear of being alone. However, with time, you either let it keep bothering you or you gotta let it slide. You just give up on letting that feeling of missing someone matter. The feeling of missing that person becomes a passing thought and nothing more. I don't think time heals all. I think time just wears you down. Like a brand new mountain, it's sharp and jagged but with time... even the sharpest ridges smooth right down. The resistance is what makes everything so much harder. But still... why?

In the case of missing someone who has passed away... sometimes I think that's easier because you know they are really gone. They are probably someone you love, someone who was important to you, and someone who didn't hurt you, or they could be the opposite. Missing them still hurts but the closure is in the death itself. You know you will never bump into them. You know they can't come back and spend time with you. There is a real finality there. It makes more sense that missing them hurts, but could hurts less. It still serves no purpose as it creates such great suffering but it makes sense. They are really gone. I have lost only a few loves in my life. My greatest lost love is my grandfather. When I think of him sometimes I still get a slight teary eyed... he died when I was 16... that's nearly 20 years ago and my mind is still so attached I can't think of him without an emotional reaction. There are those who have lost children, their life partner, their parents...and the loss is great. The loss is inconceivable. But why must we suffer so much along with the loss?

I guess my real question is... How do these emotions serve us? If we are a formula designed to outlive and outsmart the rest, to survive, and to move on, why would our brains collect and hold ghosts that haunt us. Why would we be held hostage by emotions? Why do we have a brain that limits our ability to live in the moment?

I mean negative emotions are not always a black hole you can't escape. With maturity and having enough experiences in life those emotions are often what drives people to change. It teaches you to be compassionate. They drive you to help others. They tap into a well within hat you were unaware of before...the shared well of the human experience. Joy and suffering...things we all feel... all in the same well. It can create great growth and change.  But that's not the case with everyone. Many are held hostage by their fear, anxiety, and sadness. They have no tools to break free. In dark times dark emotions take over and they can hardly see the light. Why do we have this powerful tool developed by evolution that serves to create all we know today and also debilitate us all with just one thought? I don't know...

With a blink of an eye your world can turn upside down.  What you thought was once there is now not. What you thought was reality, is now just history. The world can be unknown and scary...or it can be a journey that is exciting and new with every step...


I guess... try not to take your moments for granted.

Mindful March

March is here, and I'm a little late in posting. This month is Mindful March. I like where this trend is going. It is a good way to remind people to stop and ground themselves in the moment. It's time to pay attention. It won't be that hard. The beauty of spring is in Vancouver. Currently, it's spring break for me. I have already enjoyed 1 week of holidays on vacation in the Yukon, Northern Canada. I went to Whitehorse to enjoy some winter activities and hoping to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights. No such luck. I still had a great time though. I went ice fishing, dog sledding and it snowed like no tomorrow there. I also went up to the Alaska for a short visit in the tourist town of Skagway. It's a port for a lot of cruise ships. It was low season, so the town was dead. Luckily there was a restaurant open. We had a snack and went back on the road for the 3 hour drive back to Whitehorse.

It was an interesting trip. We had a lot of new experiences there.

I will post some photos when I get around to it.

So this idea of Mindfulness March got passed down to me from my dear friend Michelle who tagged me in an Instagram photo that was posted by Mala Collective. Mala Collective is a Vancouver based Mala retailer. They have come up with a list of mindful goals for people to engage in for the week. Yesterdays was a mindful meal. Today is a mindful moment of bliss. I sat down for a moment at a coffee shop and thought about that today. A mindful meal is something I can understand.  You sit down, look and smell your food. You taste every bite. You show gratitude and love towards the food and yourself, and those that made it for you and got it to your plate. A mindful moment of bliss is harder. How do you just find a moment to capture bliss? Bliss is a very unique feeling. It doesn't come around all the time. Most of the time when you feel bliss it's a surprise. It also comes and then recedes. When you are feeling blissful do you want to waste that moment and pull the phone and take a picture? Maybe right after you capture it, it will be gone.  I took a picture of a peaceful moment instead. Peaceful moments are easy to find. In any situation you can find peace if you quiet your mind down. If you look at whats around you it's easy to feel peaceful. Bliss... that's a hard one. I will need to find a way to get there. To find it for myself. Whenever I've experienced bliss it was a shared emotion with someone else.

I haven't been writing in my blog that often because, for one, I had forgotten my password for a while. I also met someone new and was spending some time with them. Recently, we have separated and moved on to new chapters in our lives. I read my previous post on being single and I have some more thoughts on that now. Romantic experiences teach you a lot about life.  Most importantly it teaches you to move on with it.  Being involved in a romantic connection is a great feeling but it always comes with risks. It comes with the risks of being vulnerable and being hurt. It comes with the realization that someone you like and care might not be the right one for you even if you want them to be. So then what? When two sides can't overcome hurdles then you let that go and move one. I always wonder so much pain must come out of so much happiness? But now I realize it's part of the process. Joy and pain come from the same place. You can't have one without the other. If you don't to experience pain with someone or from someone, then don't engage in joyful experiences with them. Connections create disconnect. Caring creates hurt. It's two sides of the same coin. Success comes with failure. I'm going to work hard this month on being Mindful of this new experience and see it for what it is and let it be. I want to be grateful for the good times and to understand and accept the pain. I am also going to do daily practices of mindfulness so I can appreciate more of what's here and now. I don't want to miss those little moments that can be astounding just because I wasn't paying attention.

There was a poster I saw on Instagram that said something like this... if you had a bank account that gets a deposit of 1,000 dollars everyday but whatever is remaining is gone by midnight...would you withdrawal all of it each day or loose some of it everyday? The logical answer is to withdrawal daily, because if you don't it's gone. Too late, bye bye. Everyday is like that with time. Spend the time on what you want...find out what is at the root of your happiness.Then spend your time make the world a better place by making yourself a happier person.

Mindful March came to me at a very needed time. I am so grateful.