So... like I was saying 2016 not so great... I had my first panic/anxiety attack on the way to work on Friday and was literally debilitated by it. Good thing I pulled over and was able to get some sound advice from a co-worker and tried my best to calm down. I made it and decided to solve my problem instead of running away from it.
As I have never experienced any work related anxiety at such a heightened level before I was contemplating how I was to proceed. I was miserable and extremely uncomfortable with the thought of returning to work and doing a certain task. The thoughts themselves appeared to be killing me so I know it was impossible for me to engage in said task in a professional manner. I also really didn't want to do it. Doing some self talk, I told myself that I ultimately have control over this situation and that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. There are options. I will present my case and see what people say. They may agree with me or they may not. If they do, great. I can proceed to going back to work with focus on my other duties. If they don't and insist I must do a certain task my option was to quit. It was as easy as that. At that moment I felt perfectly at ease with the thought of quitting my job even though I love my work place and I loved my coworkers. I felt good that I had a way out of this. I wasn't fearful of losing my job. It's amazing that at times of desperation, one would not fear losing ones job. I guess it's not such an important thing afterall.
However, it worked out. They agreed with me. For now, I am still working there. I don't have to participate in a certain activity and I can happily and freely go to work. That day though, even though I was told that I was alleviated of a certain duty, I was still upset. I couldn't stop crying. When I finally got myself calm and thought I was feeling fine my body would get all tingly and then tense up on it's own with tears leaking out of my face. It was literally uncontrollable. I had to take the rest of the day off because I coulldn't work like that. I tried to calm down but I had these attacks until late afternoon. I was at the meditation center for hours. It was peaceful and soothing there but the attacks kept coming. I was getting worried. How was I supposed to go to work the next day and the day after if I couldn't control the tensing and crying? I asked myself... "why are you still crying and upset? You solved your problem. You should be happy." A voice within applied with an answer. It said in a very still manner "It's because you are not present."
With that I woke up. It was correct. I wasn't present. I thought I was calming down and in fact I was calming down periodically, but also in between the moments of calm my mind was flashing back to the traumatic event that started up all this anxiety. It was also fast forwarding to future events of it happening again. I was so grateful for that realization. I told myself I was fine. There is no impending threat. I am safe now. I don't have to be scared anymore. The threat is gone. After that, I felt much lighter and I left the meditation hall. I went outside and took in the fresh air. I went and bought a sandwich. I met up with a friend and had dinner at her house. With that realization I became stronger. I was more in control. If I kept allowing my mind to reenact a freightening moment in my life, that moment could last a life time. I could be living in this world but all the time my mind would be in the past. As long as I stayed in the now I would be free from the suffering I was making myself go through. I am pretty sure that without all the work I've been putting into recognizing my spirit and quieting my mind that I would be developing PTSD now. Of course, no one wants that. I want to be functioning and not trapped in my mind. I feel so grateful for my wonderful teachers and like minded friends that keep me on the right track. I am so grateful.
So I'm thinking with all the struggles I've had this year... maybe they are there for a reason. To push me away from the jail of my mind and acknowledge the power within... it's stronger than any thought. It's stronger than any circumstance.
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