Confession. I am suffering right now. Everyday I feel like I am suffering more and more. There are days where I pat my own back and tell myself I've done a great job and the next moment I feel defeated. I try to make this a softer place but sometimes making a softer place for others makes life more painful for me. I feel a lot of pressure.
Sometimes I feel like I am punishing myself because I think if I do all the right things, I can fix everything. We all do that, don't we? In my family, sacrifice is love. I've learned this behaviour too as I easily sacrifice parts of myself for others. Parents do this all the time. Partners do it too. Sacrifice is one of the highest offerings of love. I don't regret choices I make when they come from a place of love but I know now if I am not careful with my energy it can hurt me back. I just want to acknowledge sacrifice also causes pain. My pain is temporary and I will be ok. But acknowledging that pain came from my own actions was sort of an "ah ha" moment for me.
Somehow you can feel pain from doing what's right. And doing what is right doesn't mean you can stop inevitable things from happening. Sacrifice isn't actually an offering that can pay you back what you have lost. It is an action that once given and taken, that's it! No guarantees on outcomes. Somethings will happen no matter what. Now I see my sacrifices were not just for others but were also selfish. Sacrifice is also a way of controlling the world around you. At some point, we have to admit we can't control everything. I need to accept the changes in life, as they are the natural order of things.
Without being careful, there is a new phase in my life now that is about battling my own intrusive thoughts that seem to grow more and more each day. It's my turn to feel anxiety and fear. That is a shitty ass feeling. Feeling a lack of control is a very uncomfortable. But instead of trying to fix it I will have to learn to accept it. So I'll do what I've always done in the past. I'll write and share my thoughts. I'll share the experience of processing my emotions, the way I like to do it. Did you know that whenever I used to feel strong feelings I would type it all out? I would read what I wrote over and over again and edit. Editing the intrusive thoughts or the negative background noise in my mind helped me focus on more proactive behaviours or just more mindful. It made me more aware of how that voice just keep telling stories when nothing was wrong in that moment. With awareness I was able to change the script sometimes or have some brief relief from listening to stories in my head.
I also use to meditate a lot and I've stopped doing that for a while. Life got pretty care free. Life was super duper. I didn't need to meditate. Meditation is a dedication and where I loved the concept of it I hated the discipline of it. It is a thing that is frustrating to begin and difficult to master. I remember my teacher saying not to give up. He always said that we may have better things to do now, things that are more fun even but the day will come when we will need that locus of control in our mind and like everything without practice the skill goes away. And he was right. So I'll be trying to find some balance in emotion, energy and mental processing. Most importantly, I am focusing on my thoughts and feelings instead of resisting them, instead of resisting what life has recently given me. And also to stop making everything about my suffering. I need to remind myself to be grateful.
In a small moment, so many things change but the past is not meaningless. There is goodness there. There is importance in the past and the future but the now is a moment you can't say no to. So you have to be in it and try to embrace it. Life didnt do something to you. Life is just life. This is just how it is supposed to play out. In general, life moves forward for everyone. Regardless if you like the place forward is heading to. No one gets to choose every detail. These days I try to tell myself nothing makes me so special that I don't have to ever experience pain or sadness because it's true.
Those things that other people have to go through, I never understood. I would always try to help if someone was sad but it's not the same as feeling sad and out of control. With the lack of true understanding there is always room for judgment. That is the gift pain can give, sudden understanding. When growing anxiety comes I try to soften my body, focus on my breath and to focus on something that's in front of me but of course it doesn't always work. I will accept that there isnt always a solution that feels good. There will always be good moments and bad ones. I must rely on coping strategies. Coping strategies are things I teach to others. Now I have to teach them to myself. I don't want anyone to worry. Things are as they should be. Everything is fine because nothing is wrong. It just feels wrong to me. But life is neutral. Everything is just neutral until we give it meaning. Life isnt fitting into the box perfectly like I wanted to but who said i get to choose.
I am just like everyone else and on that note I finally know how so many others feel. Somehow that connectedness also makes you feel a little less pained. So many people in the world are hurting just like you and they get up the next day and live their life anyway. That's just the human condition. Now I am yet again experiencing something that makes me a little more human. That is something to be grateful for I suppose.
Writing is how I process things. Somehow editing my thoughts and posting it online feels like I've sent my new, edited thoughts and feelings into the Universe, like... hey Uni, this is the good copy, scrap that other one. So please accept this final copy.
