Sometimes you find a place of belonging because it's a place of love. It is a place that nurtures you and makes you feel safe. Why is that place not always there? Shouldn't it be? No matter what shakes your life your place should always be there. You should always have a emotional home you can go to that will take care of you, love you and cherish you. I wish for everyone to have that. That's what everyone deserves. Everything I am reading right now speaks to how important it is to love yourself. I suppose that place should be YOU. But it's so hard to love yourself. It's much easier to see the good in others. It's much easier to admire others. Even when others see the good in you, you know there is so much more they don't know. What's hard to feel is the internal struggles I know we all go through. I've had so many special people in my life who have taught me that pain runs deep in all of us, however, on the surface we all just smile. Maybe it's an insecurity we all feel. According to research most people hate themselves more than they love themselves.
Brene Brown, a shame, vulnerability and wholehearted living researcher says you can't love others more than you love yourself. So if I want anything in life that is important I need to love me first. That's the only way I can love my job, love my passions and love a partner wholeheartedly. She termed wholeheartedness as being all in, all in for life, and all in for circumstances. Someone who is wholehearted is unafraid of being vulnerable and allows others to see their imperfections, owns them and empathizes with other. It's like living in a truth that accepts all circumstances. Sounds wonderful. Wholehearted people don't have rose colored glasses. They haven't gone through less painful circumstances in life than others. However, what Brene Brown found was that wholehearted people were grateful. They weren't born with a grateful gene or were more inclined to being grateful. They mindfully practiced gratefulness all the time. They chose to be grateful when there were times of difficulty. Wholehearted people also made time for play. They tried to enjoy life. She termed play as when you do something enjoyable and you can lose track of time doing it.
It shows me I have a long way to go for self development. But if I look at my old self I know I have already walked so many steps towards who I am to become. I still struggle, in fact, I think I struggle more now as I am always trying to evaluate what is going on inside and being mindful of that. I am also way more aware of others and their needs. My younger self was pretty blind. My younger self was pretty arrogant. After reading some of Brene Brown's books I had a lot to think about. I must love myself, right? Sometimes when you sit around feeling decent you think that's self love but now I don't know if it is. Maybe it's just a moment of relief from the talk going on in my head all the time. Sometimes I think I just tolerate myself. I know sometimes I hate myself. Other feelings I have towards myself self are impatience, anger, disappointment, and feeling proud to name a few. But when do I ever feel like I LOVE me? That's a hard one. When I think about it I can't think of any moment where I really loved myself. I never felt that I am fine just the way I am, and that even the things I don't like about myself is OK because I love myself that much. That's how I would feel towards someone else. It's also way harder to forgive myself that to forgive another. There were very few moments when I felt like I was so glad that I was here. I know I have felt grateful for many people I have encountered in my life but that feeling I've never had for myself. How do you love yourself? What are the signs that you love yourself? Loving yourself now has become a foreign concept to me.
Another popular book on Amazon.com call "Love yourself like your life depended on it." said to repeatedly say to yourself in your mind "I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... etc..." the entire day instead of festering in negative thoughts or replaying stories in your head of things you didn't want to happen. It's to be treated like a 24/7 mantra. I tried that today and I feel that focusing on "loving myself" made me feel so frustrated. Although it did help me curb my thoughts from negative thinking or negative stories repeating in my mind, or finding solutions to stories from the past that have no resolution the moment I stopped saying that I felt kinda dumb. Then I felt bad about feeling dumb because that was not loving myself. Ugh... Where's the reward? They say there is a reward when you do these things? All these things will magically happen for you. You will meet all these amazing people. Your dreams will come true if you set your intentions and emanate love. Your body will heal all of it's diseases. Your relationships will improve in quality. This guy swears miracles happened after weeks of repeatedly saying "I love myself... I love myself" I didn't have the patience to last through the morning. I feel like I'm losing faith in love. I've tried to be a generator of love. I've tried playing fair. I've given and helped people in need. I do things for others. I do things for myself. I go have a good time. I've tried to do to learn from my past but it seems like it doesn't make a difference in any actual life situations. The same circumstances come up. Any different approach I try always leads to the same results.
I know my life is full. It's full of so many things. I've had great experiences. I am not being ungrateful but I do feel down. I am trying to make sense of all my experiences and all that I've tried to accomplish. So many things don't make sense to me. I'm sulking right now because I think I haven't really dealt with some pain recently. I thought I dealt with it but it's obviously still here and it's invading my mind. The stories won't leave me alone. But I've been through wayyyyyy worse than this story so I don't know why my mind can't let things go. I've let go of so many things...why not this? Why doesn't it get easier? Seriously... after a while, with enough practice, things should be easier... like practice makes perfect...so not true when it comes to emotions. They don't go right away. You don't bounce back quick enough. It's just really hard. I am getting frustrated with myself for not being able to heal faster. I have never been a quick healer, but there should be some improvement...
Tomorrow I will tell myself I love myself again and again and try to create that safe place that's always there for me so that I will always be emotionally available for those around me because right now and for weeks now... I don't feel I have been. If I am there for anyone, it's through much internal struggle of putting on a happy face. I'm so tired. I feel distant and emotional. How do you not get just get jaded. Why do things still mean so much... ugh...
At the end of the day, maybe this is just a very egoic day and I have lost the battle to my ego. It's probably over inflated with these new stories. It's probably tapped into every emotional trigger I have so that I will go crazy. I can deal with this... I love myself... I love myself... I shall be grateful for whatever is causing me frustration and pain because ultimately it helps me understand myself better and helps me become a better person. When I come out of this I'll be stronger than before and I can be there for others the way I want to be. Right now, I just gotta be there for me because I think I really need it.
Something put my mind at ease just now so I wanted to add it onto this post. Thoughts: Where I've been has definitely brought me to this place right now. It did not take me down a dark road, in fact all things have only been good for me. So, although I'm struggling right now this is where I need to be and what I need in order to get to my ultimate destination. I gotta keep that in mind and not get get stuck in my mind instead. I need a little more trust.
Thanks to whoever posted that message.
No comments:
Post a Comment