When I listen to "The Secret" or "The Power" it says to that if you give off a negative feeling it will come back at you later. Today I encountered a moment when I was triggered. There are certain situations that will set me off and rolling waves of anger, frustration and resentment will come into me. They are hard to shut off. It's like a collective of the same situation happening over and over again and even if it's a single event it feels like every similar event that has happened in the last 20 years. Needless to say I need to learn to let go of certain things. Everyone has pet peeves... So my pet peeve showed up again today and though I did not get noticeably angry when it happened and tried to remain calm and supportive I was upset inside. The feeling wouldn't go away. I tried to just feel it. I tried to ignore it. But eventually I had to tell someone how I felt and it including blaming another in my rant. I was not supposed to gossip anymore too! It's so hard!
Conclusion... felt a bit guilty afterwards and still did not feel better. Those thoughts still lingered. But here's where things come back...
While driving and alert (except for the constant complaining in my head) someone turned right while I was driving straight and tried to cross two lanes into the second lane in which I was driving (obviously without looking). He was going SUPER fast and nearly crashed into me. I honked soooooo hard and braked with all my might. Luckily we did not crash into each other as he eventually swerved into the other lane. It was a really close call. I took that as the negativity coming back at me (almost instantly) and the Universe telling me to stop repeating bad stories in my head. I tried to stay conscious for the rest of the drive.
That's my story for the day. I wanted to make note of this story as evidence that my negative thinking brought about more negative circumstances to me. I hope this will keep me conscious and help me change my thinking. I really want to focus on the good, in every situation, and continue moving forward, whether there are small or big unwanted changes in life. In the past, when I was negative, it had affected more than one area of life. I learn this lesson constantly. How do I maintain that lesson when I am emotionally high? I guess I keep getting moments to practice this until I get there.
I am thinking of joining an 8 day retreat at Bohdi Meditation in the summer as I've seen it do wonders for someone I know. My friend is so inspired by the change she sees in her family and herself after joining this center and meditating with dedication. Some changes that she noted was that her son has lessened anxiety and maladaptive behaviours. After 2 months of intense medication he has been taken off his anti-psychotic meds. I have never seen him so calm. He's relaxed. Smiles more. And he voices when he's uncomfortable or needs help. My friend has experienced a change in her reactions when she is met with opposing behaviour. She doesn't react in anger anymore. She just let's go. She said it was from the meditation as well as the lessons they were receiving from the center. Sounds like a miracle really.
I've been on a spiritual journey for a while now. There are ups and downs in this journey. Some sections are high and some are low. Some days you feel like you've gotten there. You are feel super content, happier, and cheerful. Other days it's a struggle to feel inspired or connected to "life". "Life" is that joy in experiencing situations and people. Where you heart feels open and forgiving for all things. When you have that lack of connectedness I think your mind might find a way to wander. It looks into the past and looks for reasons why you don't feel right. Then you gotta fight that mind to stay and come back to where you are. I don't feel like myself recently. It's been hard to not absorb negativity. But I am reminding myself that during the good times it's as important to practice the gratitude and love that is more effortless than in times that are hard. Just got to be consistent. I will work on being grateful for my life which I am. But I will work on feeling that way more in everyday moments. I think my mind is always somewhere in the clouds... can't see that clearly right now but at least I know it.
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