A frustrating moment...need to let it out.

I've been feeling frustrated lately and a little down. No matter how hard I try to be positive and put on a happy face I don't feel it. There are moments that I do feel happy but they are fleeting. However, so are all emotions. I just want to feel at peace. I just want to feel complete and like I belong somewhere.  I have fantastic friends and family, I live in a beautiful city but I don't always feel like I belong anywhere?  So often, I feel like I am just wandering and not too sure where to go. This is the little frustration that seems to remain after all the other feelings go away. That is something that's hard for me to sweep under the rug. Is this a universal thing or is it just me?

Sometimes you find a place of belonging because it's a place of love. It is a place that nurtures you and makes you feel safe. Why is that place not always there? Shouldn't it be? No matter what shakes your life your place should always be there. You should always have a emotional home you can go to that will take care of you, love you and cherish you. I wish for everyone to have that. That's what everyone deserves. Everything I am reading right now speaks to how important it is to love yourself. I suppose that place should be YOU. But it's so hard to love yourself. It's much easier to see the good in others. It's much easier to admire others. Even when others see the good in you, you know there is so much more they don't know. What's hard to feel is the internal struggles I know we all go through. I've had so many special people in my life who have taught me that pain runs deep in all of us, however, on the surface we all just smile. Maybe it's an insecurity we all feel. According to research most people hate themselves more than they love themselves.

Brene Brown, a shame, vulnerability and wholehearted living researcher says you can't love others more than you love yourself. So if  I want anything in life that is important I need to love me first. That's the only way I can love my job, love my passions and love a partner wholeheartedly. She termed wholeheartedness as being all in, all in for life, and all in for circumstances. Someone who is wholehearted is unafraid of being vulnerable and allows others to see their imperfections, owns them and empathizes with other. It's like living in a truth that accepts all circumstances. Sounds wonderful. Wholehearted people don't have rose colored glasses. They haven't gone through less painful circumstances in life than others. However, what Brene Brown found was that wholehearted people were grateful. They weren't born with a grateful gene or were more inclined to being grateful.  They mindfully practiced gratefulness all the time. They chose to be grateful when there were times of difficulty. Wholehearted people also made time for play. They tried to enjoy life. She termed play as when you do something enjoyable and you can lose track of time doing it.

It shows me I have a long way to go for self development. But if I look at my old self I know I have already walked so many steps towards who I am to become. I still struggle, in fact, I think I struggle more now as I am always trying to evaluate what is going on inside and being mindful of that. I am also way more aware of others and their needs. My younger self was pretty blind. My younger self was pretty arrogant. After reading some of Brene Brown's books I had a lot to think about. I must love myself, right?  Sometimes when you sit around feeling decent you think that's self love but now I don't know if it is. Maybe it's just a moment of relief from the talk going on in my head all the time. Sometimes I think I just tolerate myself. I know sometimes I hate myself. Other feelings I have towards myself self are impatience, anger, disappointment, and feeling proud to name a few.  But when do I ever feel like I LOVE me? That's a hard one. When I think about it I can't think of any moment where I really loved myself. I never felt that I am fine just the way I am, and that even the things I don't like about myself is OK because I love myself that much. That's how I would feel towards someone else. It's also way harder to forgive myself that to forgive another. There were very few moments when I felt like I was so glad that I was here. I know I have felt grateful for many people I have encountered in my life but that feeling I've never had for myself. How do you love yourself? What are the signs that you love yourself? Loving yourself now has become a foreign concept to me.

Another popular book on Amazon.com call "Love yourself like your life depended on it." said to repeatedly say to yourself in your mind "I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... etc..." the entire day instead of festering in negative thoughts or replaying stories in your head of things you didn't want to happen. It's to be treated like a 24/7 mantra. I tried that today and I feel that focusing on "loving myself" made me feel so frustrated. Although it did help me curb my thoughts from negative thinking or negative stories repeating in my mind, or finding solutions to stories from the past that have no resolution the moment I stopped saying that I felt kinda dumb. Then I felt bad about feeling dumb because that was not loving myself. Ugh... Where's the reward? They say there is a reward when you do these things? All these things will magically happen for you. You will meet all these amazing people. Your dreams will come true if you set your intentions and emanate love. Your body will heal all of it's diseases. Your relationships will improve in quality. This guy swears miracles happened after weeks of repeatedly saying "I love myself... I love myself" I didn't have the patience to last through the morning. I feel like I'm losing faith in love. I've tried to be a generator of love. I've tried playing fair. I've given and helped people in need. I do things for others. I do things for myself. I go have a good time.  I've tried to do to learn from my past but it seems like it doesn't make a difference in any actual life situations. The same circumstances come up. Any different approach I try always leads to the same results.

I know my life is full. It's full of so many things. I've had great experiences. I am not being ungrateful but I do feel down. I am trying to make sense of all my experiences and all that I've tried to accomplish. So many things don't make sense to me. I'm sulking right now because I think I haven't really dealt with some pain recently. I thought I dealt with it but it's obviously still here and it's invading my mind. The stories won't leave me alone. But I've been through wayyyyyy worse than this story so I don't know why my mind can't let things go. I've let go of so many things...why not this? Why doesn't it get easier? Seriously... after a while, with enough practice, things should be easier... like practice makes perfect...so not true when it comes to emotions. They don't go right away. You don't bounce back quick enough. It's just really hard. I am getting frustrated with myself for not being able to heal faster. I have never been a quick healer, but there should be some improvement...

 Tomorrow I will tell myself I love myself again and again and try to create that safe place that's always there for me so that I will always be emotionally available for those around me because right now and for weeks now... I don't feel I have been. If I am there for anyone, it's through much internal struggle of putting on a happy face. I'm so tired. I feel distant and emotional.  How do you not get just get jaded. Why do things still mean so much... ugh...

At the end of the day, maybe this is just a very egoic day and I have lost the battle to my ego. It's probably over inflated with these new stories.  It's probably tapped into every emotional trigger I have so that I will go crazy.  I can deal with this... I love myself... I love myself... I shall be grateful for whatever is causing me frustration and pain because ultimately it helps me understand myself better and helps me become a better person. When I come out of this I'll be stronger than before and I can be there for others the way I want to be. Right now, I just gotta be there for me because I think I really need it.

Something put my mind at ease just now so I wanted to add it onto this post. Thoughts: Where I've been has definitely brought me to this place right now. It did not take me down a dark road, in fact all things have only been good for me. So, although I'm struggling right now this is where I need to be and what I need in order to get to my ultimate destination. I gotta keep that in mind and not get get stuck in my mind instead. I need a little more trust. 

Thanks to whoever posted that message. 

I am saying no to gossip. Consider it a spiritual cleanse.

Gossip. We are all guilty of it. We have all been at the brunt of it or the instigators of it. We have all been within the circle of gossiping or on the outside looking in. Gossip is something that connects us. Gossip is a good excuse to relieve stress. It is a good excuse to "express emotions" and release some frustrations. But in reality it's just an ugly act and it's an immature way of dealing with emotions. I don't want to be ugly anymore. When we are gossiping we are spending our time and energy focusing on what we hate, what is horrible in this world and what offends us  that we don't focus on being happy instead. Why do we take such joy in criticizing others? We are not perfect beings. What gives us the right to point out someone's imperfection and then snark at them for it?  Every time we gossip we only create negativity. We might feel we are growing strong as a group and seeing the light but we are really creating a bond of hate and this flow of negative energy spreads farther than the circle it was born in.  

There are lots of reasons to stop gossiping. For one, it sends the wrong message to the Universe. Do we want to be on the vibration of bad things in life or the vibration of good things in life? Just because gossiping makes you closer to someone and makes you laugh it does not generate goodness.  When you gossip sometimes you feel a false strength. For one, your strength is only based on someone's weakness, not because you are actually strong. Secondly, your strength is based on group validation, not from any kind of achievement. When someone agrees with your hate you it can feel like you are winning something but  you are just winning more hate. That is no prize. Realize, you can't talk trash without having trash in you. You  also can't expect good things to fall into your lap when you only give others bad intentions . Whether they are close to you or not, view someone else not as separate from you and act with compassion because what you do will eventually come back to you one day. We are all connected.

I've been on the gossip train in one way or another and too many times to count. I've been pulled into it before and I've also led it. I am not proud. Sometimes when people hurt you it seems so justified but you end up hurting them and yourself. The damage done is unmeasurable and sometimes you can't repair it so be careful with your actions.  Sometimes you only have one chance to make the right decision. One moment of gossip, leads to subsequent moments where anything an happen. Isn't it funny how one negative thing a person does suddenly defines their entire character when it's gossiped about?  Things that didn't bother you before can suddenly become so meaningful. It makes everything personal. Gossip creates so much negativity that maybe it started at work, but then it can show up at home later that day, or in a cherish relationship somewhere else. Save yourself the complications of carrying around all that negativity and try another route. Instead of tearing someone's character take that time to build up yours.  Think with your own mind, instead of relying on others to validate your feelings and existence. Try to be an observer finding a open door for healing and helping rather than a reactor. Don't become a victim. Learn to listen. Support, rather than spread hate. Lift others up and don't judge.  Forgive when people hurt you and treat others how we want to be treated. You can also get a high from great acts of love.

We are individual forces that can choose to propagate love in the world or propagate hate. Those who gossip are not that different from those who spend their time hurting others in the name of religion. We gossip in the name of a different religion... the religion of self righteousness. Rather than using lethal weapons we are using lethal words.

Use your energy to create love instead.

I think Dr. Wayne Dyer was on the same wave length as me today... on my FB today he posted this tidbit of advice...love it.. thank you to all my teachers.

Embracing it all.

This year I decided to go old school by picking up a paper calendar. This came out of a deep seeded insecurity of losing data on my phone. Although electronic calendars are extremely convenient I've had the experience of my entire schedule being wiped out on more than one occasion due to technical glitches. I've also had my phone broken and stolen. Those were all very traumatic experiences. For my own peace of mind I decided to go back to paper.

After searching Chapters up and down during the New Year I found the last remaining calendar that wasn't a giant wall calendar or a mom's guide to this or that calendar. In fact, it was exactly what I had wanted.  It was a beautifully decorated book small enough to fit into my purse and was made by a company called Paper Blanks. They make beautiful paper products with a wide array of elaborate and funky designs to choose from. My design is called Safavid and was inspired by the Islamic Golden Age marked by the gold filigree. It seems that each Paper Blank design has a name and a historical source of inspiration.  The moment I saw the calendar I felt a deep connection with it. Maybe it was because of it's beauty. Or maybe it was because it had fit the journal in my mind so perfectly.  From that day on I used my calendar vigilantly with a conscious mindfulness. I tried to record as much of my daily events and used it almost like a journal. Little did I know this little book and this process served a greater purpose for me than just organizing my client sessions and social events.

This morning, while looking through my calendar for upcoming wedding events, I thought about something that had happened in the recent past and went in search for the date. While flipping back I decided to do a review of my year in progress. I started from January, reading each and every entry. Most of the entries were full. Each day was dappled with detail. I was amazed at all the things that had taken place in the last 3 months. I felt a bit of awe mixed with sentimentality. My eyes widened as I re-experienced all my days. There were those notes I wrote when something had touched me that day. Some words jumped out at me more than others. Other days I had adorned events with only symbols and pictures. For instance, the day my nieces were coming for a visit I drew a little heart. On another day I had gone on a date with special someone and I drew a little smiley face. I still remember the feelings I had when I drew those pictures. With those memories, doors were opening to other memories that have been put away. Conversation flash backs occurred in milliseconds. The delicate features and gestures of talking faces blinked in and out of my mind.  Moments of fun and laughter came in and out. Like a picture I saw snow on my face and frost on my nose. The cold white snow blizzard was blowing around on a frozen lake. Moments of excitement and moments of shock happened all at once. Then there were moments of  comfort and trust and moments of fear and pain. It was like they reminded each other that they were part of the same memory. Just like a flip book those pictures kept appearing, only for a moment, but felt in the whole. Chunks of events, buckets loads of emotions, all in one go. The passage of time was passing through my fingers as I turned each page. How strange it is to relive life that way. How wonderful it was to appreciate those things that gave you so much joy again.  I was very grateful for all those memories. It was heart jolting and heart warming.  Though it was only April, so many things have already passed.Thousands of moments had come and gone. Many of them were once cherished experience and then had somehow gone to the waste bin of my mind, forgotten and discarded until now. Others, were vivid flashing neon signs that fought and screamed for my attention. Those were the memories I had not been able to let go of just yet. I realized how unjustified that was.

I felt thankful for all those little tugs at my heart. If I didn't have a moment to reflect today I would have forgotten how precious all my moments were.  It gave me an appreciation that I haven't been able to feel lately. Sometimes it feels like you are just chugging your way through life like an exhausted engine going from one place to another. Parts of the journey seem so pointless and rather cruel.  But after reviewing my notes I realized my life wasn't a bunch of wasted experiences that never added up to anything... and life wasn't exhausting and meaningless. It was, in actuality, really great and full.  It was like a bunch of ripe citrus fruit exploding with juices and flying through the air. It was a tropical fruit salad! This calendar was just a little chapter in the chronicle of my life and the 3 month snippet was inspiring. It gave me a reason to celebrate.  I saw what I have been given and felt happy. I am grateful of my full life. It is full of hard work, exploration, fun, play, lessons and most importantly love. You have to make ALL things count.

They say don't look into the past as it is gone. They say it doesn't help to open up old wounds. But there are more than just wounds in the past. In the past, there is light, there is love and there is the essence of your creation. Looking into the past can give you the wisdom to unlock the restraints of rigid thoughts, at least for a moment or two. It can help you forgive and it encourages you to move forward. It can give inspire greatness and it can remind you of the amazing life you have if you look away from the bright neon flashing signs.  Sometimes it offers a memory filled with happiness and sometimes it offers one filled with pain. But if you look with a mindful heart you will realize that these feelings are equal. One is not greater than the other. They are all just part of the fabric of life. What I got from today was an overwhelming sense of gratefulness... true gratefulness for the fullness of my life. I AM GRATEFUL for the good and the "bad". Alone, memories can make time stand still. If you focus on one particular memory too much the others get lost. However, if you put them together time moves again and life looks dynamic, monumental and vibrant. So don't get stuck in one moment. Look at the big picture. Put all the pieces together and be in awe of the puzzle that is your life. It is a true masterpiece.

Every droplet of water is small and insignificant by itself even if 1 drop can cause a ripple. However, when a multitude of droplets come together they lose their identify and form lakes, oceans, and sustain life on Earth. They create abundance where there was once nothing. Our experiences, good and bad,  may seem daunting and meaningless on their own.  However, when you put those droplets of existence together they provide the great abundance of knowledge and direction that enable us to flourish, elevate and grow. This is our unique recipe. It is the sweet and the spice of life. Embrace it all and be thankful.

Happy Easter