I feel a little numb when I think of this sometimes. I guess because I'm single I feel like I've lost my belief in the reliability of romantic love. True love also seems like something so far away I can't even tell if it's real. All romantic love in my life has proven to be an illusion but one that leaves you striped in some way. It's like when a storm comes and blows all the leaves off a tree. The tree looks different. The ground is a mess. You go around with a rake and rake everything into little piles and when you aren't looking a kid comes by and kicks up a pile... or a wind gently blows and there goes another... You are always tending to those leaves. You can cover the piles up with garbage bags, you can guard those leaves with your life but something will come along and stir things up and you will constantly be cleaning up messes that you thought were done with. You get really good at picking up a rake though. You start watching out for that kid with a stringent eye. But in some ways you become the grumpy old lady that is hovering around her pile of leaves with a rake all day long. You are too busy raking leaves to take time to prune and fertilize the tree...
Personal experience...Right now, dating and meeting people feels like walking through a land mine. I really love meeting new people and spending time getting to know others. But sometimes that's as far as it goes and you've had an entertaining date or two. It's too weird to stay friends so you move on. Sometimes it's not so entertaining. Then you just go your separate ways. You never know what you are going to get. You might find someone attractive but they don't feel the same or vice versa. They may not be ready for a relationship but attempt to anyway... Someone you thought you'd click with creates no heart sparks at all. Sometimes you meet someone wonderful but you know it's not the right match for some reason. There are so many risks involved with dating...all which include feelings of dread, disappointment, sadness, wanting, fear...etc... But I remind myself I must take things one step at a time. I learned that in this journey and in every relationship I have encountered I have insecurities lurking around dark corners waiting to be discovered. I run into obstacles that really tests my limits of tolerance. The journey of finding love really puts you in sticky situations in order to make you see yourself. It's not an easy journey but you grow from it. The self doubt will always come in and out... until the force of love teaches you to love yourself. Loving yourself and putting your needs before others is actually a really important thing when you are dating. It keeps you on the right track especially when tempting prospects come around and try to steer you off course. Can you love yourself to walk away from situations and people that are clearly not right for you? Recently, I have learned about boundaries more than anything else. I value that lesson very much. Though I am also learning that rigid boundaries bring with it incredible fear. That is also something I must be extremely careful about. I don't want my fears to rule my dating life.
In reality, love is everywhere around me. Love is what you do for yourself. Love is what you do for others. Love is a choice beyond anything else. Just like today, there is love there right before me and it has been maintained over 40 years. It just looks different from what I think love looks like, or the kind I'm looking for. I'm still looking for a love that doesn't get boring, and one that doesn't hurt. A love that seems unconditional. To me, sometimes "love" only looks like tolerating someone else but there is a lot of commitment and choice involved in tolerating someone else. Maybe that force that allows you to tolerate someone else forever is true love. I often think of a fantasy love. I wish to hold hands with my partner until we our last days together. I wish that we will always explore new things and have fun even when our bones are too weak to move for long distances. I wish to be with someone that I can laugh with and can see the world with new eyes with even when our eyes can hardly see. I wish for a love where even on the coldest and darkest days we still be there for each other unquestionably. Maybe there is a love like that or at least one that is mostly like that because there will always be ups and downs. It really sounds like a fantastical kind of love life. Maybe that is what we are supposed to find out about in life. Find our kind of love and make it happen in this world? Or maybe find out what love really is rather than just live in our fantasies? What is love to you? It seems like a very hard question to answer when in fact it should be very easy.
Maybe it's this groggy weather making me think. I just feel kinda pensive.I went on a couple of dates this week and I'm starting to feel fearful that what I want does not exist anymore. I say any more because at one point in my life I believed wholeheartedly that it was here. I guess I feel confused and a little bit worried about being able to navigate any kind of romantic relationship without it ending up an emotional disaster. I know I'm fearful of relationships now. But they say you receive in life what you give. My energy in this segment of my life is not generating the best feelings. I must stay hopeful that someone is out there looking for me and the same things I want. If I exist so must he right? We just gotta find one another. In the meantime, I will walk through this land mine to get to my destination.
Wish me luck people.
Love this encouraging horoscope. Will refer to it for all things in need of encouragement.
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