Once an insomniac, always an insomniac.

I miss those days when I passed out at 10pm regularly. I don't know how that trend started but my sleep cycle had regulated itself for a while until now. It appears I still have the insomnia disease. And it also appears that the first thing my mind tends to do in uncomfortable life changes is obsess and try to control situations via video feedback loop in my cerebral movie theatre. I so envy those that can lay their head on a pillow and disappear into pleasant dreams after a hard day. 

I've had a very interesting new year. 2016, leap year, a year of much growth for sure. I feel it's my body revolts to the new changes in my life. I think perhaps my 2015 was too easy going and comfortable so 2016 got kicked up a notch. Must of been the calm before the storm. 

I am feeling a little disappointed in the fact that I cannot sleep right now as it is right now that I really need the mental healing and alertness that comes with a restful nights sleep. If this continues I'm going to be majorly burnt out. I am so looking forward to every weekend where I can sit alone in peace like a vegetable. I fully brace and enjoy the restful state of mind I conjure up in morning meditation. I am intending hard for peace of mind. This all started with work place stress. Yet tonight I feel tortured. Not only am

I now fixated on work, I have all the anxiety inducing loops in my brain going off at the same time. 

Ex of loops in quick succession.::Which phone should I buy? But it's too expensive. Unlocked or 2 year contract? They plans cost so much. But I need one soon. I can't afford it if I want to visit my grandfather. Will anyone pick me up from the airport. I don't want to miss the opportunity to see him. Why do all the flights depart at 6:55am?!!!  I really need a break. I feel scared. What if it happens again? What if I don't do a good job? What are the consequences of that? This is sucking the life out of me. I need a hug. I'm single and there is no one to hug me right now. Where can I get that hug?  I miss my ex. I wish my ex would hug me. Why did we have to break up? Maybe I should text him. But I'm supposed to be trying to stay away from him. If I don't stop talking to him I'll be single forever. I don't want to be single forever. But he feels like the one. He's the one I want to be with. But he doesn't want to be with me so he's not the one. But I don't like anyone else. I'm never going to have feelings for anyone else after this. Ok stop thinking about this. It's a waste of time.  I really need a cuddle. I'm so tired. I'm not going to be at my best tomorrow if I can't sleep.  What if I can't preform because I'm too tired to notice something important.  I can't handle this anymore. Now I don't want to go out on Friday with my friend. I feel I need space. But I don't want to disappoint her. I need a break!!!! Why isn't meditation working??? I can't visualize anything. I'm doomed::: this is just a minor example of how this insomnia will kill me. 

Endless thinking. Can't stop it. No one is awake for me to talk to. So instead I just do this other version of talking to myself...  Transference of obsessive ramblings through blog.  I hope they stay here tonight and allow me a moments of rest. 

I'm going to try meditation again.