Asking the Universe.

It's a scary thought that perhaps the reason why I am still single is because I've given up way too many times and far too easily when met with the challenges of being in a relationship. I've always put my hands up in defeat, and put up my offence and defense game up too fast before there was even a war. I was always getting ready to burn the bridge. Recently it occurred to me that this was my pattern and my contribution to the downfall of my relationships with others.

I am going to put the blame on my emotions. Being single is an oddly comforting state, you know where you stand, you are always emotionally safe though sometimes you may feel lonely. Perks are if you "single" the right way you can have a wonderful time.  The only person that you depend on for your happiness is yourself. And you also have little expectations from others so little disappointment follows. But let's be honest here, we all hear you need to find love in yourself before you can love anyone else. You have to be happy being single otherwise being in a relationship wont' make you happy either. I don't think that's true. I can be perfectly happy when I'm single but extremely unhappy in a relationship. I blame it on emotions. Falling for someone is like being placed on beautiful tropical island that has random storms. As a person who is used to being single, you don't have the equipment handy to deal with such storms. You don't know how to build a shelter to weather a storm and you don't even have an umbrella. Hell, you were standing there wearing shorts and it was sunshine one minute and suddenly the sky turned gray and lighting blasted through the sky and you said " oh shit... I ain't dressed for this kind of weather". That's what being in a relationship is like for me. So I run out of there with my flip flops and wait around until I'm dried off and then feel scared to go to that strange land again. I think I have a relationship phobia. My emotions, especially fear, is the greatest obstacle for me being a good partner in a relationship and I recognize that.

The greatest emotional pain I've ever experience was through a break up and the floor basically fell from beneath my feet when an unearthing fear rippled through my body. I know that my fear drove me crazy and broke the relationship. After the break up, I learned I had a wide range of emotions as I fell really deep into an emotional black hole. If one were to compare this experience to the storm analogy it was more like being swooped up into the eye of an hurricane and thinking you were going to die. The vortex of emotional technicolor engulfs and traps you. There is so much range and so many frequencies to emotions. They can be so intense and they can be so eye opening. They can make you fight so hard for your previous calm life. You have to fight hard against your own mind to stay afloat, to go to work and just to make it through any daily activity. I felt so pathetic for even being there but I learned how human I was and what the human experience was like. Emotional suffering was terrible.  I understand how pain is the catayst to enlightment. I mean, what other choice do you have. Either break through or die. When I broke through, which took nearly half a year, I was so grateful and I never wanted to go there again. Since then, I have to admit, I've never felt that same amount of pain. In fact, when a relationship falls apart, it still hurt, but with each break up I became more and more numb. I thought that meant that I had learned from my past and I hadn't let my emotions take control in subsequent relationships but now I see what it truly is instead... mind numbing fear and intentional sabotage to relieve myself from a relationship that spells impending doom.  My friend Dickson said we are all damaged goods. It's true. Now I know how people can go through life numb to horrible things. You just shut that part of your body off. We'd rather not feel? But I am an emotional and loving person. I want to feel, just not the bad things. I've been single for a year now and I miss being in a relationship. I want to start looking again. I also want to stop jumping off the ship when things get rough.

I am asking the Universe for yet another opportunity at love and to give me the strength to do my part of being a conscious and equal partner. I wish for myself to be understanding to my own emotions and recognize their purpose of protectiveness and say thank you but at the same time I wish to be released from the emotional pain of my past that holds me back from being able to love. I also wish to be a kind and compassion companion.

Writing this tonight is due to the fact that I recognize the dark hole from my past was a life changing moment. I learned a lot and I grew a lot. I also numbed a lot. I am grateful for learning more about myself and I hope to change it and have the opportunity to be a good partner to someone else soon.